Wanting What She Can't Have

Fourteen


Alexis was in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea when she heard the front door open and close. Raoul was back. Her heart jumped in her chest and she wondered what he would say or do next. Since her consultation with the obstetrician they’d barely said more than two sentences to one another at a time.

She had yet to tell him everything about her examination—but she had good reasons for holding back. Raoul had withdrawn from her, wholly and completely. It wasn’t just that she now slept alone back in the master suite, it was apparent in every way he interacted with her—or didn’t interact, which was more to the point.

This pregnancy was a major step in her life, one she was willing to take on alone if necessary, and especially if she couldn’t be certain that she had the wholehearted and loving support of a man at her side. Raoul, to be precise.

His heavy footsteps sounded in the hall and she felt the usual prickle of awareness between her shoulder blades that warned her he’d come into the kitchen and was staring at her. Slowly, she faced him.

“I’m going for a shower. Are you okay? Should you be up?”

He sounded like the Raoul Benoit she’d fallen in love with, yet different at the same time. She looked at his face, met the flat emptiness that now dwelled in his eyes. Her heart sank. Any hope she’d had of possibly turning him around on this situation between them sank right along with it.

“I’ll be all right. As I’ve already told you, I’m just not supposed to do anything too strenuous. That’s all.”

He nodded. “Don’t go lifting Ruby from her crib,” he reminded her for the umpteenth time since Monday’s race to the clinic. “I’ll get her up when she wakes.”

With that, he left her. He did that a lot lately. Made sure he was home around the times that Ruby went down for her sleeps and was back in time for when she roused. On the rare occasions he wasn’t, she’d seen the censure in his eyes afterward when he returned to find she’d been lifting and carrying the baby, but she knew exactly what she was and wasn’t capable of. Caring for Ruby was high on her to-do list, with all it entailed.

Behind her, the kettle switched itself off, the water boiled and ready to pour onto her tea bag, but still she didn’t move. So, this was how it was going to be between them now. A cold politeness that ignored everything except the medical concerns involved in what was happening inside her body, the life they’d created together?

Part of her wanted to march on down the hallway behind him, to confront him, to force him to talk to her. Force him to acknowledge her and what they’d shared before he’d found out about her pregnancy—to find out if there had ever been more between them than just the convenient release of no-strings-attached sex. But that look in his eyes just now, it had chilled her. It had told her far more than words could ever say.

What they’d had, as little as it was—everything they’d shared when they’d shared each other—was over. Gone. Except for getting Ruby out of bed in the morning and putting her down for her sleeps, Raoul stayed well out of the way. The stresses and joys of pregnancy were entirely her own, with no one but herself to marvel over the life growing inside her—or worry over possible problems.

To her huge relief, all the signs of the threatened miscarriage had eased off, just as Dr. Taylor had said they should. Further, slightly obsessive reading on the subject told Alexis that a high percentage of women experienced what she had in their first trimester. Trying to convince herself what she’d been through was normal was easier said than done.

She felt fragile, adrift, and the massive chasm that had opened up between her and Raoul prevented her having anyone to share her fears with. This wasn’t news she was ready to spring on her own family just yet—not when she still hoped against hope for Raoul’s support, even for his love. Still, at least she had a visit from Catherine to look forward to today. When the older woman arrived, though, she clearly knew something was up.

As the two of them watched Ruby playing in the family room Catherine broached what was clearly bothering her.

“Alexis, did you know that Raoul has asked me to look for a new nanny for Ruby until I’m able to take her back full-time again?”

If the other woman had slapped her, Alexis couldn’t have been more shocked.

“He wants me to leave?”

“He didn’t say as much—well, not in as many words—but he requested that I make it clear in the advertising that it’s a live-in position.”

Alexis’s head reeled. “He hasn’t said anything to me. Not at all.”

Catherine fidgeted in her chair. The corners of her mouth pulled into a small frown.

“He told me you were pregnant. Is it true?”

“Yes, it’s true.”

“How far along are you?”

“Nearly nine weeks now,” Alexis answered with a small sigh.

“And you’re okay?”

