Both of his hands cup my face. With one last attentive look in my eyes, he leans in and brings my face to his. His mouth covers mine and everything else fades into nothingness. I can’t hear the ocean. I can’t smell the salt in the air. My senses are permeated with Zander. Whatever shadows of guilt I had before, they’re gone now. His lips coax and tease at mine, causing me to moan against his mouth. He alternates rapid fire little kisses with long, lingering kisses that leave my lips tender and swollen.
“Sadie,” he says my name like a vow and I melt a little more. His teeth nip at my bottom lip, winning a moan from me. God, he feels amazing. One light peck. Two. Three. His hips thrust forward, earning another moan, but it comes out needy and pleading.
It startles me.
I break away, panting to catch my breath and gather my bearings. “I—Zander, I can’t go any farther…” I trail off, not knowing how the hell to tell him that the hugging, even the kissing, is one thing, but the prospect of sex is an entirely different situation. I can’t do that. I swore. I swore to Jake and to myself that he would always be my one and only. Sex with Zander would ruin that and leave me resentful of him and myself for giving in to temptation like a teenager.
I watch as Zander runs his hands through his hair. He’s upset. I can’t blame him either. “It’s okay, Sadie. I would never do anything that you didn’t want.”
“I do—I do want you, but I can’t,” I admit sheepishly, hanging my head and worrying my laced fingers. He looks back up at me with a wry smile.
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it, okay?”
“Okay.”
I close my eyes for a second, fighting off the guilt that I know will come crashing down on me when I’m back in my room later. I’ll ignore that guilt just for now. “Zander, I should go. Um, I have to go,” I say, nervously looking around for my abandoned flats.
“What? Wait.” Zander’s handsome face looks like he’s lost in confusion and I feel even guiltier. “What’s wrong?”
“No. Nothing’s wrong. I just have to go. I—I have to go,” I say with growing panic in my voice. I can’t believe I was just so close to him. So intimate with him.
What have I done?
“Um, okay,” he says, lifting his eyebrows and running his hand through his sloppy light brown locks. “I’ll take you.”
“No. No. I’m just going to walk. Thank you, though.” I hurry past him without looking him in the eye like the coward that I am.
“Bye.”
“Bye. I guess.”
I hurry down the wide staircase then to the boardwalk that stretches over the dune to the beach. Despite knowing better, I chance a look back at the handsome, confused, sweet man that I’ve spent the entire day with. I shouldn’t have looked back. His face is stricken with worry and confusion and my first instinct is to go back to him and make it better. My first instinct is to stay with him. To be near him. To listen to him and talk to him and bask in the calm that being with him brings me. Instead of going back, I let my feet carry me as quickly as they can down the beach and into the dusky horizon. Out of sight.
I let the weighted door of my motel room shut itself as I walk past the bed and straight into the bathroom. I can’t get to the shower faucet quick enough. A litany of emotions have consumed my body and mind but the most consuming of them all is how dirty I feel. I feel so fucking dirty. I want to wash it all away. I feel like I’ve done something awful. I have done something awful. The water comes rushing out of the faucet at the same time that a tortured sob bursts from my mouth. I cover my mouth with both hands, leaving my nostrils flaring to take in enough breath to sustain me. My cheeks burn, my pulse pounds in my ears. My stomach churns and it’s all my fault. It’s Zander’s fault too.
I pull and tug at my clothes, fighting to get out of them and under the water. I can smell him on me. I want to smell him and forget ever seeing him at the same time. With my clothes still on, I step under the spray before it has even warmed up. I sink down at the back of the shower and pull my knees to my chest, hoping that if I sit here long enough, it may just wash away what happened at Zander’s house today. I hope it washes away what I felt at Zander’s house. He made me feel so much. I remember the way I felt when Jake had his arms around me. I remember what it felt like to feel safe and wanted. Zander made me want him. He made my body wake up and take notice of the desire that he elicits from me. When I’m so close to him, my stomach flutters and my center pulses, begging for him to touch me there. It all feels so wrong and right at the same time.
***
“Jake, wait!” I call out to him as he jogs backward up the beach wearing a playful smile that always meant mischief. He rights himself, giving me his back as he jogs away with ease. My feet seem sluggish in the sand and I fight to take longer strides. “Jake, dammit, Jake! Wait!” I cry out, hoping that he’ll take pity on me and come back to where I am.