Chapter 2
Last night was the first time Rebecca fell asleep without tears soaking her pillow. Her boys were doing well with the other children. Some meltdowns occurred, but nothing that seemed to have her worried. She was making her best effort to learn the structure of our home and to find her place.
“Are you nervous?” I whispered as we lay in bed on our last night together in my room, both fighting sleep, knowing that tomorrow brought much change for all of us. She and Lehi were to be married by the prophet, followed by one night away as their honeymoon.
“About the marriage?”
I nodded.
“Not about the ceremony.”
“The honeymoon?”
“No one has touched me but Burt. No one.”
The room was almost pitch black. I couldn’t see her eyes, but knew they must be pained. She was doing her best, but this wasn’t what she wanted for herself or for her boys. She missed her family.
“Does he . . . I’m sorry, it’s not proper of me to ask.”
“You can ask me anything, Rebecca,” I assured her. We’d spent the last five nights getting to know each other better. We shared stories; we laughed and cried. She was quickly becoming my best friend. I trusted her, and I wanted her to trust me.
“Does he expect it on the first night?”
I wanted to ease her fears, to tell her that Lehi was a gentle lover who waited until his wives were ready. But that simply wasn’t my experience.
“Yes.”
She sighed loudly into her pillow, her breathing ragged as she held back tears.
“But . . . it doesn’t last too long,” I said, and raised one wicked eyebrow.
Rebecca let out a small giggle, clutching her pillow. When she laughed, I felt the tension in the air break apart and I laughed with her. As our laughter filled the air, we covered our mouths to keep from waking our sister wives.
“May I ask something?”
“Yes, of course,” Rebecca answered.
I hesitated and then asked, “What do you miss most about him? About Burt?”
Rebecca lay in silence, but I could hear her wringing the fabric of her nightgown between her hands. Another moment in thought passed by.
“I miss his crooked nose and bushy eyebrows when he hadn’t groomed them in a while. The way his smile pulled to the left more than the right. The way he smelled after working a day in the summer heat.”
I pursed my lips, confused at her words and at her memory of Burt. “He doesn’t sound at all attractive.”
“He wasn’t, Brinley. Not in the sense that women find Lehi attractive. But he was attractive to my heart. And my heart will have no one else.”
“Wow.” I was amazed by the idea of missing everything about one person. It was unfathomable to me. If I were reassigned this minute, I’d miss the security of Lehi, but not much else. He didn’t have much of a sense of humor, and he wasn’t interested in discussing current events in the community with his wives. He was a man of few words who kept to himself. But he took care of me, and I didn’t feel suffocated. He wasn’t a watchdog; I was allowed to go into town when necessary, and he also allowed me to visit my parents as often as I wanted. Not everyone could say that about their husbands.
“He loved me,” Rebecca added. “Really loved me. I don’t believe I’ll ever feel that way for Lehi.”
“I understand.”
“But I’m thankful for you. I didn’t care much for my sister wives before. You’re different.”
“I feel the same way. Aspen and I are . . . it’s complicated, but I guess we’re friends. I could never tell her the things I’ve told you, though. And I’ve known her for years.”
“I feel honored.”
I reached over and gripped her hand. “I’ll do whatever I can to help you feel at home here.”
“Thank you. That means so much.”
She drifted to sleep still holding my hand. Her grip loosened as her body relaxed into slumber.
I listened to her breathing, knowing I would miss having her here with me. But starting the next morning, she’d have her own room, her own space. And I’d be forced to welcome Lehi back into mine.
? ? ?
Lehi and Rebecca were married this morning by the prophet. Rebecca wore a crisp white cotton dress with a scalloped collar and a bow in the center of her chest. Her hair was styled in the usual way, but a few of the young girls had found fresh flowers for her to place inside the grooves of her French braid. During the short ceremony, her teeth dug into her bottom lip. I’d seen her do that several times since arriving at the Cluff household. She was holding back tears, and nervously clutched at the fabric of her wedding dress.