“Did he tell you about Monday? About taking me down to the clinic? And then to the obstetrician when we left Ruby with you on Wednesday morning?”

“No, but I guessed something had happened. He acted different again. Like he did after Bree died.”

Catherine got up from her chair and joined Alexis on the couch. She put a comforting arm around her shoulders.

“Tell me,” she commanded gently.

So Alexis did. She pushed aside her fears about how Catherine would react to what she had to say—after all, hadn’t Alexis just been sleeping with Catherine’s dead daughter’s husband? It was a relief to off-load to someone, especially someone who had known her as long as Catherine had, someone who had been as much of a mother figure as her own had been. Catherine just listened, her arm tightening around Alexis from time to time, lending her more comfort, more silent strength. When Alexis finished she realized her cheeks were wet. Catherine pressed a freshly laundered handkerchief into her hands.

“You poor dear,” she said after Alexis had blown her nose and wiped her tears away. “You love him, don’t you?”

Alexis nodded, then gathered the threads of her fraying thoughts together. “You—you’re not mad at me?”

“Why would I be?” Catherine asked in astonishment.

“Because of Bree. Because it hasn’t even been a year and here I was throwing myself at him.”

Catherine laughed. “Oh, my dear girl. You? Throw yourself at Raoul? Hardly. Besides, he’s not the kind of man a woman throws herself at without expecting to slide straight off that granite exterior of his.” She patted Alexis on the leg. “Look, I love my son-in-law dearly and I know that he and Bree were ecstatically happy together when they weren’t at complete loggerheads. We’ve all suffered for her loss. But I’m a realist. She is gone. As hard as that has been to bear we’ve all had to go on with living. Raoul...well, he’s just been existing. When you came, something sparked to life in him again. You gave him something to fight against.”

“Fight against? I don’t understand.”

“He’d shut himself down, put his feelings where no one could touch them. Not even Ruby. I still remember seeing him standing in the neonatal intensive-care unit, staring at her in her incubator. No emotion on his face, not even a flicker. I knew then that she would need help—they both would.


“Looking after Ruby helped me come to terms with losing Bree. It would have helped him, too, but with her being sick for that first month of her life, it only served to push him further away.”

“I still can’t understand how he did that,” Alexis said, shaking her head.

She’d seen photos of Ruby in the NICU. They’d raised every protective instinct in her body. She’d wanted to reach right into the pictures and cuddle the precious baby back to health. How could Raoul not have felt the same way about his own daughter?

“He’s a strong man with powerful emotions. Sometimes emotions like that can get to be too much, even for someone like Raoul,” Catherine said. “Bree’s father was like that, too. I’m sure she was drawn to that strength the same way I was with her father. But we had our troubles through the years, just as I know Bree had fights with Raoul, over the way that both men thought being strong meant shutting out anything that might make them vulnerable.”

Ruby had stopped playing and had gotten to her feet and walked over to her grandmother who happily lifted her onto her lap.

“The sad thing is, he doesn’t even realize what he’s been missing out on. Or maybe he didn’t, until you came along.”

“Whatever good I might have done has been destroyed now,” Alexis said ruefully.

“Maybe, maybe not. I think he needs a bit of time to come to terms with things.”

“Well, if, as you say, he’s looking for a new nanny, then my time is definitely running out.”

Catherine gave Ruby a kiss and popped her back on the floor. “Don’t give up, Alexis. If he’s worth fighting for, then you have to fight.”

She left soon after that, promising to call by again the next day. As Alexis and Ruby waved her off at the front door Alexis weighed Catherine’s words in her mind. Could she do it? Could she fight for Raoul? Would he even let her?

* * *

He hated to admit it, but he missed being with Alexis. That said, he’d made up his mind. She had to go.

Obviously that left him with a problem. Catherine wasn’t fit enough yet to take Ruby back on full-time so he had to find someone who would fill in for the short term.

In the meantime, he kept a surreptitious eye on Alexis. Watching like a hawk for telltale signs that she was overdoing things. He hated the thought of her leaving and yet he couldn’t wait for her to be gone—for things to go back to the way they were before she arrived here. He tried to tell himself, over and over, that he’d be able to forget her, to put her from his heart and his mind. He only hoped it was true. He never even let himself think about the child—his child. Their child.

