What Goes Around

chapter SIXTY TWO

The First Christmas (without him).

Gloria has been here.

There's a bunch of flowers on his grave–it says With love from your girls.

I haven't been here for ages. I've never really wanted to come, rather it was something I felt I ought to do but I actually wanted to come today.

Mum’s at home with Charlotte, I tell him. Today’s already hard enough for her, without bringing her to the cemetery. I hope he can understand that.

She’s doing okay, I tell him.

Things are getting better now. She loves her school, she’s not wetting the bed anymore and we can talk about you at times now, without her crying, we can talk about you and smile.

Oh, and I tell him about the house sale.

He has a right to know.

That for once an estate agent wasn’t lying - he did have the perfect people in mind for the house, but they needed to move in soon, which was great because I put in an offer for the cottage. I tell him how much I got for the house, I am quite sure that somewhere he smiles.

No global financial crisis stops me.

I tell him lots of things, just not about me.

I turn and walk away.

I feel guilty that I'm moving on.

That I’m doing okay without him.

I don’t need to tell him that I’ve halved my medication dose and no, I haven’t gone barking mad. In fact, in the New Year, Dr Patel says we can see how I go without them.

I don’t tell him about Lucy’s Lists and the phone calls that have started to come in.

I don’t have to run my life by him.

It’s mine.

‘Alice rang!’ Charlotte’s all excited when I get back, we’ve been in the cottage for a couple of weeks now and it’s so much smaller. As soon as I walk in I smell the pine of the Christmas tree. ‘She and Hugh are engaged!’ Charlotte's almost dancing on the spot. ‘Do you think I’ll be a bridesmaid?’

‘I don't think so Charlotte.’ I try to let her down before Alice does, I don't want her to build up her hopes but she's never been a bridesmaid before. That would be right – I bet they do ask her and my daughter will finally get to be a bridesmaid and I won't even get to see. I wait for the twist in my stomach, for the churning bitterness towards the Original Jameson Girls and a snake of hate towards Gloria to transpire, except it doesn't come. I’m glad it doesn’t come because I’ve found out that hate leaks into everything, I mean everything. It’s toxic and it’s there even if you can’t see it, and I love that it’s gone, or almost gone.

‘But do you think I might be?’ Charlotte begs.

I love that I can think of my daughter and the best response to her question without that toxic hate leaking into everything, contaminating everything.

I go to the sink and I pour cool water and take a drink and then I speak. ‘Hugh might have a big family, it might be a tiny wedding, she might have it in Australia….’

The phone rings and I pick it up without thinking, then close my eyes because it's Gloria.

‘Oh, sorry,’ she says when she hears my voice and I realise she must have spoken to Alice and assumed that I was still out. ‘I was just ringing to say Happy Christmas to Charlotte, or rather, for Daisy to say Happy Christmas to Charlotte…’

‘Sure.’ God that sounded so brittle, so I change my voice. ‘She’ll love that. Merry Christmas, Gloria.’

‘Merry Christmas, Lucy.’ I call Charlotte and she chats away to my late husband's ex-wife and blows kisses down the phone to her niece and it's too confusing to explain really.

Most confusing for me is that I wish I'd seen Gloria at the cemetery.

I want to talk to her today; I want to ask her how she is feeling. I want to know if it’s killing her to smile as she pulls out the turkey, if she's happy about Alice getting engaged or has it made her think of him and all that he is missing out on?

I can hear Charlotte asking if the wedding is going to be in England, and how big Hugh’s family is. I know where this is leading but instead of tapping her on the shoulder and making a furious face at her and telling her to leave things be, I let her carry on.

Gloria knows how to deal with her and, for a little while, I hand my daughter’s heart over to her, safe in the knowledge that it will be looked after.

‘All right pet?’ Mum asks

‘Fine.’

‘You’re doing a great job.’

Funny, but her words help, Mum’s words really help me, because it is a job. Being a parent is full-time job and I've taken a bit too much time off these past nine months. I’m trying to make up for it, so we put sparklers on the Christmas pudding and we sing all the songs and we all do what we can to get through this day.

I ache to hear his voice.

I do, because despite all the shit, we always managed to cobble together a good Christmas.

We did, and, as I eat my Christmas pudding and smother it in brandy butter, I remember some of them and we talk about some of them too.

