26
The next day, I wake still curled up on the floor. I slowly stand and go inside my bedroom to cry more in bed.
I need to cry it out before I head back to the hospital tomorrow. If Drake wakes up and sees me in a terrible state, I don’t want him to blame himself.
He’d think it was his fault that I lost the baby, but I know it is mine. I was negligent. I barely ate; especially, with the stress level I was going through with Drake. I was advised to take proper nutrition and hydrate all the time, but I didn’t. It’s my fault that I lost my baby.
When I wake the following morning, Mom is downstairs cooking me breakfast. “Good morning. Drake’s awake. I came by to make sure you’re doing fine and to tell you the news.”
I feel relief, but not enough to dull the pain inside me. The hollowness hasn’t left me. “I will be going out to see him later.”
Mom plants a plate before me, mushroom and cheese omelet with a glass of orange juice. She then kisses my forehead and whispers, “Stay strong. There’s no one to blame. Sometimes life has its own way of dealing with things. I’m sorry you have to go through this, though. Do you want to talk about it?”
My chest feels heavy. Each breath I take hurts. “No, I need time to cope with it first. Don’t tell Drake anything yet.”
“We know. It isn’t our place to tell him that. Whenever you’re ready, then you can do that yourself.”
I silently eat my breakfast. I’m not hungry, but I force it down, anyway.
Mom waits until I’m ready to head back to the hospital. I’m relieved to find Drake sleeping when I get there.
After an hour, he wakes, asking for me. “Where’s Lily?”
I get up and get my crap together. “Hey, nice to finally see you up and awake.” I smile at him as I walk towards his bed.
He groggily smiles at me, reaching for my hand. I clasp it with mine, needing assurance, needing his love and his warmth. “I made it,” Drake whispers happily.
I wipe the tears running down my face. “You did. Thank you for that. I wouldn’t have forgiven you if you didn’t.”
“Don’t cry. I’ll get better, I promise. I’ll be as good as new when our baby comes.” Drake slowly reaches out and softly wipes my tears away.
Not knowing what to say, I simply nod.
“I’m tired, but I want you to stay close. I love knowing that you’re here, holding my hand,” he whispers before his eyes start to close.
“I’ll be here. I promise.”
A small smile forms on his lips, eyes still shut. “I love you,” he manages to whisper. I know he’s asleep when his grip softens.
I sit next to him, kissing his hand and telling him how much I love him, too.
Drake isn’t allowed to go home for two weeks.
In those two weeks, I entertain him with board games, reading and watching movies. Drake slowly regains his strength. I have successfully dodged all of his questions about the baby, answering them vaguely.
It works, for a bit, but the day before he’s to be discharged, he asks again.
I come into his room around ten in the morning with breakfast in hand. “Good morning! Did you sleep well?” I ask.
“I did, thanks. Now, come over here and give me a kiss.” I laugh at his demand. Apart from the bandage around his head, Drake looks almost like his old self. I bend over and give him a kiss. I expect it to be quick, but I’m surprised when he takes hold of my head and devours my lips. Kissing me so passionately, it breaks my heart. When he lets go of me, I’m out of breath. We both pant as we stare at each other.
“I’ve been meaning to do that. I wanted to wait until we were home, but you came in here looking so beautiful, I couldn’t help it.” Drake holds my hand and plants a kiss on it.
“I’ve missed you, too.”
We eat breakfast as we watch CNN. “You’re twelve weeks today, right? What time is your appointment?” he inquires while his attention turns back to the television screen.
I still, slowly placing the food back on the plate. “About that… there’s… there’s no more baby, Drake. I lost it.”
Drake suddenly looks at me, confused. “What do you mean? When?” The shock comes first, then the pain surfaces on his face.
“Just after you came out of surgery the second time, I started to bleed.” I feel wretched for not telling him immediately, but there was so much going on, it was hard for me to do it.
“Are you okay? God, all this time… you’re smiling and making me laugh… when you were probably dying inside.”
I was.
Still am.
“I’m still reeling from it. Being with you makes me feel happy, though. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you, but it was hard to talk about it, still is.” I get choked up, but I push it down.
“Don’t be sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me.” I shake my head, denying it. “I’m here, Babe. We’ll go through this together. I don’t want you to think that you’re all alone in this. I don’t ever want you to feel that way.”
I never did doubt it. “I know you’re here for me, Drake.”
“How does it feel to be back home?” I ask as we enter his foyer.
Skull comes out running to greet his owner. He’s been under the care of Drake’s housekeeper who was kind enough to stay with him for the last two weeks.
“Hey, Buddy! Did you miss me?” Drake scratches the dog’s neck.
“Are you tired? You should rest. If you’re hungry, I can cook up something,” I ask when we are going up the stairs, heading towards his bedroom.
“I think I’m going to crash for a bit. I’m exhausted.”
I’m shocked to find his room has had a major transformation. The décor, the bed and everything else is different.
Seeing my expression, Drake explains, “I hired an interior decorator to strip everything off. The bathrooms, the closets and the rest of the guestrooms are all newly decorated. After Shannon, I thought it was best to change everything to make you feel comfortable.”
Could he be any sweeter?
“Thank you. This means so much to me, Drake.” I stride towards where he stands and give him a kiss.
“Stay with me in bed. I want you close.” Drake looks tired. If he wants me next to him, then I’ll be right there.
Once we are all in bed, Skull included, I ask, “Why do you always want me close to you? Each time you ask it, your voice changes. It’s weird.”
“I had a dream… I died in it. When you learned of the news, you were so devastated; you wouldn’t stop crying. Then my dreams flashed forward and you were with Jared with my child growing in your belly.”
“I’m not going to leave you for him. You know that, don’t you?”
“I do, but when I’m reminded of how helpless I was in my dream, how badly I wanted to be that man for you and I couldn’t because I was dead, I feel raw, and you being close gives me a reality check; that you’re here with me and that I’m still alive. I don’t want to ever feel that kind of pain, Lil. It scares me to think that it could easily happen.” Drake sounds vulnerable, gutted.
I snuggle close to him, resting my head on his arm since I can’t put my head on his chest, yet. “That will never happen because I’m not capable of loving another man. The last eight years taught me that.” It wasn’t because of my luck of trying. I did try, very hard, but it was impossible when I’d given my heart away already.
“It was always you in my heart, Lil. I’m happy that you’re here, still giving me another chance after how I treated you. For loving me as I am.”
We hold hands as we both fall asleep; the strain of the past couple of weeks finally catching up with me.