Raoul walked into the house and braced himself. Today he would tell her that she had to go as soon as he’d found a replacement. He wasn’t looking forward to it. He went to his bathroom and turned on the shower, then stripped off his clothes and dived under the hot stinging spray. It had been cold out in the vineyard today where he’d begun cane pruning the vines. The work was slow but methodical and had unfortunately allowed him far too much time to think.

He closed his eyes and dropped his head to take the full brunt of the shower stream, blindly reaching for a bottle of shampoo. The instant he opened it he knew he’d taken the wrong one—his senses immediately filled with that fresh floral scent he always identified with Alexis. His body felt an unwelcome stirring of desire, his flesh growing semihard. He snapped the lid closed and threw the bottle to the bottom of the shower with a clatter.

She was everywhere. In his thoughts, in his dreams, in his bathroom. He finished his shower as quickly as possible. Determined to get facing her and telling her what he’d done over with as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

He could hear her in the kitchen with Ruby as he made his way down the hall and through the house. Could hear the love in her voice as she coaxed the little girl into eating her vegetables. It made something twist inside him, but he forged on.

“Hi,” she said matter-of-factly as he entered the kitchen.

Ruby squealed her delight at seeing him, banging on her tray with a spoon. From the look of her, she’d been attempting to feed herself, and not very successfully if the mush all over her face and hair was anything to go by.

“I need to talk to you tonight. When’s a good time?”

“What? You need to make an appointment to speak with me now?” Alexis’s eyes looked bruised underneath, as if she was sleeping just as poorly as he was himself.

“I’d prefer to have your full attention. It’s important,” he said stiffly.

“If it’s about hiring a new nanny, don’t worry. Catherine already told me yesterday. So, have you found someone?”

She caught him on a back foot. “There have already been a few applicants.”

“That’s good,” she replied, rinsing a muslin cloth at the kitchen sink and then coming over to wipe Ruby’s face and hands before giving her a couple of slices of apple to occupy herself with. “I’ve been thinking, out of fairness to Ruby, it might be best if we have a two-week transitional period with both me and the new nanny here.”

“You do?”

“It makes sense, don’t you think? It wouldn’t be good for the new nanny or Ruby if my leaving disrupted her too much. She’s more aware of strangers now than she was when I arrived, less open to trust them.”

“Right.”

“Ruby’s going to need you more, too.”

“More?” God, he needed to stop with the monosyllabic replies.

“Of course, you’ll be her touchstone. Her constant. She needs stability.”

“She’s going back to Catherine’s soon.”

“Yes, I know. Catherine said. Are you seriously going to do that? Send her back to her grandmother?”

“Of course. She can’t stay here.”

Alexis looked at him fair and square. “Why not?”

“Because it’s not feasible, that’s why not.”

Saying the words caused a sharp hitch in his breathing. He’d mulled it over time and time again. As much as he was bonding with Ruby every day, he had to take a giant step back. It was the only way to stop the chance of being hurt.

“If she has a nanny, or even a rotation of nannies together with Catherine, I don’t see why you have to turf her out of her home.”

“I...”

The words he was going to say dried on his tongue. He’d been about to refute that it was Ruby’s home but as he looked around him and saw the detritus that she spread about the place every day, he found he couldn’t bring himself to utter the words. Nor could he honestly say he didn’t want her here anymore. Sure, the idea of being solely responsible for her care still scared him witless, but for as long as she had a reliable nanny, or rotation of nannies as Alexis had suggested, then maybe it could work out.

He tried to think of what it would be like not to see her cherubic face each morning or hear her chant “Dad-dad” as she did whenever she saw him. Even the mere thought of it made him feel empty, lost.

“Raoul?” Alexis prompted.

“I’ll think about it. We’ll have to see what the job applicants are like first.”

She gave him a weak smile. “Well, that’s progress, I guess.”

