Julie Seagle
And what do you say to me?
Matt thought. What did he want to say to her? That right now he was accepting that it drove him crazy when she sat so close to him when they studied together, especially on his bed? That, while of course she was always beautiful, his legs would nearly give out when she came downstairs in the morning with her hair thrown into a messy knot smack on the top of her head and her robe wrinkled and barely tied? That he knew she liked to get dressed up for her nights out, but that he liked her Saturday afternoon look of yoga pants and no makeup? That the way she cared for Celeste with such abandon and acceptance moved him more than he could fathom? That she was skilled and talented and warm and patient enough that, seemingly without even trying, she’d drawn him in from the cold world where he had been living since that horrible day when Finn died?
Did he want to tell her the truth? Maybe she knew already or maybe it wouldn’t matter. All the hours of writing back and forth over the past few months might have added up to something that could go beyond this virtual relationship. And that’s what they were doing, whether either of them could really admit it; they were having a relationship. More specifically, they were having two relationships. The blending of those two, that was what could make this all fall apart. Would make it fall apart, Matt realized.
As Finn, he had fallen into an online relationship that was safe and controlled. He could show Julie sides of him that he wanted to and guard the others. He could show her who he wanted to be.
As Matt, their friendship had to battle all the real-world challenges that he carried with him, and he had no clue how to act like any guy Julie would take interest in. He didn’t know how to flirt anymore, and half the time that he was around her Matt was stressed to no end about what Julie was going to do next with Celeste, or whether she would somehow find out about the family’s lies. And while he didn’t really care much about how he looked, he figured that a girl as breathtaking as he found Julie to be could easily attract modelesque guys. On the other hand, she didn’t seem like someone who would date just for looks. She was too smart and dynamic to be that superficial. Maybe that was the problem. She was everything that Matt wasn’t. Not anymore. She was so well rounded that it nearly hurt to be around her. As things were, while they had established a friendship and a certain companionship, she wasn’t falling for him. She was falling for Finn, a part of Matt that no longer fit into the real world.
Julie Seagle
Shit. The elevator is working now.
Finn is God
That’s good news!
Julie Seagle
Right now it doesn’t feel like it. I’ll find you later.
Matt shut his laptop. What the hell had just happened to him? To them? He got up and went down to the kitchen. He needed water. And probably a cold shower. Or two. He was definitely more riled up than he’d been in a very long time.
He stood at the same counter where Julie grilled him about Celeste after her first dinner here. She’d been relentless in her questions about Flat Finn, but not once did she seem put off. A bit pushy, perhaps, but always very kind. She just wanted to understand, and who could blame her? Matt hopped up and sat on the counter in Julie’s spot and downed a tall glass of ice water.
What was he going to do?
Maybe nothing. He might as well try to enjoy this online relationship for as long as he could. At some point it would probably fade out the way most things do anyway. Julie was presumably with Seth right now, so it’s not as if that thinly veiled elevator chat had caused her to brush aside her evening date.
No, he told himself. This was wrong. Julie deserves the truth. She hasn’t done anything wrong, she didn’t ask for this.
So he would tell her. Tonight when she got home, he would tell her everything, and he would deal with the fallout. That elevator chat between them had gone too far, and he had to put a stop to this. It was clear to him that this was the only choice. He’d dealt with everything falling apart before, and he would do it again.
There. It was decided, and the torturous back and forth debate about what to do was over.
He shut off most of the downstairs lights, but made sure to leave the front porch light on. He got to the top of the stairs before he came back down and also turned on the entryway light and one in the living room before going back up. He stopped at the top of the stairs. The light was on in his parents’ room, and he could see Erin standing in the middle of the room with a full wine glass in her hand. She really shouldn’t be drinking, and he could tell by the slight sway in her stance that she had already had more than enough.
“Mom.” Matt stood just outside her room. “What are you doing?”
“What is it, Matthew?” Erin didn’t bother to look his way, but kept her eyes glued to the view of the street through the window.
He stepped closer and moved in front of her. “Mom.” He could see that her eyes were slightly puffy.
“Hi, honey.” She sniffed. “Is everything okay?”
While he hated her drinking, it was the one thing that seemed to make Erin at all motherly. “Yeah, everything is fine. Where’s Dad? What are you doing?”
“Roger is up on the third floor in the guest room. He’s got that dreadful cold that’s been making him snore.” She took a long drink from her glass. “I was just looking out at the snow. The streets haven’t been plowed well, have they? It looks icy.”
“They’re okay, Mom.”
“Maybe not. People shouldn’t be driving tonight.” She paused and Matt could see her hold on the wine glass tighten. Gently, he took the stem of the glass in one hand and peeled her fingers from the globe.
“The streets aren’t bad at all. It just looks like it from here.”
“Julie is out with the car, isn’t she?” Erin looked directly at Matt. “Oh, have you heard from her? Oh, no, Matthew.” Her eyes filled with tears.
“She’s just fine. I promise. Please don’t worry.”
“You won’t let anything happen to her, will you?” Erin touched her hand to his cheek, a small smile coming through the haze of alcohol and pain. “She’s quite special to you, to all of us, isn’t she?”