Leandra was determined to have a bedroom ready and waiting for Rebecca when she and Lehi returned from their night together. She assumed I was missing him (I wasn’t) and that Rebecca was ready for her own private space (she wasn’t), and felt the best way to make everyone happy was to rearrange the bedrooms to accommodate Rebecca.
“I need someone to go into town,” Leandra said as she clipped coupons at the large kitchen table in our dining area.
That statement was my favorite in the world. I craved it and jumped at any chance to leave the compound and venture out into the “outside world.”
“I’ll go,” I said as casually as I could.
Leandra’s eyes never met mine. She reached across the table for a white envelope and handed it to me without looking up.
“Get the items on the list. There’s cash in the envelope. Don’t be gone too long. We have supper to prepare.”
“Yes, Leandra.”
On my way out the door, I stopped into my bedroom to grab my purse. The frayed denim bag that I hid inside an old shoebox in my closet desperately needed to be replaced, but it served more than one purpose for me. The secret compartment of the bag held something precious, something that must stay hidden at all costs. No one in my family knew, and I intended to keep it that way. It was my secret and would continue to be.
Placing the envelope in my tattered bag, I grabbed a couple of fresh cookies from the kitchen and walked out of our house and through our small gate. The white stone wall that surrounded the property might seem attractive to some, but to me it was ominous, a reminder that I was living in a cage. And even though I was able to leave from time to time when the first wife deemed it so, this was the cage in which I would eventually raise my children, grow old, and in due time, die.
All within the confines of the Cluff property of the compound.
When I reached the edge of the compound, I found the only two men I interacted with on a regular basis: our daytime guards. Samuel and Daniel were a few years older than me and were each on their way to being an important part of the priesthood. They spent their days guarding the compound, making sure outsiders did not peep into our property or break into our temple. Whenever I ventured into town, I brought them fresh baked goods. In return, they were friendly and never asked me where I had been if I didn’t return home before sunset.
Even at a young age, I knew that our temple was grandiose. A large, white, hulking structure, it intimidated those outside our compound. But intimidation can still lead to curiosity. Outsiders were fascinated by our hair, our clothing, our way of life. And although it didn’t happen often, Samuel and Daniel would sometimes be forced to escort snooping outsiders off the property.
Because of this, many of the homes in our compound were surrounded by walls just like the one that surrounded the Cluff house. It was all I’d ever known, so to me, it was perfectly normal. When I ventured out into the outside world, it fascinated me how people would build their homes so close to a road where thousands would pass by. Didn’t they want their privacy? Didn’t they feel on display? Perhaps not.
I’d been taught that all outsiders, even those who followed the mainstream Mormon church, would burn in hell when they died. We were the chosen people who were truly living as God commanded—within the doctrine of plural marriage. Our husbands would become gods themselves and rule over planets of their own. They would live an eternal life of paradise. But when I ventured into the outside world, I was always surprised at how friendly and kind the outsiders seemed to be.
When you were raised to think that everyone outside your community was bound to an eternity of punishment and misery, it shaped your expectations. I’d always expected to see misery upon their sinning faces. I’d always expected hatred to spew from their mouths. I’d always expected shriveled skin, bags under their eyes, anything that would indicate misery of the body, of the vessel God had created.
But when I went into town to run errands or visit the free clinic, that wasn’t at all what I saw. I saw kindness and common courtesy. I saw children holding the hands of their mothers, just as I’d always done. Only these children were wearing different clothes and had shorter hair, styled in all sorts of ways. Some of the girls wore their hair down so it spilled over their shoulders. Some wore clips or bands around their heads. They looked beautiful.
Makeup was forbidden in our community. What you saw was what you got. But in town, the women had lush pink lips and gorgeous lashes that curled seductively from their eyes. They possessed a confidence that I couldn’t quite understand.
The prophet’s words echoed through my brain, reminding me that all of what I was observing was sin. I knew this. But I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like, even for just a day, to live like they do. To wear makeup in public, to choose my own clothing, to cut my hair short or curl it with an iron. I was fascinated. If Leandra or any of my sister wives knew of my obsession with the outsiders, I wouldn’t be allowed to go into town any longer. So I hid it.
