chapter 10
It was after midnight when we all scattered off to our separate dwellings.
Ben shouted down to us from a loading covered in cables and hanging wires, “Don’t you kids get lost now.”
Charlie shook his head, completely exasperated. From down the hall I heard Reid laughing.
“It’s too nice to be inside, too early,” I declared. I was so excited I could feel the rush of the night cooling in my bloodstream.
“Let’s go do something,” I teased Charlie as he walked me back, threading his arm with mine and pulling on his elbow. He already had a cigarette in his mouth and was reaching for a lighter, patting his pockets. Every few seconds I would try to bat the cigarette from his mouth, but he clenched it with his teeth and swiped at me.
He mumbled through the stick, “Like what? There ain’t exactly a drive-in ‘round here.”
I took him by the elbow and dragged him up a stairwell I recognized led to Deck B. “Ha, ha, very funny. Come on!”
He feigned annoyance but was all smiles as I tugged him along. “You’re outta control.”
I stopped momentarily and smiled back at him—I could barely see through the shroud that was my hair. “I know. Isn’t it fantastic?”
Other than bright flood lights at the ends of each deck station, there was very little light on the deck itself. And for those first few seconds until my eyes adjusted, I could barely see my own shadow. Charlie hadn’t been lying about it being one of the busier times of the day—there were more people in their life vests and safety helmets wandering about than I had seen so far. Several individuals were working with large wrenches on a piece of machinery that I couldn’t have named if my life depended on it; others were loading barrels into a crate, while some were stringing cable. It was really quite eerie the way they had that ability to ignore me.
Reading me, Charlie said, “It’s a good thing, trust me.”
“I do.” My eyes searched his, but I saw some sadness there I didn’t care for. It made my own heart twinge with hurt to think of him in pain, so I smiled and tried to change the subject.
“What is this called?” I gestured to the back of the ship. Without the Internet or a library, I was going to have to do research the old-fashioned way.
Charlie smiled and smacked himself in the head. “You ain’t never been boating, have you?”
“Only in books.”
His smile grew wider and he turned me around, wrapping his arms around my torso and resting his chin on top of my head. From an alternative perspective I thought we must have looked like a totem pole.
He reached his hand out and touched the side of the ship’s back. “This is the keel. The—”
I reached out and ran my fingertips over his, making him stumble incoherently. So it would seem that he was allowed to touch me but I wasn’t allowed to touch him? I would have to test this hypothesis further.
After a brief interval he cleared his throat. “The body of the ship is the hull. The keel is designed ‘round it.”
I leaned back and rested the weight of my head against him. I felt him swallow and his heartbeat increased. His breathing became shallow. “What about the port and bow and all of that good stuff?” I was testing the limits, putting his temperament and my good sense at risk. What if he didn’t want to take that chance with me? What if he didn’t want me?
“Ah, um, port is facin’ forward centerline; anything to your left is port. And then bow is just the ah…front of the ship.”
He closed his eyes and sighed so deeply I felt his stomach clench against me. As he exhaled I could smell the clove and musk of him. I suspected it might set me off, cause me to do something stupid. I buried my face in the soft stubble of his neck, nuzzling the warmth and solace there.
“Addie?” His fingers danced on mine, in my hair, the edge of my face.
“Yes?”
“W-would you be real mad at me if I tried to kiss you right now?”
I smiled and looked up at him, every one of my senses buzzing. “I would be madder if you didn’t.”
He wrapped one hand in my hair and the other around my hip to pull me close. And in one of those instances that last eternities and only immortals are aware of, our lips anchored on the shores of each other.
We separated only when the need for air became unbearable. Even then, I clutched onto him as though he were the center of the universe and rested my forehead against his for leverage—my entire world was spinning.
He sighed in my ear. “Oh, what ’ave you done to me?”
For the first time in my life I didn’t have the proper answer. This wasn’t something I could study for, a formula I could memorize, or a textbook I could refer to. Instead, all of my reason and facts were failing me, and the blossom of an emotional experience was taking hold. I laughed to myself, maybe I was in more trouble now than ever.
Charlie smiled against me. “What’s so funny?”
I pulled away, despite everything my body was telling me. It was good to know there was still a little self-control remaining after all.
“Here I was only coming out here hoping to see some constellations.”
I heard Charlie snicker. “I ain’t seen nothin’ but stars since you got here.”