Raoul continued to stand there, feeling at a loose end as she competently moved around the kitchen, putting the finishing touches to their evening meal and tending to Ruby.

“How are you doing...since Monday?” he asked awkwardly.

“Everything’s settled down,” she replied, keeping her back to him, but he saw her face reflected in the kitchen window and noticed how she hesitated over her task.

“When do you see the doctor again?”

“I had an appointment in four weeks’ time but if I’m leaving then I think I’ll see someone when I get home.”

“I’ll pay for your medical expenses, Alexis, and for the...baby, when it comes.”

“I’ll call you if I need help,” she said, her words clipped.

“I mean it. I will stand up to my responsibilities toward him or her.”

She made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a snort. “Except for the ones that really matter, right?”

He felt a flush of humiliation stain his cheeks. “I said it before, Alexis. You ask too much.”

“Do I? When I, Ruby, everyone in your life, basically, is prepared to give you everything in return? Is it too much to ask you to love us, to care?”

His hands clenched into fists at his sides. He felt his short fingernails biting into his palms and he relished the pain. It was the distraction he needed to remind himself not to reach out for her, to drag her to him and to show her exactly how much he felt for her. A fine tremor rippled through him.

“I’ve said what I wanted to say. Don’t wait dinner for me. I’ll eat later.”

* * *

Alexis watched him leave the room. A view she seemed to have a whole lot of lately. She’d been an idiot to think she could win this tug of love with him. It had been destined for failure from the beginning. She deserved more than that, and so did he—so why on earth couldn’t he see that? Why wouldn’t he grab what he was offered with both hands and run with it?


It made her heart ache to think he’d chosen to remove himself from love, that he was so broken that he couldn’t try again. No, it was more that he wouldn’t try again. It was a conscious choice. She just couldn’t understand why anyone would choose loneliness and solitude over love.

Over the next few days she watched as a handful of selected applicants arrived at the house for interviews with Raoul. Each time, he’d ask Alexis to bring Ruby in to the meetings to introduce her to her potential carer. Some introductions had gone okay, some not so much. When Raoul told her at the end of the week that he’d made a suitable appointment and that the woman would be starting the following Monday, Alexis’s heart sank. Her time here now was limited. Soon, she’d have to leave and the very idea just broke her heart.

The only bright light in the darkness was planning Ruby’s first birthday party next week. Catherine had suggested they hold the celebration at the play center since it was already designed to cater to a big group of small children and everyone who she would have been inviting went there anyway.

Raoul, though, was adamant he wouldn’t go.

“No,” he said emphatically when Alexis invited him.

“But it’s Ruby’s birthday,” she implored.

“She won’t know the difference.”

Alexis rolled her eyes. “That’s not the point.”

“It’s also the anniversary of Bree’s death, have you stopped to think about that?”

“Of course I have,” she argued back. It seemed they always ended up arguing these days and it was taking a toll. “But you can’t punish Ruby for that for the rest of her life. Are you going to deny her a celebration every year because you lost Bree that day, too? Can’t you grasp what you have for once, rejoice in it instead of holding on to what you’ve lost?”

“I said no. That’s the end of it.”

It was like talking to a brick wall. He’d distanced himself so effectively she had no idea of how to get through to him anymore.

The following two weeks passed in a blur. The new nanny, Jenny, was wonderfully competent. She’d just returned to the area after working for a family up in Wellington who had a job transfer to overseas. She hadn’t wanted to go with them, preferring to stay in New Zealand, so the position with Ruby was perfect timing for her.

Alexis hadn’t wanted to like the other woman and had, in what she recognized as a ridiculously petty way, resented how easily she’d taken over Ruby’s care and how quickly Ruby seemed to bond with her. Each day Jenny took over more and more of Alexis’s duties, and Catherine, too, agreed the other woman seemed to be working out really well.

With less time with Ruby herself, Alexis had more time to think about nursery preparations for when she got home, and even time to get back to her designs. She’d played a little with some sketches in the past couple of weeks, a few ideas for herself mostly, and her hands itched to see how the ideas would come to life in her preferred range of hand-dyed natural fabrics. She’d never imagined designing a maternity range of clothes before, especially not for the high-end fashion boutiques her work usually showcased in. Now she was getting excited about the idea.

