Chapter 29
The crisp cotton collar of my mint green dress was slightly bent. Each time my fingers pressed it down, it jumped back up. It was determined to resist any changes I tried to force upon it. In years past, I would have taken the dress off, sprayed the collar with starch, and ironed it until it fell in line with the rest of the dress. But not today.
Today, I allowed the rebellion of my dress to inspire me.
Today was the day, my last on the compound. It had been six days since my confrontation with Rebecca, and although I wanted to believe that she’d refrain from telling Lehi about Porter, I couldn’t trust her. Instead, I had to act quickly—to say my good-byes and leave this place.
I had two good-byes that I needed to make, to Aspen and Jorjina.
The trouble was that I had to say my farewells carefully, so as not to raise any flags or to arouse suspicion, even though these were the very women I was closest with. I had to do it, though. I had to thank each of them for their kindness, their love, and their desire to protect me within the confines of our community. Aspen was surrounded by little faces when I approached her in the common area. Ruthie was seated in front of her, Aspen combing her hair before styling it in its proper braid. I pulled at the bottom of my own braid, moving it to hang just next to my bent collar. The irony wasn’t last on me as I held the intricate braid in my hand, knowing today would be the very last day in which I wore my hair this way.
“Good morning,” she said absently, as if this morning was just one of the thousands of mornings in which she planned to greet me with those words. She had no idea that tomorrow I’d be gone.
“How are you today?” I asked, perching myself on the sofa, watching as she effortlessly weaved her daughter’s hair into the perfect style.
She grunted in response to my question, holding an elastic band between her teeth. “Another day.” She tapped Ruthie’s shoulder when she finished her hair. Ruthie climbed to her feet, thanked her mother, and placed a kiss on her cheek. “Next.”
Her youngest girl, Sheena, then took Ruthie’s spot and the ritual was repeated.
“I’m going to Jorjina’s.”
I wasn’t sure what else to say, not knowing how to say good-bye to Aspen without her knowing it. I had no idea how she’d react. Would she scream and shout at me, demanding I stay? Would she quote from The Book of Mormon until her face turned a sickly blue? Jorjina had hinted that this might not be the place for me, but Aspen hadn’t. I had to tread carefully.
“Be careful what you say to that woman,” Aspen whispered through clenched teeth after glancing around the room.
My stomach flipped. “W-why do y-you say that?”
Had something happened? Was there something I didn’t know about Jorjina? Something new? Something upsetting?
Aspen gestured for me to come closer, so I slid to the floor, my knees touching hers. She glanced down at the contact, and I pulled back slightly.
“Rebecca was her assistant. Just before she was reassigned.”
“Oh.” Relieved that this was something I already knew, I schooled my features into an approximation of surprise. Aspen couldn’t know what had transpired in Jorjina’s kitchen and that I already knew this information.
“I think she feeds information to the prophet,” Aspen continued while I remained stone-faced, but nodded along. A look of irritation crossed her face. “Anyway, just be careful.”
“I will. She’s a kind old woman, though. You’d like her.”
I firmly believed that Aspen and Jorjina had more in common than they had differences. They were both strong, steadfast women of the “weaker” sex who wanted to protect me like one of their own children.
Unfortunately, Aspen had no intention of considering a possible kinship with Jorjina Black. She rolled her eyes before sending Sheena to play with her siblings, then glanced at me.
“I know something is different with you,” she said. “I can feel it. But I can’t help you if you don’t trust me.”
Her words shocked me to my core. I knew Aspen was observant, perceptive, but I thought I’d managed to remain the same Brinley while in the Cluff household. Apparently not.
I said nothing, unsure how to respond. I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t.
Aspen’s mouth fell open and her cheeks turned white. “Don’t you trust me?”
“Of course,” I finally answered.
“Then?” Aspen demanded, her voice shrill.
I shook my head slowly back and forth. “You’ve always been there for me, Aspen.” I took her hand in mine. “I just wanted to thank you for that. Thank you for protecting me, teaching me, even when I resisted.”
“You’re scaring me,” Aspen said softly, and took a ragged breath. She tugged on my hand, pulling me closer. “Talk to me.”
I had to soothe her, to calm her nerves. I had to deceive her one last time—for her own safety and mine.
