Zander sighs, exasperated.
“What do you want from me?” I snap through my tears and recoil away from him, gaining a foot of distance.
Zander winces at my response and purses his lips together. “I’m asking you to brave here, Sadie,” he finally answers in a whispered plea.
“I don’t know if I can. I’m trying. I just don’t know if I can do what you want me to do.”
Zander groans and scrubs his angular jaw again in frustration. “Then what do you want? Do you want me to act like some monster so you can walk away? Do you want me to be some asshole so you can run away from me without even looking back? Without regret? Do you want me to end this so you won’t have to come up with the courage to let it happen?” He thrusts his arms out to the side and holds them there like he’s waiting for me to answer him.
I can’t respond. I can’t even form words. I’m standing here like scared little girl, shaking and wishing I knew what to say. He’s right. He’s so right. I’m pathetic.
“If that’s what you want from me, you can fucking forget about it!” he snaps as he turns away again and paces to the window and back.
I standing here waiting for something to break, for something to give, for a fucking light bulb moment that will clarify all of this for us.
“I won’t make this easy for you,” he says, his voice hoarse with conviction. “I won’t let you take the easiest, quickest route out of my life all because you’re too damn scared to let this happen. Dammit, Sadie! I’m the one that isn’t worth a damn, but I’m willing to risk heartbreak just to try it with you.” Zander turns on his heels and runs his hands through his hair, facing the panoramic view of the city.
“I’m—I-I can’t do this,” I sputter. “I just can’t. I tried. I thought maybe I could let myself see where things would go, but I can’t. This is all so fucked up. I love Jake. I still love him so much and the guilt—”
“Jake is dead, Sadie!” Zander yells loudly, cutting me off.
How dare he talk to me like that?
“I know!” I shout, fighting hard against the growing lump in my throat. “I fucking know that! Okay? He’s gone and he’s never coming back to me!”
“Come on, Sadie. You’re breaking my heart here. Please just stop and think about this,” Zander urges softly.
“Your heart, huh?” I sneer, laughing condescendingly at the mention of his heart. I’m so sick of thinking, dreaming, and remembering that heart! I’m ready to pull my goddamned hair out. Maybe I’m having some sort of breakdown. I just can’t do this shit anymore. Something has got to give here and I think my sanity is first in line.
“Why are you so determined to fight this?” he questions, looking back at me from his place by the window.
I don’t acknowledge his question. Not that I could respond if I wanted to, because he’s just asked me the same exact question I’ve been asking myself for who knows how long. The time that I’ve spent with Zander has seemed to stall, fast forward, and rewind, leaving me constantly disoriented. It began with an email. I sent a simple, to the point email and the intrigue began as soon as he emailed me back with a short, to the point email of his own. He didn’t apologize profusely. He didn’t use kid gloves with me. He made me feel normal and a little less lonely. Meeting him in person on the beach only planted the hook. He was handsome and brooding but clearly alone like me. Coming together with Zander was the most effortless thing I’ve ever done.
I wish I could rid myself of guilt and love and all the other feelings that surround my life with Jake, and without Jake, but I can’t. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe it’s both. Maybe my frustration over everything has nothing at all to do with Zander. Maybe it’s because I want him so damn much. Maybe it’s because I miss Jake, or maybe it’s that I don’t miss Jake nearly as much when I’m with Zander. Maybe it’s the damned guilt I feel for knowing that Zander soothes my heart and soul in a way that’s just as addictive as any street drug. Maybe it’s the guilt that I feel for wanting more of him. All of him.
“You want to know what I think?” he says, interrupting my analyzing.