Declan starts clearing the table as Mom sets out the pie he brought. Even in these simple, basic actions, you can see how happy they are.
He knows everything, and he still loves her. I don’t know much about his story, apart from the fact that he has a daughter, but I bet he’s told her all about his shit too, whatever it is, and she still loves him. It’s so much easier when there’re no secrets. When you’re with the right person, at least.
Which makes me think of Joni again.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial her number. It goes straight to voice mail.
I wish she were here with us. I wish she would look at me again the way Declan looks at my mom.
I miss her. And it’s not about the sex, and it’s not about pretending my life is different than it is. That didn’t really work anyway. It’s about her.
It’s her stupid jokes and weird, made-up games and her bag full of candy and her wacky outfits and how she meets people wherever she goes. It’s the way she’s always blowing her hair out of her eyes instead of pushing it back with her hand or securing it with a clip. It’s how she skips instead of runs, and how she’s so badass in so many ways, with the tattoos and whatnot, but also into ridiculously girly things like romance novels and unicorns.
I miss her magic room. I miss her magic, period.
For the first time, I see it: my and Joni’s relationship has absolutely nothing to do with Meg. Joni isn’t a means of escape. She’s her own destination—someone to go to, not to use as a means to get away.
And I completely blew it.
“Mom,” I say, my voice coming out in more of a whisper than I thought it would.
She’s pulled her chair close to Declan’s, and she’s feeding him spoonfuls of pie and ice cream. “Yeah, bud?”
“I need to go out for a little while.”
Her forehead wrinkles. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just…need to do something.”
“Do you want us to watch Hope?” she asks.
“Nah, I’ll take her with me.” Mom looks surprised but doesn’t comment. “You two look like you need some alone time anyway.” I give her a raised eyebrow.
Mom and Declan laugh. Huh, funny how they didn’t disagree.
“I’ll text you when I’m on my way home. Don’t want to walk in on anything unsavory…”
“Oh, shut up, Ry,” Mom says, still laughing. “Have fun.”
“Uh, yeah, you too, I guess.”
I grab Hope and all her stuff and practically run to the Sable, my plan taking shape with every step forward. Every step closer to Joni.
Chapter 34
Elijah’s in the garage, as always, working on a painting I haven’t seen before. It’s a series of faces that look like they’re melting. Normally I would ask him what that’s about, but I don’t have time for that right now.
“Hey, Elijah,” I say. “Is Joni home?”
He’s clearly surprised to see me. His eyes zero in on Hope, who’s in her car seat, sound asleep from the ride. “She’s really pissed at you, dude,” he says, still staring at the baby.
“I know. Just tell me, is she here?”
He nods. “She’s in her room. She hasn’t really left there all week, except to go to school. I don’t even think she’s been going to work. Probably trying to avoid your lying ass.”
I’m already on my way toward the front door. “Thanks,” I call back.
I ring the bell, and a middle-aged woman comes to the door. Joni’s stepmother. Her skin is the same shade as Elijah’s, but her hair, which is cropped close to her scalp, isn’t quite as light. She’s wearing a sweatshirt with a picture of a golden retriever puppy on it. “Can I help you?” she asks.
“I’m here to see Joni. Um, please. My name is Ryden Brooks.”
“Oh, yes. Ryden Brooks. We know allll about you.” She doesn’t look very happy with me.
“I’ve tried calling, but she won’t answer her phone. I really need to talk to her. Explain everything. Apologize,” I say.
She stares me down a while longer, arms crossed, considering. A few times, her eyes flicker toward Hope.
“Please,” I say again. “Just give me a chance.”
Finally she drops her arms to her sides. “Wait here.” She closes the door in my face.
I stand there for a few minutes, but she doesn’t come back. So I sit on the porch steps, facing the front lawn. It’s a huge expanse of green. The flowers that lined the walkway the first time I was here are mostly dead now. Stupid fall.
About fifteen minutes later, Joni’s stepmom returns. “She doesn’t want to see you.”
I shake my head. “I’m not leaving until she at least tells me that herself.” I’ll sit here as long as I have to. Really, where else do I have to be?
She sighs and disappears again.
A few minutes later, I hear Joni’s voice. “What do you want?”
I stand up and turn to face her. She’s on the other side of the screen, wearing the simplest outfit I’ve ever seen her in: baggy jeans and a gray hoodie. She’s not wearing her nose ring. She gasps when she sees Hope sleeping in her car seat by my feet. Her eyes get a little watery.