I stare at her. “How are we supposed to do that? She’s been dead for months, and she’s not buried anywhere. She was cremated.”
Joni shrugs. “We can have a memorial service, where everyone says something and you all say good-bye together. Alan can come, and Meg’s sister, and your mom, and whoever else you want. Maybe we can light some candles.”
I nod slowly, thinking. “Are you sure you’re okay with that?”
“Of course.”
My mind starts to turn with the possibilities. “Mabel told me her parents keep her ashes in their living room. She would hate that. Maybe…” No, it’s too crazy. We couldn’t.
But then again, just because it’s crazy doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
“Maybe,” I say again, “we could take them, or get Mabel to take them, and we could scatter her ashes at the lake, like Meg would have wanted.”
Joni’s eyes go wide. “You want to steal her ashes from her parents,” she repeats.
“Yeah. Too much?”
“Probably,” she says.
“Yeah.”
She shrugs. “But it’s worth a shot.”
“Really?”
“Sure, why not.”
My phone beeps in my pocket. It’s a text from my mom asking if I’m all right. Guess they’re done having sex. I text back that I’m fine and I’ll be home soon.
“I have to go,” I say. “Can we talk more about this tomorrow?”
She nods. “You going to be at work?”
“No, my mom told them I’m not coming back until Monday.”
“Wait—you haven’t been at work all week either?”
I shake my head.
“And I thought I was being all crafty to avoid you.” She laughs. After a second, so do I. It feels pretty freaking phenomenal to laugh with her again.
I put Hope in her car seat and we start back toward Joni’s house. I want to hold her hand, but I don’t dare reach for it. It’s up to her to make the first move.
“Hey, Ryden?” she asks quietly as we walk.
“Yeah?”
“One more thing. I want you to know I’m okay with you having a baby,” she says. “It doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”
Feel, as in present tense. Phew.
“Thanks. You have no idea how good it is to hear that,” I say.
“But…”
Shit. But what?
I stop and wait for her to finish her sentence. She stops too.
“A couple of things. One—you cannot lie to me, about anything, ever again. It’s really not okay.”
I nod. “I know. I won’t. I promise.”
“And two…I can’t be her mother,” she says.
“Joni, I would never expect you to—”
“No, listen,” she says, cutting me off. Her voice is gentle, but I can tell she’s about to say something serious. Again. “Even if the three of us are together a lot, you have to do the feeding and diaper-changing and stuff. It can’t be my responsibility. And I can’t babysit either. I can’t fall into that routine. Because I feel like it would be really hard to get out of the habit, and I may not know what I’m doing after high school, but I know I need a lot more time before I even think about becoming a parent. Does that make sense?”
I nod. “Total sense.”
“You can’t rely on me like you relied on Alan. When I’m around, it’s because you want to be with me, not because you need help with Hope. Okay?”
“Okay. Yes, got it.”
She exhales. “Good. Now let’s go steal some ashes.”
Chapter 36
“I’ll do it,” Mabel says without hesitation.
I pull the phone from my ear and stare at it. Has everyone in the world gone nuts? You’d think this sort of thing would require a fair amount of coercion. Apparently not. “You will?”
“It’s what Meg would have wanted. Plus, I doubt my parents will even notice—they’re off in la-la land pretty much twenty-four seven these days.”
“That was a lot easier than I thought it’d be.”
“When does this whole thing go down?” Mabel asks.
“I was thinking next weekend? Sunday?”
“Sounds good. Did you tell Alan about it yet?”
“Not yet. I figured I’d ask you about the ashes first.”
“Admit it: you’re scared to call him,” she says.
Oh Jesus. “What do you know about it?”
“He told me what happened—we talk, you know. Though if I didn’t hear it from him, I would have heard about it from someone. You didn’t exactly choose the most private place for your mental breakdown.”
“It wasn’t a mental—” Oh, hell. “Are people at school talking about it?”
“Um, yeah. I mean, everyone knows you’re dealing with a lot so no one’s, like, making fun of you or anything. You could probably drive a bus full of nuns into the lake and still be Mr. Popularity. But the Shoshanna/Dave gossip is delicious. Of course people are talking about it.”
I sigh. “So you think Alan’s gonna forgive me long enough to come to the memorial? We can’t really do it without him.”
“Guess you won’t know until you try.”
“Yeah.”
There’s a brief silence. “He told me about Joni.”
I chew on the inside of my bottom lip. “He did?”
“Yeah.”
“So, um, what do you think?”
“It’s not any of my business…”