Mum took my hand. “I’ll feel guilty whether you talk about it or not. You should be able to talk to me. I want you to. There is nothing we can’t discuss.” I smiled and squeezed her hand. She looked me in the eyes.
“Will you tell me how it started?”
Instantly dropping my smile, I swallowed hard. She wanted to talk about that?
“What?” I whispered.
“If it’s too hard I’ll understand, but I think we both need to do this before the trial.”
“You really want to know now? You’re sure?”
I watched her gulp. She didn’t want to, she had to.
“Yes. I need to know.”
I had managed to go four years without breaking her heart completely. Now I was going to finish the job. She was right though. She did need to know. I took a deep breath and launched into everything.
I didn’t stop when she started crying or when it looked like she was going to be sick, although I wanted to.
She sat silently as I told her how Dad had watched everything Frank did to me. How scared I was and how afraid I became of my own dad. I told her how I blamed myself for years; I thought it was all my fault. When I told her that I tried to tell her a week after it started, but Dad got to me first and told me not to talk again, she sobbed.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Mum shook her head. “No, don’t. Don’t you ever be sorry. Honey, I…” She gasped for breath and pulled me into a hug. “I– I don’t know…”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.” I sank into her side, trying to disappear. Finally, everything was out in the open, but I didn’t feel much relief.
“You are so brave, my beautiful girl.”
I didn’t feel brave. I’d run away, half way across the world, to escape from everything. Tired and desperate were better words I would use to describe myself. I was tired of trying to move on. Tired of seeing their faces. Tired of being scared that they would somehow get to me again. Most of all I was just desperate to get my life back.
She took a deep breath and wiped her tears. “I keep trying to think of things. Anything that I missed, but there’s nothing.”
“Because we didn’t let there be anything. I didn’t want you to find out as much as he didn’t. Dad told me so many different things over the years. He told me that you would hate me. You wouldn’t want me any more; that it would kill you, and that you wouldn’t believe me. I was so scared. As I got older, I realised you wouldn’t, but I knew it would break your heart, and I didn’t want that. After it stopped, I convinced myself that everything would be okay, so I forced myself to leave it in the past.”
“I believe you. I would always have believed you.”
“I know that now, and it means a lot.”
Mum pulled me into another hug; this one was tighter and almost squeezed the air from my lungs.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s going on here?” Jasper asked, appearing in the doorway. “Oh, I see, having secret hot chocolate moments without me. I’m hurt.” He pretended to stab his heart.
Mum sighed and shook her head in discouragement.
“Sit down, Jasper.” She got up to make him a drink.
Jasper sat down. “Sorry about earlier. I wasn’t thinking. We cool?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. Let’s just forget it.”
“Okay. So what are you two talking about? How awesome I am?”
Mum snorted which made me laugh.
“See, this is why I’m unable to love,” he said, waving his hand in Mum’s direction. “Well, actually it was Abby whoring herself to my best friend, but you’re not helping. When you’re sitting in your big death chair in the retirement home, crying to yourself about never seeing your only son get married, just remember it was half your fault.”
‘Cole!’
I stared at Jasper with the same dumbfounded look as Mum. These fine words came from an adult.
“A death chair in a retirement home,” Mum repeated. From everything in that little speech that was what stood out to her!
“Yeah. All those old people have a chair they always sit in, ninety per cent of them’ll die there!”
I shook my head. “Wow.”
I wasn’t even going to try. Mum opened her mouth but shut it quickly. Good call, Mum. It was best to not encourage him.
“What are you two doing tomorrow?” Mum asked.
“I’m going to buy some new games because I’m so bored I want to die. I’m guessing Oakley’s hanging out with Cole, where they’ll make eyes at each other and pretend they’re not minutes away from ripping each other’s clothes off.”
I gave him a tight smile. “Shut up, Jasper.”
“I don’t think I will. You should just get it over already. We all know you want to.”
“I’m tired.”
“Of course you are,” Jasper muttered, sheepishly.
“Okay. Night, sweetheart. Love you.”
“Love you too, Mum.” I turned to look at them, and they were both smirking at me. “Whatever!”