Once I’d purchased everything on Leandra’s list, I checked the hidden compartment of my bag. Only three days left. It was time.
The free clinic was only a few blocks from the grocery store. As always, my heart raced when I walked through the revolving door of the utilitarian building. I could only hope Tiffany was working today.
Four years ago, my cousin Tiffany left our community to live on the outside. She had become my confidante, the only person in the world who knew what I had been keeping from Lehi since we married. She knew what I needed and made sure I received it. Every single month.
My pulse slowed when I saw her, sitting behind the front desk of the clinic, explaining to a young woman how to fill out the forms properly.
When our eyes met, she smiled and held up one finger. This was our drill. We didn’t say much to each other these days. She knew my reason for visiting. When I first started visiting the clinic, she had all kinds of questions about her siblings, her friends, and the boy she’d had a crush on from afar. But not anymore. She’d immersed herself in the outside world and her curiosity had dissipated. But she continued to help me, and for that I was grateful.
The patient in front of me hugged her clipboard and walked to one of the many empty chairs behind us. The way clear, I stepped forward.
Tiffany whispered, “Cutting it close, I see.”
“It’s been busy at home.”
“Give me just a minute. I’ll have it ready for you.”
“Thank you.”
Tiffany walked to the back room, and I listened to the soft music playing through the speakers. That was one thing I looked forward to when stopping by the clinic. Music was forbidden at home, but I loved the soothing melodies that echoed through the clinic. I didn’t know the names of the songs or the people who created them, but I enjoyed them just the same. Every month when I visited it was different, never the same song twice. I wondered how many songs there could possibly be. Hundreds? Thousands?
My mind drifted, remembering the first time Tiffany had helped me . . .
? ? ?
When the prophet had revealed that I was to wed Lehi Cluff, I’d had a full-blown panic attack, although I didn’t know that was what it was called. Worried, my older sister, Jessa, had taken me to the clinic. Tiffany had taken pity on me and led me to an examination room. While Jessa waited in the reception area, Tiffany had sat next to me, taking my hand in hers, rubbing my back with the other.
“You’re having an anxiety attack.”
“What is that?”
“Your body is reacting to something that scares you. Did something happen?”
“I’m getting married.”
“Ah.” She shook her head. “I see.”
“What? I’m not afraid.” I frowned at her, drawing away. I couldn’t betray my future husband, my family, my prophet.
“Of course you are,” she said, her voice soft and comforting. “That’s perfectly normal. Do you even know him?”
I shook my head.
“Damn them,” she muttered, pursing her lips together.
“Please don’t—”
“Listen to me. Are you ready, ready for all of this? You can run away. You don’t have to stay there.”
“What?” I recoiled. “Where would I go? What would I do?”
“You could stay with me. I have an apartment above the pharmacy.”
“No, I—I couldn’t do that. I’m expected to marry Elder Cluff.”
“Elder Cluff?” She gasped. “He’s old!”
“He’s not that old.”
“Oh, Brinley.” She frowned and patted my shoulder. “I can help you. Just say the word.”
Two months later, I did return to the clinic, but not for an escape. I was looking for a delay. A delay to the inevitable. I simply wasn’t ready for the next step in my commitment to Lehi. But no one would approve of my desire for a delay.
No one but Tiffany.
? ? ?
“Here you are,” Tiffany said, interrupting my reverie as she placed a small bag on the counter. Quickly, I removed the plastic disk and shoved it into the hidden compartment of my purse.
“Thank you.”
“Any problems?”
I shook my head.
“Good. My offer still stands, you know.”
“I’m fine,” I insisted, my head still moving in denial that had become automatic.
Tiffany sighed. “If you ever change your mind, tell me. Don’t let pride stand in your way.”
“Thank you,” I said, waving good-bye as I walked out the door of the clinic, and back to the compound.
Back to my home.
Back to my cage.