Chapter Three
~Clare~
"So much for sleeping tonight," I said to no one as I set the alarm clock next to the bed for one hour in the future. Our discharge papers said I had to wake Maddie every hour the first night. She’d had the worst day ever and to top it off, she would be startled awake all night. She was going to hate me.
As I tucked her in minutes ago, she gave me her goodnight hug and kiss routine, and then said "Mommy, I'm sorry I scared you. I'm not gonna leave you alone like Daddy." Dear lord, the things kids say.
"Oh baby, I know. Daddy left us because he was sick, and it was his time to be with the angels. It wasn’t his fault. I know you’re staying right here with me. But maybe you could lay off the climbing a bit?" I said, hoping to lighten the mood.
A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, "Okay, Mommy. Are you really going to build a ballet barre in my room?"
Oh, right, that. "Well, we’re definitely going to try. How about on Sunday we take a trip to the home improvement store and get everything we need?" I said, praying for divine intervention. I am so defunct at home improvement, hammers and nails flee in my presence.
She bobbed her head up and down enthusiastically, and I gave her one last hug and kiss before turning off the light. My eyes wandered over to the corner where the ballet barre would go and, as I walked out of the room, I wondered how in the world I was going to make this happen for my little girl.
Ethan, if you are up there...a little help? Please?
Walking into my bedroom, I flopped down on my bed just in time to pick up my ringing cell phone which was currently blaring “Milkshake” by Kelis. God, I hated that song.
Leah.
She had an obsession with ringtones. Or maybe she just liked to mess with me. She periodically stole my phone and programmed a new default ringtone, knowing full well I had no idea how to change it. She would wait patiently, like a lioness waiting for prey, until I would call her bitching about how my phone rang in the middle of the grocery store blaring “Sexy and I Know It”, or “Don’t Cha Wish your Girlfriend was Hot Like Me?” by the p-ssycat Dolls in the middle of a preschool play. Leah found it hilarious. Me? Not so much. When my phone started singing “Baby” by Justin Beiber in the gynecologist’s office, I almost killed her. She kept that particular one programmed for weeks, slowly driving me insane. I really needed to learn how to use my cellphone.
"Hi Leah, she's doing much better," I answered.
"Oh, thank God. Thank you for taking care of my precious goddaughter tonight. I’ve been worried,” she said. She always played up her godmother role, like she was a queen or something.
“Well, now you can calm down. She’s asleep. Well, for the next hour at least.”
Leah’s always been like a sister to me and she loves my daughter like an aunt. I fear what she and Maddie might do together when she gets older. I may have to set ground rules. No rock concerts with Aunt Leah.
“Do you like your new ringtone?" she jeered.
"You're just lucky I answered in the first place. After tonight, I’m seriously driving all the way downtown if I need an ER. That had to be the most embarrassing moment of my life.”
Dr. Matthews knew exactly who I was talking about the minute he walked into that room. The over confident grin he’d briefly flashed before examining Maddie said so.
"Why? Because he heard you say he was hot? Well, duh. He is. It's not like he doesn't know it," she said, like it was no big deal.
"Oh God and the comment about how long it'd been. Jesus, he must think I'm a nun...or a prude," I whined, finding a comfortable position on the bed. I absentmindedly twisted a dark red curl around my finger.
Wait, aren't those the same things?"
"Shut up, not funny."
"Okay, like I was saying before we were interrupted by the very topic of our conversation. Dr. Matthews is single, and you are single...oil, gears...etc.”
Wow. Subtle, Leah.
"And as I told you earlier, I have no idea why you are telling me this."
"Clare, sweetie. It's been over three years. I'm not saying go find a new husband. But at least think about the possibility of getting back out there and having a little fun,” she said gently.
"Fun? I have fun," I fired back defensively.
"I mean the adult version of fun. The horizontal kind you do with the opposite sex."
Oh. Right. I'd forgotten about that kind of fun.
"I just don't know if I'm ready, Leah," I huffed into the phone.
"Sweetie, you'll never know if you don't try. What better person to test drive than a super sexy doctor?" Leah cajoled.
"Maybe you should take your own advice? When was the last time you went out on a date?” I asked, knowing full well the answer. It had been months.
Leah had been in a long term relationship with a guy named Daniel. They were getting pretty serious and everyone expected him to propose. Then Ethan got sick and she did what any best friend would do. She dropped everything and helped me run my life for the next year. She was there for me every step of the way. When I needed a babysitter while we went to doctor’s appointments, chemo treatments and counseling sessions, she was there. She picked up groceries, paid bills, and held me when I cried. She was my rock. But unfortunately, Daniel was not as understanding. He left, saying she cared more about me than him. It devastated her, and I've felt guilty ever since. She's told me over and over that it obviously wasn't meant to be, and I agree, but the guilt remains. Ever since Daniel, her dating life has been minimal.
"We're not talking about me," she answered, changing the subject.
“We're talking about you and hot doctors. I could get his number for you. You could call and say you had a question about Maddie. No, wait! You could ask for a house call!"
“Oh my God. You’re insane. And no. You are not breaking into hospital records to get a phone number for me,” I said. I took a deep breath, knowing full well she was not going to give up.
"I need some time. Give me a few days. Maybe we can go bar hopping or something, but I don’t need to be set up with a billionaire doctor to get my mojo going again.”
"All right, but I expect you to get some phone numbers when we go barhopping. No hiding in the corner booth. I still think hot doctor is the way to go. It would definitely be my pick. Yum,” she said, in a dreamy voice.
