Wanting What She Can't Have

Ten


No strings attached. God should have smote her for that lie. Her agreement had come back to haunt her virtually every day these past couple of weeks. There’d been strings attached to Raoul Benoit from the moment she first laid eyes on him—the very day Bree had excitedly introduced him as her fiancé. That instant attraction, that irresistible tug of physical awareness that happened every single time she saw him, only grew stronger.

He’d kick her out of here faster than she could imagine if he had any idea of how she felt about him. How each day, each hour, each second with him only made her love him more. She stayed with him every night. Falling deep into sleep after they made love, sometimes waking in the small hours to feel him reaching for her to make love all over again.

Last night, after he’d fallen asleep again, she’d committed a cardinal sin. She’d given in, against all her promises to herself to the contrary, and she’d whispered that she loved him. It had been a relief to get it out in the open, even if only for her ears alone.

She shifted her attention back to what she was doing and poured another jug of warm water over Ruby’s head. Ruby squealed and splashed the bathwater vigorously, dragging Alexis’s thoughts firmly into the present and her duties to her little charge. She laughed out loud at the child’s sheer pleasure in bath time.

Strings, yeah, there were strings all right. Not least of which being the one that came from little Ruby and was now securely tied around Alexis’s heart, as well.

It was impossible to refuse either of them anything but falling deeper in love with Raoul was starting to take a toll on her. Still, worrying about it wasn’t going to solve anything. She just had to do what she did every day, and every night, and hope that the strength of her love could mend what was broken at Raoul’s core.


She dragged a warmed towel from the rail and laid it on the floor before lifting a wriggling and squealing toddler from the bathwater. Now that Ruby was more confident walking, it was getting to be more and more of a challenge to keep her immobilized long enough to do simple things like dry her off and dress her. Since the baby had found her feet she’d been on the go all day every day. Of course, without the perception to realize what was risky and what wasn’t, there’d been a few accidents—like the one at the coffee table in the main sitting room last week—which had left a small bruise on Ruby’s ivory forehead.

Raoul had immediately removed the table and Alexis had been surprised when a local furniture maker had delivered a rounded edge oval one in its stead. Even though Raoul tried not to care, it was obvious that he did, in spite of himself.

She patted Ruby dry, blowing raspberries on her tummy to make her giggle as she did so. As she righted herself, though, Alexis was assailed by a wave of dizziness. She put out a hand onto the edge of the bath to anchor herself. Ruby, not wasting a moment, rolled over and onto her knees, then gained her feet and headed straight for the door to the hallway as fast as she could go.

“Oh, no you don’t, young lady!” Alexis called after the rapidly departing naked figure.

She shot to her feet, only to be hit by another dizzying wave. Black spots swam before her eyes and a roaring sound filled her ears. From what seemed like a great distance away, she heard Ruby’s high-pitched squeal of delight. She forced herself to take a step, and then another. Her vision thankfully began to clear.

“I’m coming to get you,” she called as she exited the bathroom just in time to see Raoul sweep the naked wriggling baby into his arms.

“Got a runaway, I see,” he said, walking toward her and handing Ruby to her as soon as she was within distance.

“I just about need to tether her these days,” Alexis said with a smile.

Raoul did a bit of a double take, looking at her more intently than a minute before.

“Are you okay?”

“I think I got up a little too quickly before. It left me a little dizzy but I’m fine now,” she said, brushing off his concern.

“You look quite pale, are you sure you’re all right?”

She nodded, and it was true. She was feeling fine now compared to earlier.

“Of course, I’m great. Really.”

But there was a niggle there in the back of her mind, one she didn’t want to consider right now if she could avoid it.

* * *

Later, after she’d settled Ruby for the night and had picked up the trail of toys that she had left through the house, she was surprised when Raoul sought her out. Usually he kept working in his study up until he was ready to retire for the night, often reading more about wine-making and blending techniques. He rarely joined her in the family room to watch television. But when they went to bed, it was a different story.

Usually, he came to find her wherever she was in the house and then took her by the hand back to his room. She cast a quick glance at the mantel clock above the family room fireplace. It was early, even for him.

“I’ve been thinking. It might be best if you sleep in your own room tonight,” he said.

“Oh? Why?” Sick of me already? She clamped the words firmly behind her lips, not wanting them to possibly be heard in case they might be true.

“You need a decent night’s rest and let’s face it, I haven’t exactly been letting you have one the past couple of weeks, have I?”

Disappointment crowded into her chest.

“It’s okay. You haven’t heard me complaining, have you?”

He gave her a crooked smile. One that made her heart lurch in that crazy way he always managed.

“No, I can’t say I have but I’m worried about you. Get a good night, tonight, hmm? Situation normal again from tomorrow if you’re feeling better.”

He leaned forward and kissed her. Initially, his lips were soft and undemanding but it was only a matter of seconds before their kiss deepened, before his mouth slanted across hers so he could kiss her more thoroughly. Heat snaked along her veins, priming her body in readiness for what usually came next. She looped her arms around his neck and gave back with everything she had in her.

She was so lost in the fog of desire that it came as a shock to realize that his hands had caught her at her wrists and were disentangling her so he could pull away.

“I’m fine, Raoul, honestly.”