Besides, she reminded herself, she’d need something to distract her once she left. This was going to be one of the hardest things she’d ever had to do. The second hardest was going to be telling her dad about her pregnancy. He’d be disappointed in her, she knew it, but the prospect of new life would help lift him from his grief and give them something they could look forward to together.

Alexis had toyed with the idea of phoning him with the news, or sending him an email, but she knew this was the kind of thing she’d have to tell him face-to-face. At least, she consoled herself, moving back to her father’s home meant that she’d be nearer to Tamsyn, her half sister, and Tamsyn’s husband, Finn, her father’s business partner and the man who’d been like a big brother to her growing up. She could almost begin to tell herself she was looking forward to it.

“Wow, are those your sketches?” Jenny asked as she came into the kitchen where Alexis was working at the table. “You’re good.”

“Thanks. I’m thinking of expanding into maternity wear. These drawings are just ideas for now.”

“So, you’re a designer, not a nanny?”

“Both, really. I trained and worked as a nanny after I finished school. The designing has come in the past few years and I spent most of the previous year, before I came here to help out Raoul, in Europe, traveling and looking for inspiration.”

Help out Raoul. The words sounded so simple, so uncomplicated. Nothing at all like the tangled web of unhappiness and adversity it had turned into.

Jenny picked up one sheet and then another. “So is that why you’re leaving? To get back to your work?”

Alexis looked up as Raoul entered the kitchen and helped himself to a coffee from the carafe on the warmer.

“We’ve imposed on her for long enough,” Raoul said before she could say a word. “It’s time she returned to her own life.”

But this was the life she wanted. This life, with him, with Ruby. She could work from anywhere when it came to her designing, and goodness knew there was plenty of space here for her to establish a workroom. But he didn’t want her, not like that, not as a partner, not as a piece of his heart. And that was where her dreams began and ended.

Clearly sensing the undercurrent that crackled between Raoul and Alexis, Jenny made a vague excuse about checking on some laundry and left, leaving the two of them staring at one another. Expelling a breath of frustration, Alexis gathered up her things and got up from the table.

“So have you warned the new girl off falling for the boss?” she said, determined to provoke Raoul in one way or another.

“Low blow, Alexis.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have insulted her like that. I’m sure Jenny has far more sense. She’s very well trained, and she is good with Ruby.”

“Yes, I think Ruby will be quite safe with her.”

“Safe, Raoul? Safe? Is that all you can think about? What about loved? Don’t you think that’s equally as important in her life? Weren’t you loved as a child, weren’t your parents there for you every step of the way? Of course they were because that’s what real parents are. They’re the people who are always there for you—not the ones who just pass the buck on to someone else.”

“That’s rich, coming from a nanny. Without parents ‘passing the buck’ as you call it, nannies wouldn’t even be needed.”

She groaned, fed up to her back teeth with his bullheadedness. “At least every family I’ve worked for before has openly loved their children. Has included them in their lives when they haven’t been tied to work.”

“Enough!” He made a slashing movement with his hand as if he could just cut her off as effectively as he’d cut off his own feelings. “Stop pushing me, Alexis. Ruby has settled with Jenny, who has proven she’s competent and knows what to do. Catherine is at hand if she needs any advice or help. You can leave today. I’ll pay you through to the end of this month and you will hear from my lawyers regarding support for you and—”

“Today? You want me to leave today? But I still have another week.”

Alexis sat down abruptly in one of the kitchen chairs, feeling as if all the breath had been knocked out of her. She looked at him, taking in his features and committing them to memory. The curl in his brown hair that had begun to grow overlong since she’d been here. The flecks of gold in his hazel eyes. The breadth of his shoulders and the lean strength of his body. All of it so achingly familiar, all of it so completely out of bounds. It was impossible to reconcile the lover who had filled her nights with pleasure with this cold shell of a man who stood before her, seemingly determined to never see her again.

“I don’t need you anymore,” Raoul said.

“And that’s the trouble,” she whispered. “You never did.”