My neck craned upwards at the glimmering specks of fire in the sky. I imagined that was how the tiniest pearls at the bottom of the sea would sparkle. Individually, each was only a singular star that glossed over the night sky—but when looked at together, they reminded us of how insignificant and small our planet really was. I tried to trace the outline of a familiar shape with my finger and recognize an image there, but Charlie was trailing his hand up and down my forearm, making it extremely difficult to concentrate.
“Is that one somethin’?” he asked without looking up.
I laughed a little and pushed his arm away. “It’s hard to tell. We don’t exactly have stars like this in New Jersey.”
He pulled me back instantly; I knew I wouldn’t have the strength to resist again. “Tell me ‘bout it. I hardly saw nothing like this before I came out here, either.”
His comment had me thinking again and before I had the sense to stop myself, I starting blurting out questions.
“Hey, Charlie?”
He had buried himself in the crook of my neck and seemed content to stay there. “Hmm?”
“How did you get here? How did you end up becoming a thief?”
I could tell it was the wrong thing to ask. He released me and his arms moved as far away as they could get while I still tried to cling to them.
“I’m sorry if—”
“That was a long while ’go. It don’t matter now.” The gruffness in his tone scared me. Not because it was violent, but because it sounded as though he was turning away from me.
Desperate and in a gesture of good will, I ran my fingers through his hair and messed it about his face. “Doesn’t a girl have the right to ask a question every now and then? Maybe I’ll be a journalist when I grow up.”
He leaned into me and smiled. “You are a serious pain, Addie Battes.”
I leaned forward just enough so that my lips touched his ear. I felt him quiver at the slow, deliberate movement, and it felt like his chest tightened. Just when the action became too much for us both, I shouted into his ear. “Takes one to know one!”
I snorted with laughter at his reaction. He began ringing out his ear with one of his fingers like he had just been swimming and tilted his head like a dog after a fireworks show.
“I’m real glad you think that was funny.” He feigned annoyance, but I could hear the smile in his voice, and after a second he pulled me back to him. We were two clumsy dancers, stumbling over each other and our laughter.
“What I think is funny is how I smell like something out of a cigar club. I feel like I’m in desperate need of a shower.”
He paused. “You ain’t going alone.”
“I can handle myself.”
Charlie gave me a Charlie smile and sighed. “While I bought some safety, I ‘bout trust a sailor on this ship as much as I trust myself.”
“I consider that an endorsement, Charlie Hays.”
“I don’t.” He frowned.
I laughed nervously and hoped he wouldn’t catch on to how embarrassed I was. “Well, you’re not coming in there with me.”
Correcting his posture, he stood straight and tall then held out his hand as if taking an oath. “I’ll be my usual gentlemanly self. I swear.”
I put my weight against my hip and considered his proposition. Of course, I still trusted him to be watchful and respectful at the same time, but could I trust myself? I was no longer taking the time to consider whether or not I was attracted to Charlie. The pull I felt toward him was an overwhelming urge that coursed throughout my whole being. And I was now afraid of what being alone with him might mean in terms of my ability to control myself. I had never been physically tempted before and I found it downright frightening.
But Charlie was looking out for me—he had since the moment ’we’d met, and I would see to it I didn’t do anything we would regret.
I took his hand. “I would expect nothing less.”
The silence ebbed into a steady stream of things left unsaid, things that remained to be said, and what was meant to come. After some time, he took my hand in his and curled his thumb around the index finger, pointing them out to the sea.
“See the foam at the end of the waves? Feel how warm the air just got? It’ll storm tomorrow for sure. Probably for days…”
Charlie lent me a faded gray t-shirt and some blue gym shorts, which, in truth, I was just as excited about as the shower itself. And while I had to roll up the shorts at the waist a few times just to get them to stay up, they were immensely comfortable. I adored the Charlie smell they had, and spent a few minutes before getting under the water trying to commit the scent to memory.
I spent a lot of time washing my hair and doing the little things like scratching the grit out from under my nails. Showering always gave me a lengthy excuse and a private realm in which to think, and I was in desperate need of some serious meditation.
I tried to picture what would happen when we got to Singapore. If the ship arrived on schedule, I would have to go to the embassy and talk to the police. But that was if Charlie kept his word this time. And as I wondered before—what if he didn’t? What if he didn’t let me go?
Yet even if Charlie wanted me on some kind of regular basis, I couldn’t just leave my family and disappear off the face of the earth. As much as I wanted it, the lack of responsibility in running away with Charlie was beyond me…even if he asked. I giggled at the memory of our kiss. He had held me so zealously; it had to be more than just the physical attraction between us.