“Let me be the judge of that. One night. We can survive that, can’t we? Now go. Get some sleep.”

“Can’t you just sleep next to me? We don’t have to—”

He took a step back. “No, it doesn’t work that way with us. You know that. No strings, remember?”

“Sure, I remember,” she said, forcing a smile of acceptance to her face.

Just sex, she repeated in the back of her mind as she readied for bed. She continued repeating it for the next hour as she lay in the dark, staring at the ceiling, hoping against all hope that he missed having her in his bed just about as much as she missed being there.

The next morning Alexis felt a great deal more rested. Much as she hated to admit it, Raoul had apparently been right about the lack of sleep catching up to her. But then when she got Ruby out of her crib and was changing her diaper, the first wave of nausea hit her.

“Goodness,” she said as she folded and bagged the offending diaper. “We might need to change your diet, young lady.”

The second wave hit when she was preparing Ruby’s breakfast cereal and stewed fruit—and with it came an overwhelming sense of dread. She was no idiot. She knew what her physical symptoms could mean. She hadn’t been fully protected the first time she and Raoul had made love. Even though she’d made that trip to the local pharmacy and gotten the morning-after tablets, she’d been counseled that they were not always 100 percent effective.

“And ain’t that the truth?” she muttered under her breath as she willed her stomach under control.

What had Raoul said, again, when he’d made his suggestion that they be sexual partners? He didn’t want there to be any mistakes—yes, that was right. Well, it certainly looked as if she’d made a big one. But she needed to be sure. She already had plans to head out with Ruby today. Laura had suggested a playdate with little Jason again and Alexis had been looking forward to just having some time out alone in Akaroa, browsing the stores and stopping at one of the cafés for a triple-shot nonfat latte while browsing a tabloid magazine.

The thought of coffee completely turned her stomach. Alexis swallowed against the lump in her throat. Rather than indulging in her favorite vice, she knew exactly what she’d be doing at the local store instead—buying a pregnancy test kit.

* * *

Alexis stared at the indicator window on the stick. This wasn’t how she’d imagined discovering she was going to become a mother—locked in the end cubicle of the public restrooms on the main street. Even though she’d known to the soles of her feet what the result would be, the strong positive that appeared was shockingly candid confirmation she really didn’t need. One part of her was doing a crazy happy dance—shouting for joy that she was pregnant with Raoul’s child. The rest of her quivered with anxiety.

The news that she was expecting his baby, after he’d spelled it out perfectly clearly that pregnancy was an outcome to be avoided at all cost, would not be welcome.

She shoved the stick into its wrapper and back into the box—disposing of everything in the restroom trash can. Numb, she washed and dried her hands and walked outside, where everyone carried along on the pavement with their everyday lives, oblivious to the situation she now found herself in.

Alexis crossed the street to a park bench that sat on a grass berm, facing out to the harbor. Despite the cold day, she felt nothing. Not the sunshine on her face, nor the brisk wind that whipped along the shoreline, coaxing whitecaps on the water.

What on earth was she going to do?

She could only imagine Raoul’s reaction. There was no room in his life, or his heart, for another baby. Hell, he fought against making room for the one he had.

But he was capable of love, Alexis knew that. She’d witnessed it for herself. He’d loved once and he could love again, she just knew it. His marriage to Bree had been happy, she’d seen that to her own cost. Somehow she had to convince him to take a risk on love again.

She understood that grief did strange things to a person—could blow normal emotions right out of proportion. She only had to look at her own family for proof of that.

Alexis’s mother had had a first, unhappy marriage, and when she’d run away from it to marry for love, she’d been forced to leave her children behind. Years later, when her daughter from that marriage sought her out, Alexis’s father had not reacted well. Her mother had been in the hospital by then, physically and mentally frail from the disease racking her body. Fear that seeing her long-lost daughter might upset her to the point of worsening her condition had made Lorenzo go so far as to enlist his business partner to actively steer her half sister, Tamsyn, away from discovering where their mother was. When Ellen Fabrini had died before Tamsyn could even see her again, Alexis had realized that nothing mattered more in this world than family. Nothing.


Maybe that was part of why she was so determined to break through the barriers with Raoul. To force him to learn to love again. To make him see how precious his daughter was—what a truly wonderful tribute she was to a marriage and a love that had sadly ended all too soon.

Unexpected tears sprang in her eyes. She blinked them furiously away. Please don’t let me become one of those overemotional wrecks with this pregnancy, she silently begged. The last thing she needed was an exceptional change in her behavior that might tip Raoul off before she was ready to tell him her news.

An alarm on her phone chimed from the side pocket of her handbag, reminding her it was time to collect Ruby. She was no nearer to knowing what she needed to do about the baby she carried. Logically, there were steps to be taken. She needed to make an appointment with a local doctor, get her results confirmed, get checked out, etc. But, as to the rest—telling Raoul? She had no idea where to begin and, as much as it rankled to deliberately withhold the truth from him, she felt she had no other option right now. No other option at all.

She thought about the test kit in the restroom trash. Those things had a degree of inaccuracy, surely. She’d wait until she had official confirmation from the doctor. Then she’d decide what to do. Until then, everything would remain as it had been before.