“There’s nothing to say, I promise.” I paused before realizing I had the best possible excuse. I’d done plenty of reading on this topic; it was time to utilize it. I pressed my hand to my abdomen. “It must be the pregnancy. I’ve been so emotional these days.”
“Of course. Well, that makes sense, doesn’t it?” Aspen smiled then, a fake smile showing too much teeth. That smile gave me goose bumps; Aspen never faked happiness. On the surface, she was accepting my excuse. But what was hiding beneath that facade?
Her fingers released my wrist and they did, I felt her letting go of me, of us.
Memories. So many memories rocketed through my brain, like a show on Porter’s television. Aspen checking on me after my horrific honeymoon with Lehi. Aspen guiding me through life in the Cluff household—the day to day, the mundane, the necessary. None of my other sister wives had bothered, allowing me to figure everything out on my own. But Aspen took pity on me, and gave me endless tips to help me through each day as a wife in the house of Cluff. Aspen protecting me from Leandra’s wrath on more occasions than I could count. Aspen assisting me with my sick mother.
In that very moment, I realized just how much I would miss my sister wife. For three years she’d accepted me, even when she clearly had no patience for my mistakes, my na?veté, and my youth. She’d accepted me, loved and defended me, even when I didn’t deserve it.
I would miss her terribly.
Overcome with emotion, I rose to my knees and pounced on Aspen, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and squeezing her tightly. Initially, her response was wooden and unresponsive. But after several seconds, I felt her muscles relax, and she warmed to our embrace. Her hands wrapped around my back and rubbed my back gently, as I’d seen her do so many times with her children.
“Wow, you really are overemotional in your second trimester, aren’t you?”
Tears slipped from my eyes and landed on the shoulder of Aspen’s dress. Her words made me pull away, and I wiped my eyes with the back of my sleeve. “Sorry, I—yes, I guess I am.”
“It’s fine.” Aspen stiffened once again, pulling away from my arms.
I released her, rose to my feet, and wiped my eyes once again. “I-I’m going to be late. I’d better go.”
“Have a nice day and remember what I said.” Aspen turned away and wiped at one of her eyes.
Even though I knew she would never admit it, she’d been touched by our moment together. She cared for me immensely, of this I was certain.
? ? ?
Jorjina was especially mild mannered that day. She said nothing when I was fifteen minutes late. She shrugged off the toast I burned and didn’t blink an eye when I forgot to put the teakettle on.
My mind was racing and my thoughts jumbled, planning my escape since it was imminent. I’d pack my suitcase; the eight hundred dollars was already tucked inside the front pouch. The trinkets from Aspen’s children were necessary, as well as my undergarments and toiletries. I’d considered taking my wedding band from Lehi, knowing that I could possibly trade it in the outside world, either for money or some other goods. But I’d never get past my guilt. The ring belonged to Lehi and any wife who might come after me. So, it would be left on my dresser. When Lehi inevitably discovered I was missing and had left my ring behind, he would know that I was gone forever.
Packing my room would only take a few moments. But to leave without suspicion would require my waiting until everyone had gone to sleep. That would give me ample time to contact Porter with my phone, and it would ensure that Tiffany would be at her apartment after a long shift at the free clinic.
“Your head is in the clouds,” Jorjina said, yanking me from my thoughts.
We were standing at the counter. The pot roast we’d prepared for dinner steamed from the ceramic dish. I shook my head, trying to startle myself back into the present moment.
“Penny for your thoughts.”
Her crow’s feet were extensive, and when Jorjina was concerned, it only magnified the creases in her skin. At that moment, Jorjina’s wrinkles seemed to travel past her temples to cover her cheeks. She was worried about me. About me and my thoughts.
“It’s best if we don’t talk about it.”
“I’ve told you before, you can trust me. I’ve done terrible things in the past, but you’re special to me. I’d never do that to you.”
“I know, I just—it’s better if we don’t . . .”
“I see.” Jorjina nodded, stabbing slices of the roast and placing them on a plate. The sadness of her expression sent a stabbing sensation right to my heart. I’d miss her, and quiet moments like this. Normally I’d assist her in preparing her supper before leaving to eat with the Cluff family. But today I was compelled to alter my plans.
