An Uncertain Choice

“Now that you’re here and safe,” the abbot continued, smiling at me, “I shall take you to the guesthouse, where you’ll live until the abbey is constructed. My servants have been busy unpacking your belongings and making it home.”


He nodded at me, indicating that I should exit the room ahead of him and enter the dimly lit hallway.

But I couldn’t move. My entire body protested the thought of seeing the guesthouse. My heart cried out to be back with Derrick. I wanted him more than anything else.

I knew then that I’d finally made my choice: I loved him. Without a doubt. And I wanted to marry him and spend my life with him.

I couldn’t enter the convent. In fact, I couldn’t even begin to imagine what life would be like without him as a part of it.

“Father Abbot,” I said, reaching out a hand toward him. “I think there’s been a mistake.”

His expression remained placid. “I realize you don’t turn eighteen until tomorrow. But now that you’re here, we should get you situated, don’t you think?”

I shook my head. My heart squeezed painfully at the news I must give the abbot. I didn’t want to disappoint him. But I loved Derrick too much to throw away my chance at being with him. “I’m not going to enter the convent. I’ve decided I shall marry Derrick.”

If he’d have me. I suspected that he still didn’t think he was worthy, especially now with the convictions hanging over his head. But I’d assure him — ?until I was speechless, if necessary — ?that none of that mattered.

The abbot said nothing. But something about his eyes sharpened.

“I ask for your pardon.” I stepped toward him, hoping he wouldn’t be too angry with me. “I know you thought it would be best for me to come live here. But I’ve fallen in love with Derrick.”

Once I spoke the words, they filled the room and swelled within my heart. I couldn’t keep from smiling at the truth and beauty of them. “I love him.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” The abbot retreated into the hallway. “I thought once you were away from the temptation of that man, you’d see your future lies in serving God here.”

“But Derrick and I can serve God together,” I said, thinking of all our conversations about the changes we could make for the good of the people if we worked together.

“You belong here,” the abbot said without blinking, his tone boding no argument. “I’ve gone along with the duke’s scheming long enough. And now it’s time to put an end to it.”

I stared at the abbot, trying to make sense of him. “But didn’t you say you wanted me to see for myself if I found love —?”

“I didn’t believe you’d be so foolish as to give yourself over to the lusts of the flesh.” His words had a sting to them that bit into my heart and left me aching. A part of me desired peace with the abbot, to listen to him, to give in to his advice as I always had in the past. But another, deeper part of me knew that I had to step into my role as a leader. I had to be more commanding and confident as the ruler I was destined to be.

“I never imagined that I’d have the chance to fall in love,” I said, keeping my voice as even and authoritative as I could. “Even when presented with the exception to the Ancient Vow, I still thought it unlikely. But despite all the odds, it’s happened. I’ve found the love of my life. And now, if he’ll have me, I’ll marry him. Today.”

The abbot’s face pinched. “I’d hoped you would be reasonable as you have been in the past. But I can see now that your lusts have clouded your good judgment.”

With that, he spun out of the room and closed the door behind him. My pulse came to a shattering halt, and I could only stare at the door with an open mouth.

When the key scraped in the lock, a burst of panic erupted inside me and moved me to action. I flung myself at the thick plank and yanked on it. “You must release me, Father Abbot.”

“This is for your own good, your ladyship,” he called from the other side. “You’ll thank me later.”

“I command you to let me out of this room,” I shouted. I was the ruler of Ashby. How dare he presume to make this decision for me?

“I’m sorry, my child.” His voice was that of a parent chastising an errant child. “This is the best thing for you, even if you don’t realize it yet.”

“No!” The abbot wasn’t planning to set me free. I was his captive. The panic inside swelled and I beat my hands against the door. “Please! I love him.”

“You must put him out of your thoughts once and for all. He’s not worthy of you.”

I flattened myself into the cool wood, and a sob clawed at my chest, nearly strangling me with its power. “I don’t want to lose him!”

“You already have,” the abbot retorted, his steps moving away from my room. “For all of his crimes, he’s sentenced to be drawn and quartered. On the morrow. Think of it as a birthday present, your ladyship.”





Chapter

22




I SAT IN THE SAME SPOT. I DIDN’T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME had passed. It could have been hours, days, or weeks. I didn’t care anymore.