Matt nodded, but he couldn’t say anything. He felt near tears himself.
Erin leaned into him, wrapping her arms over his shoulder and rubbing his back. This was so unlike Erin, that for a moment Matt just stood still, unsure what to do. Eventually he leaned in and rested his head on his mother’s shoulder. His free arm moved to hug her back.
“You won’t tell her, Matthew, will you? Julie? Not yet.”
“Mom….”
“Please.”
Matt sniffed. “This isn’t fair to her.”
“Things feel better with her here, though, don’t they? Like this? She makes things easier. Don’t take that away. I miss him still, and now it’s easier.” Her hold around him grew tighter and Matt’s resolve began to weaken.
“We can’t keep doing this,” he said softly.
“Just for a while. Let her figure it out in her own time. When she’s ready, when she sees, it will be okay. I really believe that.” He felt his mother’s tears dampen his shirt and her fingers dug into him as she held on. “Please, Matthew. I am begging you. Let it come out in its own time.”
“Okay.” He nodded against her. “Okay.”
“Thank you.” He felt her relax a bit.
“You can’t drink, Mom. You know that. No more?”
“No more,” she agreed. “After tonight, no more. The snow, this time of year…. It triggers me. I think that your father and I will go out of town for New Year’s. You can stay with Celeste, right?”
Matt dropped his hand and eased back. “Sure. I guess so.”
“I think that I’ll take a bath now. Relax.”
“That’s a good idea.” Matt walked to the door, discouraged. Resigned. He almost turned back, but he knew that there was little chance she would say something to make this better, to make him feel loved.
He took a deep breath and knocked on Celeste’s door. “Hey. I came to say good night.”
“Good night, Matty.” Celeste smiled as he sat down on her bed. “I am exceptionally tired this evening. The print in my thesaurus is obnoxiously small and my eyes suffered significant strain.”
“I hope that you and your strained eyes rest well.” He reached to turn off the small light on her nightstand that was aimed directly at nearby Flat Finn. A spotlight on a star.
“Julie said that after she helps me with my project tomorrow that she will teach me to make bouillabaisse. I have some reservations about her chosen assortment of seafood, notably the calamari tentacles, but I have agreed to be brave.”
Matt patted her hand. “You are very brave.”
“Will you come with us to the seafood market?”
“Do you want me to?”
“Yes, very much.”
“Then I will.”
“You should get your rest, too. Matthew, you look unusually exhausted tonight. I saw the recipe, and it requires a multitude of complicated steps, particularly the aioli which is composed of nineteen ingredients. Your assistance will be crucial to our success.”
“Understood. Sleep well.”
“Would you please set Flat Finn outside my door tonight? I would like him there for the benefit of his protection, but I will also be maintaining necessary space.”
“Sure thing.” He turned off the Flat Finn spotlight and retrieved their cardboard brother. “Good night, Celeste.”
Matt shut the door to his room and pulled off his shirt. He was most definitely exhausted and wanted nothing more than to fall sleep and end this day. However, he held his phone when he crawled into bed. Matt lay on his back and stared into the darkness for forty-five minutes. He heard the creak of the stairs as Julie came home, and then he put in his earphones to try and block out the noise in his head. Then his e-mail sounded.
I think I’m falling for you.
Matt looked at the screen for a long time. “Julie,” he whispered aloud. For a moment he debated about what to do. Then he sent his reply.
Good. I think I’m falling for you too. Let’s not pull this chute.
Under The Christmas Tree
Flat-Out Love, Chapter 21, MPOV
Matt Watkins This season always brings back warm memories of peeing in terror on Santa's lap. Warm, wet memories.
Finn is God This is the season I always mix up “mistletoe” and “cameltoe.” Either way, I'm getting slapped.
Julie Seagle The only thing that stands between you and your dreams is the fact that they are all illegal, immoral, and disgusting. Dream on, you little pervert!
This was probably a stupid idea. He'd probably gotten everything wrong, and Julie would think this was incredibly dopey. Nonetheless, Matt continued lighting the candles on the Christmas tree. Even as tall as he was, Matt still needed to stand on a step stool to reach the top of the enormous tree that he'd picked out. It had been a nightmare trying to find candleholders that could be attached to the branches, but that's what Julie described in her Thanksgiving chat with Finn, and Matt wanted to give her the Christmas setup that would make her happy. As much as she seemed quite comfortable here, this was her first year away from home, and she must be missing the familiarity and routine of the holiday at her house in Ohio. California certainly couldn't be the same, although he was sure that she would have a good time with her father.
Matt flinched as he burned his finger on a flame. Julie said this whole candles-on-the-tree thing could be dangerous, and she was right. He stepped back and surveyed the room. Okay, maybe she would like it. All of the house lights were off downstairs, but between the hundreds of twinkle lights on the ceiling and the candles on the tree and the ones nesting in green garlands, the room glowed warmly on this dark December night.
His e-mail alert sounded, and Matt checked his laptop.
Finn—
Thinking about you. That's all.
—Julie