“May I . . . um, may I eat with you tonight?” I reached for the cabinet, but waited for her permission before retrieving a plate.
“Yes, of course. I’d be delighted.” Jorjina waved me away from the cabinet, grabbed a plate and placed it on the counter, then scooped a heaping portion of the roast. A giant, giddy smile crossed her face as she dug with the serving spoon. “Carrots, my dear?”
“Yes, please, but let me help—”
“No. Not today. You’re my guest and you must let me serve you.”
“All right.”
I enjoyed this feeling; it was as if I were her guest of honor. No one in the Cluff household cared if I was present for a meal or not. No one wanted me near them. But Jorjina, she was different. Slowly, I was starting to trust her. And I knew that if given more time, I would have shared my secrets with her, but there simply wasn’t time to do that.
I had to be smart. I needed to leave the Cluff home in the middle of the night, and be sure to leave no clues behind. If she’d already shared my secrets with the prophet, so be it. But deep within my heart, I knew that wasn’t the case. I knew it with every fiber of my being.
Jorjina and I laughed and talked as we feasted on the pot roast, Jorjina praising my skills in the kitchen, especially considering my young age. She knew I had paid attention during my younger years, and appreciated my efforts. When our plates were scraped clean, I offered to wash her dishes before leaving. Oddly enough, even though I was excited to make my exit, I was dreading saying good-bye to one of the only friends I had.
“No, don’t be silly. Like I said, you’re my guest. Besides, if I’m too tired to do it, you’ll have something to keep you busy in the morning.” She pursed her lips together, biting down on her lower lip. Her eyebrows shot up toward the ceiling as she stared at me.
I swallowed hard, not knowing how to respond. But I didn’t have to. Jorjina placed her hand over mine and squeezed. “Thank you for having dinner with me.”
“You’re welcome,” I managed to choke out. My voice was hoarse, my throat dry.
“You know,” she said slowly, then released my hand. She perched her chin in her hands and gave me a sad, but tender look. “If you were to ever take my advice and leave this place, I’d pray for you.”
I paused and embraced her hypothetical topic of conversation. “You would?”
“Of course. You’re a treasure of a girl, Brinley. I see bright things in your future.” Her crow’s feet seemed to diminish, her smile taking over the landscape of her worn, yet still beautiful face.
“Really?”
“Absolutely. You will shine brightly, my darling. I just know it.”
My eyes blurred with tears, and I mimicked her posture, perching my chin in my hands. “Well, if I did . . . hypothetically speaking, of course . . .”
“Of course,” she said, urging me on with a smile.
“You’d always hold a special place in my heart. Always.”
Jorjina closed her eyes and nodded her head before clearing her throat and rising to her feet. “Well, off you go. I’ll, um, I’ll see you in the morning. Bright and early.”
“Bright and early,” I repeated, standing to face her. Taking two small steps forward, I wrapped my arms around Jorjina, resisting the urge to squeeze her too tightly. She was more fragile than Aspen; I had to be gentle.
“Thank you,” I managed to say, fighting the storm of tears that threatened.
? ? ?
I left Jorjina’s house and made my final walk back to the Cluff household, unable to wipe the grin from my face. Soon I’d be packed and waiting . . . waiting to exit this life and start anew. I began to take inventory as I entered the house and closed the front door behind me.
I needed to retrieve my phone from the closet and send a text message to Porter, letting him know that I’d made my decision. I needed to finish packing my suitcase, brush my teeth, and wait, wait, wait until the time was right.
When I walked past the kitchen, Brenda glanced up from the sink and nodded stoically. Piles and piles of dishes rested in soap suds beneath her hands. Normally I would have offered to assist her, but tonight I was no longer willing.
Tonight was about me. About my future. About everything I had to look forward to.
“Good night,” I simply said and she nodded in response. A sense of peace spread throughout my body, throughout my brain, calming the racing thoughts. In just a few short hours, I’d be free.
But that all changed when I opened my bedroom door to find my husband and his first wife standing in my room. Leandra held my purse in her hands and Lehi stood with his arms crossed, his cheeks bright red, his chest heaving and his nostrils flaring.
And everything changed in an instant.