The highlights of my life seemed duller to me now. I didn’t care if my books were alphabetized or my grade point average was a 4.0. As I massaged the soap from my hair, I laughed as I realized how very little it all really mattered. Yes, I had been abducted, threatened, and even assaulted, but I had also fallen in love. It sounded so brutal by comparison to my feelings for Charlie, and yet if this was Stockholm Syndrome, then I decided that everyone should have it at least once if it made them as happy as it was making me.
Charlie had said repeatedly that he wasn’t a good person, and it was true that I couldn’t condone some of the things he had done. Still, his remorse had to count for something, right? While he could never make up for the things he had done, he couldn’t fool me, either. I had seen him in those moments with his friends, his dedication to his art, and that compassion for me that led to my feelings for him. If I could understand that he was so much more than a thief, then why couldn’t he?
In the cabin I pretended to be annoyed and covered my flaming cheeks with my cold, wet hair. It was a minimal but welcome relief against the heat of the blush. I crossed my legs over each other and sat down on the bed while Charlie continued to stare me down and sketch. The day’s activities had hit me and I was overwhelmed by my own tiredness; my body feeling the weight of it all. Charlie smiled at my yawn and sat down next to me.
“I should let you sleep.”
“No!” I hadn’t meant to sound so desperate, but I pulled him by the arm before he had the chance to get up and leave. I wanted to soak up every moment with him I could, integrate him into my bloodstream. There was a wave of separation anxiety dropping into me at the mere thought of him leaving. My organs felt as though they would shrivel when it happened; I would simply die.
“Will you stay?” I pleaded. His eyebrows nearly hit the ceiling and a grin spread across his face at the suggestion. “Just until I fall asleep?”
He nodded and kicked off his boots, taking his time to lie out on the bed with his back against the wall.
“Here you go gettin’ a guy’s hopes up…”
I hit him lightly in the chest and lay out next to him. Since the bed was only a twin, we were basically on top of each other, on our sides so we could face one another. We shared the only pillow, but neither of us complained. I reached out and played my fingers over the serpent on his neck as though it were a keyboard—it was becoming increasing difficult not to imagine playing other parts of his body.
Charlie must have felt it too because he clasped my hand in his to prevent it from going any further.
“Th-that probably ain’t such a good idea.”
I was hurt by the instant rejection. The horrible idea came to my mind that maybe I had been completely wrong about his reaction toward me. Maybe he had only been showing me kindness out of the goodness of his heart, a way of keeping things civil between us. And could our kiss have been a moment of pity?
“I’m sorry if I’m being a nuisance.”
He scoffed, propped himself up on his elbow, and looked me over. “Can I tell you something?”
I was almost afraid to hear the answer. “I guess.”
“That blush of yours is ‘bout the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
I groaned into the pillow while he laughed. “No! Come on, I was covering it so well!”
He gushed with laughter. “If you say so.”
We laughed together until he pulled me forward by the chin, our faces only inches apart.
“You gotta be the greatest thing I ever stole.”
Once more our lips collided and sent me gliding across the surf. It started out simple and tender, but the current took us both within a matter of seconds and we became like two desperate swimmers, reaching out for more.
Abruptly he pulled, almost shoved, me away. “Stop.” He was breathless and flushed, barely able to get the word out.
I closed my eyes to keep the room from spinning. “Why?”
“‘Cause I’m a real bad man, but I can’t do that, Addie.”
The confusion was beginning to beat me down. “What do you mean?”
“I’ve done a lot of bad things in my day. But if we do this…if I took that away from you, I’d roast in hell for sure. You’re too good to be here with me, Addie. You gotta get yourself somethin’ a lot better than me—”
I put my finger over his lips to silence him. “Being here with you has been the greatest moment of my life. There is nothing better than this.”
Pulling me as close as our two bodies could be, Charlie rested his mouth against my ear and laughed when I shivered against him.
“I wish I could keep you.”
I slept the deep, dreamless sleep of lovers who carry no worries—waking only occasionally to remind myself that Charlie was still with me, and to snuggle up more closely against him. As we drifted off into a world of sleep and stars, I felt his arms reaffirming their hold on me with a gentle tug. At some point during our unconsciousness, our legs entangled and snaked around each other as if the natural need to be together grew to be too much for them.
The sound of his soft snoring in my ear soothed me in a trance of my own. I could hardly picture doing this with anyone else during my lifetime. What had Charlie intended when he said I should get something better? Now I was confident that he wanted me as much as I wanted him, but there was still something holding him back, keeping his happiness at bay, and I would be damned if I didn’t discover its origins and obliterate it completely.