But there’s another voice that I ache to hear, so it's a relief when on Christmas night the phone rings.

Just the sound of Luke makes me want to close my eyes and cry.

‘How are you doing?’

‘Getting there,’ I say.

‘How’s Charlotte?’

‘I'll get her for you.’ But he stops me.

‘I was ringing to speak to you too.’ I hear him hesitate. ‘I want to apologise for what happened.’

‘Nothing happened,’ I remind him.

‘Even so, I am truly sorry, Lucy. I was in a bad place.’

‘I know,’ I tell him. ‘I was doing your shopping. Any surprises in your delivery around that time?’

There’s a very long pause and then he starts to laugh.

‘You’re a witch, Lucy.’

‘A good witch now,’ I smile. ‘And yes, you’re forgiven.’

‘How’s Charlotte?’ I’m glad for the change of subject and also it's a relief to talk about her to someone who is on her side. That's what I miss most about her dad, okay he might not have made Husband-of-the-Year, but he was on Charlotte’s side along with me. ‘I think she's okay; the move was a bit stressful. The house just sold so quickly but I think it was the right time and she is happy in the cottage. Just today's been a bit hard. I know she misses him.’ I'm close to tears I realise and I pause and Luke lets me, he doesn't interrupt, he doesn't finish my words, he gives me time to say it. ‘I miss him,’ I admit. ‘Not all the time, but I miss him today.’

‘I miss him today too.’

‘How are you doing?’ I ask.

‘Okay, I guess. Today's been a bit…’ I'm close to tears again, not for me this time though, for him.

‘You miss Jess?’

‘Not all the time.’

‘Just today,’ I say.

‘We sound like a Dolly Parton song.’

He does make me smile.

He asks about my Christmas dinner and I describe it in detail and he lets me. I think he is a bit pissed. I wish I was. I wish I was a bit pissed on Christmas night with Luke.

‘I nearly did something stupid the other day,’ Luke says. ‘I was trying to work out what to get Charlotte for Christmas and with all the money from the house and the apartment and everything and I know how much she loved her pony...’

‘No!’

‘I nearly did,’ he laughs.

‘Luke, I would never have forgiven you. That pony nearly killed me…’ I’m sitting on the hall floor and I'm laughing as I remember all the shit I had to pick up and the early morning starts and the bitchy mothers.

‘Lucy, I want to ask you something. Please don't be offended, please don't take this the wrong way…’

My heart is hammering in my chest.

I don't want this; I don't want him to suggest that we get together during a Dolly Parton phone call. I don’t want a shag and a chardonnay, even though I sort of do. ‘Can I pay for her to have riding lessons?’

I'm disappointed, I'm relieved and I laugh. ‘Actually you don't have to worry about that.’ I tell him about this tiny doctor who doesn't want anyone having lessons on her horse, but she want someone to regularly ride him as she can only get there every other weekend.

We talk for a little while longer and I clear up something that’s been niggling.

‘He was right,’ I say and there’s a long pause. ‘I was cheating.’ The phone goes silent for a very long time. ‘I wasn’t cheating with someone else though, I was cheating on me.’ He’s still silent. ‘I was cheating myself out of a nice life and a good marriage and yes, I think I was starting to realise that.’

Charlotte comes out then and I say goodnight to Luke and put her on. She excitedly tells him about the puppy I got her for Christmas.

Did I forget to mention that?

Yes a dog’s for life but Charlotte will love it for life.

So will I if it ever stops piddling.

Honestly, he’s the size of a teapot and he holds as much liquid.

He drinks all the time and I’m terrified that he’s diabetic or he’s got something wrong with his kidneys. That he’ll end up on twice weekly dialysis or something.

I watch him nearly fall over as he tries to cock his leg.

God, you never stop worrying.

Charlotte’s tired when she comes off the phone and she gives Mum a kiss and then we put the puppy in the laundry and she thanks me over and over for him. She kisses him again and then I put her to bed. I love her so much and she’s coming back to me slowly. There’s an anxiety still there and maybe it always will be. She’s her mother’s daughter after all but we’re getting there, bit by bit, and I’m going to make sure that we keep on getting there.

I say night to my mum and I thank her for making the day better for Charlotte.

‘You sure you’re all right, pet?’ Mum asks, because she’s off to her friends. ‘I can stay.’

