An Uncertain Choice

Of course, the chess game never proceeded more than a play or two before a new conversation diverted our attention.

With only two nights left until my eighteenth birthday, a panic started to form in the pit of my stomach. James hadn’t discovered anything. And I couldn’t put aside the thought that the duke should have returned by now, that he should have found evidence to free Derrick and absolve him of his crimes. But we’d had no word from the duke or Sir Collin and Sir Bennet. My weeklong promise to my dear friend was ending, and my birthday was fast approaching, the day when I’d have no choice but to leave the castle and enter the convent to fulfill the Ancient Vow.

Most of my chests had already been transported to my new living quarters, and I knew the abbot was patiently awaiting my arrival.

But with each passing day, my uncertainty about entering the convent only grew. I’d prayed harder and more fervently that God would show me what he wanted me to do. I didn’t know how I could bear to leave Derrick. But I didn’t know what other choice I had.

I’d considered going against the abbot’s wise counsel and releasing Derrick. But if I did so, what kind of message would I send to my people about justice?

And what if I married him even though he was my prisoner? The problem was that even if I was agreeable to having Derrick for my husband, he’d never made any mention of wanting to marry me.

Certainly, I’d felt his attraction. And he’d hinted at wanting to be with me. But he hadn’t mentioned any plans. It was almost as if he were approaching our relationship the same way he played a game of chess — ?without any thought or strategy. Perhaps he didn’t know what he really wanted.

What if he didn’t love me enough to want to overcome the odds standing between us? Maybe he didn’t really love me at all. Maybe his feelings for me didn’t run as deeply as mine.

And what exactly did I feel for him? Was I really in love with him?

It was the same confusing question whose answer had eluded me before. I wasn’t sure how to tell if I was in love with Derrick. I cared about him — ?a great deal. But did I love him enough to risk forsaking the Ancient Vow? Enough to spend the rest of my life with him as my husband?

Perhaps it was time to take a more direct approach with Derrick. We’d grown comfortable enough with each other over the past several nights of talking. Could I not simply ask him what he thought we should do?

Maybe if I looked my best, if I made myself completely irresistible, then he’d have no choice but to bring up the matter himself.

With my heart thudding in anticipation, I made Trudy take extra care with my hair. And when I positioned myself in the chair in front of the great fireplace, I tucked rose petals under my hem, hoping he’d find me especially fetching that night.

I’d worn the crimson gown that the duke had given me on the night of the big dance. The diamonds and pearls sparkled in the candlelight. A few dangling curls hung loose from the mound of curls Trudy had arranged on top of my head.

I prayed that he would be the one to initiate a conversation about love and marriage and what chance the two of us might have for a future together. The mere thought of bringing up such matters heated my cheeks and made me stare at the pieces arranged in perfect rows on the chessboard, ready for another game we’d yet to finish.

The side door of the room rattled, signaling Bartholomew’s approach with Derrick. Trudy already sat in her corner chair, her chin resting on her rotund chest, her eyes closed in slumber. Thankfully, my nursemaid had lost her objection to the meetings with Derrick. It was easy to see why. Derrick was so noble, kind, and considerate that he’d easily won my nursemaid over.

Even though Bartholomew didn’t prevent my meetings with Derrick, he used extra caution to make sure that no one saw Derrick coming in and out of the Great Hall. When he brought up the abbot’s objection, I assured him that I could do what I wanted without the abbot’s permission, especially now that I was only days away from my eighteenth year.

An impatient sigh escaped, and I kept my hands folded in my lap and my eyes trained on them as I waited for Derrick to enter the room.

My heart gave an unexpected lurch at the thought of seeing him. Even though he carried with him the grime of the dungeon, I especially liked the dark stubble on his face, making him more rugged and handsome than he’d been before.

“My lady.” A voice nearby startled me. It wasn’t the expected voice of Bartholomew or Derrick.

I lifted my gaze, confused by the appearance of James and an unfamiliar man behind him. “Why, James,” I said, embarrassment coursing through me at having been caught in my secret meetings with Derrick. How had James discovered my doings? Why wasn’t he asleep with everyone else?