“Let’s get you a drink,” he says, and smiles.
As he motions to the flight attendant, I watch him. He’s only grown better looking since I met him. He’s not handsome in a George Clooney kind of way, but in a construction-worker-meets-fraternity-boy kind of way. His thick dirty-blond hair is always slightly messy, his face always a day past needing to be shaved, but his shirt is always tucked in, his shoes always matching his belt. And his brown eyes literally melting you. But none of this is upon first glance. You might pass him on the street and not even notice him because he’s not particularly tall, his features not particularly distinct. But when you look at him, really look at him, you can see it.
He couldn’t be any more different looking from John if he tried. John is almost six foot four, his dark hair not nearly as thick, his face more angular, his features more sharp. And I can’t remember the last time his blue eyes melted me.
“Yes, let’s get me that drink,” I say with a smile. And decide that for at least right now, I have no choice but to embrace this life. I push thoughts of my girls from my mind and focus on the present. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing these days? Living in the present? Focusing on the here and now?
The hours fly by as each drink goes down a little smoother than the last. We talk about everything. Well, he talks about everything because I’m basically interviewing him and not letting him ask me any questions. Because I have no idea what he’s told Casey and what he hasn’t, I play it safe and ask him to tell me stories about himself that I don’t already know. He tells me about his older brother, the lawyer, the one he thinks his parents are more proud of. His dad is a lawyer too and wanted both of his boys to follow in his footsteps and run his firm when he retired. But Charlie said he didn’t have it in him. He fought it until he couldn’t fight it. And then he dropped out of law school because he could no longer lie to himself that it felt right.
I want to tell him that I dropped out too. That I never admitted to anyone that when I became pregnant I didn’t feel conflicted. There was never a “what do I do?” moment. John, on the other hand, was completely thrown. He was excited, but also scared shitless. He said it was too soon and worried if we’d make it. He loved me, but said he hadn’t planned to propose to me until we were both established in our careers. But as he’d paced back and forth in front of his futon couch, his hands flailing wildly, I was calm. I knew in my heart having the baby was the right thing, whether John married me right away or not. I easily chose the baby over the career, which surprised me more than I think it surprised Casey or John, although I never told either of them that. I always thought I’d go back.
I’d been so career driven. Always the one who chose studying over barhopping. Casey and my other roommate would roll their eyes at me when they stumbled home drunk and I was still burning the midnight oil. The photo I found in Casey’s apartment brought me to tears because I remembered that night so clearly. It was taken on a rare night when I let Casey talk me into going out. And I recalled thinking how good it felt to be out getting hammered and wondered why I always took things so seriously. Why couldn’t I just wing it like Casey always did? Things always seemed to come so easy for her.
When I found out I was pregnant it was almost a relief because I wasn’t going to have to try and potentially fail. That’s what I was always so scared of—failing. I was fantastic in the college studio, but what would happen when I was in front of the real cameras?
I think of my interview with Ryan McKnight. Turns out, I would’ve been great. Really great.
“What about you? Tell me something personal about you. You’re always deflecting.” Charlie tries again to get something out of me.
“Deflecting, huh? Where’d you learn that one? Dr. Phil?” I laugh.
“Still deflecting.”
I take a long drink of my champagne. Somewhere over Kansas we’d decided it was time to celebrate our success—that we were on our way to the Big Apple to bring GossipTV and “our” careers to the next level.
“I’m happy. Right now, in this moment. I am very happy,” I say without hesitation.
“Well, I’m happy to hear you say that.” He puts his hand over mine and I let it rest there, let myself feel the heat of his palm, the electricity flowing between our hands. And I wonder for a moment what it would feel like to kiss him.