An Uncertain Choice

“I’m sorry.” Without thinking, I lightly touched his arm. His muscles rippled beneath my fingers. “The question is much too personal. I shouldn’t have asked it. Please forgive me.”


On the opposite side of Derrick, the abbot paused his eating at the sight of my contact with the knight. I quickly withdrew. I expected the abbot’s rebuke and was relieved when he glanced away without a word.

For a long moment, Derrick stared darkly at the pork on the tip of his knife. Had I ruined my opportunity to talk to him? Would he despise me now for probing into his past?

“There’s nothing to forgive, my lady,” he finally said. The depths of his eyes were haunted. But he leaned in and dropped his voice. “Yes. My family was murdered. But it was completely unnecessary.”

I had to bend closer to hear him.

“When my father’s enemy surrounded the castle, instead of attempting to withstand the siege or go out onto the field to fight against his enemy with courage, my father decided to surrender.” The lines in Derrick’s face were drawn tightly, and his jaw flexed. “If my father had been braver,” he whispered hoarsely, “he could have saved his family and his lands.”

A siege against a castle was never easy to resist. Even with the best-laid stores of food and deep wells inside the inner bailey, most sieges ended in disaster for the castle under attack. Surely Derrick knew that. “Perhaps your father only sought a peaceful end.”

“He should have known his enemy wouldn’t be satisfied unless blood was shed.”

“The rules of engagement allow for surrender under a white flag —?”

“It didn’t matter. Even with the white flag flying, my father was forced to watch the enemy chop off the heads of my mother and two little sisters . . .”

“No . . .”

His eyes were dark pits of pain. “He displayed them on spikes on the drawbridge, where he then proceeded to torture my father to death.”

I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat. “And how did you escape?”

“My nursemaid disguised me as her child. After several weeks of harrowing travel and evasion, she delivered me to the Duke of Rivenshire.”

“Oh, sir, I feel your pain,” I whispered, uncaring that my head was almost touching his.

Shadows flickered across his face as if he fought the demons of his past. His breathing was labored. Was he reliving the nightmare? I reached out and squeezed his hand atop the table. I tried to ignore that my guests were witnessing the intimate gesture. The urge to offer Derrick a measure of comfort was too strong to resist.

He stared at my fingers upon his hand. A war waged across his features, and I was afraid he would pull away, that he would retreat into himself and resist my comfort.

But after a long moment, he flipped his hand over and surprised me by capturing my fingers. He laced his fingers through mine, enveloping me with his strength. His weathered skin contrasted against my paleness, and the warmth made my chest hitch.

“Thank you for your kindness, my lady,” he whispered.

“I shouldn’t have made you relive such things.”

“And I shouldn’t have shared such gruesome details at dinner.”

I had seen much worse the day I’d encountered the rat cages, but I didn’t want to bring up my inner demons now as well.

He stared at our fingers laced together. “At least now you can understand why I’m a knight without family honor.”

“It doesn’t matter —?”

“It does to me.”

He was shutting me out of his life again. And I couldn’t let that happen. “But your father only did what he thought was safest for your family —?”

“He gave way to fear,” Derrick said sadly. “And in the end, his lack of courage cost him everything.”

“Courage can be displayed in many forms, my lord,” I said gently. “Sometimes it’s evident in the knight charging forward with the lance on his steed. But perhaps it can also take the form of a head bowed before the enemy.”

Derrick didn’t say anything for an eternal moment. When he finally lifted his head, the gray of his eyes had lightened considerably. “And perhaps it takes courage to face the unknown rather than to run and hide from it.”

I knew he was referring to me. I’d put aside the safe course in my life. I’d braved my doubts and taken the chance at finding true love.

Had I found it?

I examined his face, the strong, handsome lines, the layer of scruff that lent him a rough edge, and the steel of his eyes. I couldn’t deny that I found him attractive. And being near him always did strange things to my insides. But what else did I like about him? Was there something more that set him apart from Sir Collin and Sir Bennet?

The abbot cleared his throat loudly and frowned directly at Derrick’s hold on my hand.

Rapidly, I tugged free, only to earn a grin from Derrick.

“I suppose it’s a good thing we have such devoted chaperones.” His gaze skimmed my lips. His voice was so low that no one else around could hear it. “If not for the abbot watching every move I make, I would most certainly claim that prize you owe me.”