‘I’m fine,’ I say. I want to be on my own but it’s not like the last time and I can see that Mum’s not scared to leave me now.

The puppy should sleep downstairs but he's crying and scratching on the door. My strict, never allowed upstairs, doesn't even make it through the first night because later, much later, as I head to bed, I hear tears coming from a little girl’s room.

‘Fancy company?’ I knock on Charlotte’s door and go in but I give her a few seconds to wipe her eyes before I turn on her light. She misses her dad and I can’t fix that, I want to, I just can’t, but I see a grin of delight when she sees the puppy.

I set up a box but I know he’ll be on her bed the minute I’m gone.

As he should be.

I pick him up and I put him in her arms. I stroke his little ears and I’m so glad that he’ll be there for Charlotte through the nights, that she’s got someone to hold on to.

‘It’s like having a baby again,’ I say. ‘What with all the puppy milk and wees and poos…’

‘Why did you only have one?’ she asks and the absence of bile is there again. I just smile and stroke the puppy’s ears. ‘We were so happy with just you,’ I say.

‘Would you ever have another baby?’

I just look at the puppy, I’ve never really thought about it.

Okay - it’s you and I’m trying to be honest. Remember the time Luke came over and I had Daisy on my hip? Sometimes I jiggle that around a bit in my mind, sometimes I wish that she’d been mine and he’d been coming home to me.

‘If I could get one as cute as Daisy I would,’ I say, and that makes Charlotte smile.

‘You need a boyfriend first,’ Charlotte says.

Well, actually you don’t these days but I just look at her.

‘It’s too soon after dad,’ I say.

‘Do you miss him?’

Today I do, and my eyes fill up with tears and I nod and she cuddles me and I cuddle her and I feel her come back a little bit more to me.

‘I won’t be upset,’ she says, ‘if you get a boyfriend.’ She’s trying to comfort me, trying to come up with a solution, trying to fix but some things other people, even those that love you, can’t. ‘You’re so pretty…’

I lift my head and I look at her and I tell her the absolute truth. It’s taken me a lifetime to learn it but I want Charlotte to learn it now. ‘You need to feel pretty on the inside.’ I stroke the puppy’s ears again and his head nuzzles into my hand. ‘And I’m starting to…’

I give her a kiss and I close the door and I walk out and where’s her dad to tell me I handled that well?

I get that horrible shiver down my arms and I realise that he’s here.

Sometimes I feel that he’s here.

I sometimes don’t feel that he’s completely left our world.

It’s too spooky and I don’t like spooky, so I pour myself a brandy and I congratulate myself that I’ve made it through Christmas. I’ve cobbled one together, a good one even.

I log on and check her Facebook – I’m much more on top of all that now and Charlotte knows that I do it. Then I log off hers and I check mine.

Charlotte set me up on it yesterday and I’ve got about five friends but I see that there are a few friend requests.

Yolanda from the supermarket.

Some guy called Hans claiming to be my father (not really, that’s a little joke).

That sleazy estate agent that I used to shag (not the recent one – sold my house without a single flirt)

And Luke.

Which is awkward, because, well I’m friends with Jess on there but I am friends with Luke as well now.

That’s all we are.

I feel sick as I confirm him and then I feel even sicker when a message balloon pops up at the bottom of my screen.

Hi Lucy

Hi

What are you doing up?

Puppy wouldn’t sleep – he is now.

He???

Oh God, it’s started!

I thought Charlotte said it was called Holly.

It is.

That’s a girl’s name!

I know.

There’s a long pause and my fingers hover over the keyboard and then I type – She wanted a Christmas name and it was all we could come up with.

It’s a girl’s name. He types back at me.

Yeah, I type back, but the only alternative was Noel and…

I stop typing, there’s a pause, a very long pause and then a smiley face comes back to me.

So Holly it is then. I type back.

There’s another pause and I don’t know what to type and maybe neither does he.

Go to bed. Then he retypes. Meant - am going to bed – night Lucy.

Night.

I don’t change it to nite, because I’m allowed to be me now.

He’s nice to me now.

I check, and the puppy’s sleeping and Charlotte is too and I head off to bed, but I’m still thinking of Luke.

Like, really thinking!

So, before I get into bed, I get something out of the wardrobe.

Okay, I know I said never again. I know I promised it would be wrapped in newspaper and at the bottom of the bin.

I know – I have no excuse!