I allowed myself one last fleeting memory of the moment I’d shared with the doctor today. Had I shared a moment with him, or was it just an indication that I needed to move on. Could I?
"It's time, Clare," Leah said, just as the one hour alarm went off saving me from further discussion on my love life, or lack thereof.
“I’ve got to go wake up our sleeping beauty.”
“Better you than me. That girl is a bear when she’s sleepy,” she joked.
“No kidding. Just like her godmother.”
After waking a very sleepy and unhappy Maddie and returning her back to bed, I readied myself for sleep. I finally eased into bed after a day that seemed like it would never end. Running my hands over the soft sheets, I tried to remember what it was like to have Ethan here beside me. It seemed like a lifetime ago that he and I were here together in this place, and yet I can still remember the exact color of his eyes, and the way he smelled after a shower when I lay in his arms. My eyes traveled over the room we’d decorated so long ago. We spent forever picking out the exact shade of gray, and the perfect furniture. The first year of our marriage was spent making this house our home. And now it was just me, raising our daughter, alone.
I can’t help but think what today would have been like with him by my side. What it would have felt like to have someone there, holding my hand? Holding Maddie’s hand, and assuring us everything would be fine.
My fingers reached toward the nightstand drawer next to the bed, pulling out the envelope I’d held so many times before. Still sealed, with worn edges from constantly being held, I brought it to my nose, hoping there would still be a faint whiff of his cologne, but knowing full well there wasn’t.
On the front of the envelope, it simply says "When you're ready" in Ethan's messy handwriting. I always gave him shit for it, asking him how he could read the scribble he produced. He would laugh and admit that he couldn't. I smiled, remembering all the years of sweet memories we shared.
I found the letter weeks after he died, when I was looking through one of his drawers. Knowing him, he'd probably hid it somewhere out of the way on purpose, knowing I’d need some time. Those first weeks of grief were...well, there were no words. When someone close to you dies, it feels like they take a piece of your very soul with them. There were days when all I could do was muster up the energy to breathe. I would have done anything and everything to have a small piece of him back. When I finally found the letter, digging through his drawers, looking for something I don’t even remember anymore, I looked at the words he’d scribbled down on the envelope and froze. Part of me wanted to rip the envelope open that second, but those three words kept me from doing so. For nearly three years that envelope had sat in my nightstand. On the nights when missing him would get too much to bear, I’d pull it out and run my fingers over the words Ethan had written, and feel like he was here with me. But to this day, I still couldn’t break the seal.
"Ready for what, Ethan? How will I know?" I asked the silence. It didn’t answer back. It never did.
~Logan~
Sitting in my usual spot at the bar, I looked around at the quiet little pub I liked to frequent on the nights I wanted to be left alone. The bar was mostly empty tonight, as it was most nights, but that's why I liked it. You could settle yourself in the corner with a drink and disappear. And that is why I came to this city, after all. If I got the itch for something more...female, I would head downtown. But in here, I was left alone, to be whatever was left of me.
"Hey Logan, you need another one?” Cindy, the bartender asked.
"Sure, why not?" I hadn’t finished with the one I’d been nursing, but I was optimistic.
"Save any lives today?" Cindy asked me that question every time I saw her. Settling into her mid-fifties, she had one of those voices that sounded like a truck driving over gravel, and her hair was hair-sprayed to the ceiling.
"Nope. Slow night. But I did pull a Lego out of a kid’s nose. That was solid entertainment."
She laughed, moving across the bar to get my new drink.
Thinking about the hospital brought my thoughts circling back to the little girl with the strawberry curls and her beautiful mother, Clare. All evening, I couldn’t stop thinking about them. Especially Clare. I never thought a woman covered in vomit could be so appealing. Thinking about the conversation I walked in on with her friend still makes me chuckle under my breath. I needed to Google that Somerhalder dude. Was he an actor? I had no idea who she was talking about.
"Cracking yourself up tonight, hun?" Cindy asked with a pointed gaze, dangling a freshly refilled drink before my eyes. "Maybe I need to keep this for myself, Doc?”
Feeling bold due to the memories of Clare and the whiskey currently zinging through my veins, I blurted out, "Cindy, do you think everyone’s capable of love?”
Surprised, she quickly answered, “Yes, I think everyone's capable of lovin’ another, why?”
“Because I’m not so sure. How do you know?”
I thought I was in love with Melanie. Hell, I’d even married her. But then I discovered the truth too late, trapping her in a loveless marriage, and driving her into the arms of another man.
Cindy looked at me like I'd grown two heads. In the years I had visited this place, we’d had conversations all the time, but they never went beyond friendly banter and her relentless flirting. It was obvious she didn’t know what to do with the sudden onset of my liquid confessions.
"You okay, hun? I know a man who wants to keep to himself, and I respect that, but you’re different tonight.” She looked at me, her eyes full of concern.
“What’s got your emotions so ripped open all the sudden?”
I completely froze. What was I doing? Bleeding my heart out to a middle aged bartender? It was ridiculous.
Whatever I felt in that exam room today was over. Clare was gone, and I needed to get on with my life. Love didn’t happen in an instant. Especially for me. And that woman, shit...any decent woman, didn't deserve the train wreck of life that would come with becoming involved with me. No need to introduce someone else to a life of Logan sized failures and f*ck ups. I would stick to what I was good at, what everyone expected of me.
"Sorry, Cindy. Must be the whiskey talking. Just rambling. Anyway, I'm out."
I threw a couple twenties on the bar and slid on my jacket.
"I'm headed downtown to start some trouble," I said, forcing a grin to spread, before heading out the door.
Enough thinking for tonight.