I work with shaky fingers to free him from his pants. The slacks and boxer briefs fall to the floor and Zander steps out of them, pushing me back onto the bed. He hovers above me, his eyes tender and kind. Loving and intense. Scared and insecure. My sweet black sheep. I cup his face in my hands and pull him down to me. A gravelly groan escapes him and he devotes all of himself to this moment. His lips kiss mine passionately, his tongue slipping in and out of my mouth, brushing against mine. He hooks his fingers behind my knee and gently pulls it up, allowing his hips to settle deep between my thighs.
“Zander,” I whisper his name just to hear it.
“I’m right here, baby,” he murmurs back between warm, wet kisses on my neck.
The wide tip of his erection bumps against my slick center. I squirm beneath him, begging for him to fill me. Zander grips his rigid length and positions himself at the opening to my ready body. His dark blue eyes watch me carefully as I take in every inch of him. He slowly buries himself deeper and deeper until my flesh is fully sheathing his erection. My body accepts all of him almost greedily, my muscles clenching and tightening around him on their own. Zander leans down, caging me with his body. I run my fingers lightly over the scar on his chest, feeling so painfully relieved that he got Jake’s heart. My first love’s heart saved my future love’s life. I can’t feel much of anything right now except relief that Zander is here with me. The methods by which he got his transplant don’t matter to me. What matters is that Alexander McBride is with me right here, right now.
He withdraws and slowly pushes back into me. Tears fill my eyes, but Zander catches each of them with the pad of his thumb. He wipes them away and takes his time making love to me.
Making love.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The Way Back
Sadie
April 27, 2013
The sun has barely risen. It’s just above the horizon, sending shades of orange and pink out across the sky. I glance back at Zander and choke down my soft crying.
We made love last night and talked. Everything he told me has forced me to make a decision, to pick a heart to break. I pick mine. I’ll break my heart. I’ll shatter it into a million pieces if that’s what it takes. I’ll do it for Zander. I’ll do it for me too.
The emotion we shared last night was so different. Zander made love to me. He worshipped every inch of my body. He looked at me with such reverie it made my chest ache and tears swim in my eyes. Without saying a word, he said so much. I don’t want to lose him to a past that has already taken so much and I know that if I don’t do the right thing, the hard thing, he’s as good as gone, just in a different way than Jake.
My mother is right. I have to close a door before I open another. It’s time to close Jake’s door.
My note is quick and to the point.
Zander,
I think we both know what I have to do. Give me time. Give me room. I’ll find my way back.
-Sadie
I quietly gather up my things and take a deep breath, deciding not to look back at the peaceful looking black sheep in the bed sleeping.
It’s a Saturday morning and plenty of people are starting to mill around in the hotel lobby, getting their complimentary coffee and starting their day. I think if the situation was any different, I may actually give a damn that I’m clearly making the walk of shame with smudged makeup, tangled hair, and a slightly wrinkled coral sundress. I can’t find the emotion to care if I wanted to. Tears silently slip down my face as I pull out my phone and text Mom.
I need you. Come over?
-Sadie
I send the text and hold my hand up, motioning to the doorman for a cab. I slip into the back seat with my bag and prepare myself for heartbreak.
“803 Chestnut Lane,” I mumble to the cab driver.
My phone chimes with an incoming text from Mom.
On my way.
***
I’ve been home for less than half an hour. I turned my phone off as soon as I got home because I knew Zander would try calling when he found my note. I’ve cried and tried my best to explain everything to Mom, knowing that she’ll listen and give advice. She’ll hug. She’ll push, squeeze, and corner me in the right direction. I’ve opened Pandora’s Box and there’s no shutting it now. There’s no stopping it. There’s no slowing it down.
“Oh, baby girl,” Mom coos gently with her eyebrows furrowed.
The doorbell rings and my heart sinks. I know who it is. Zander. I look to Mom for help.
“I can’t do that for you, baby girl. You tell that man what’s in your heart.”
The bell rings again and I wipe my face with the wad of tissue in my hand as I head to the door to face my black sheep.
I open the door and lean against the frame, feeling like I may be too weak to do this. Seeing a disheveled Zander on my porch in a white t-shirt and jeans makes my heart clench. He runs his hands through his hair and holds up my note.
“What the fuck is this?” he whispers, clearly hurt and confused.