I cross my legs against the tingle between them. What would that feel like? How badly would it hurt? Or would the pleasure override the pain? My curiosity leads me to click on videos that demonstrate how the equipment upstairs is used in sexual situations. I cannot look away.
By the time I come up for air, two hours have gone by. I make a point of clearing the browser history on the computer before I stand on trembling legs and leave the office with more questions than I had going in. I now know that the smaller rubber and glass objects are butt plugs. That had been what Valerie meant when she asked if Flynn had “plugged” my ass. My whole body tingles at the thought of that. Does the tingling mean I want it or that I don’t?
I’m such a neophyte when it comes to sex. I stayed away from men and anything to do with sex for so long that I lack the context I need to satisfy my curiosity. Judging by the heat between my legs, however, I’m incredibly aroused by what I’ve seen. Does that mean I want to try it?
Not necessarily. The thought of being tied down or shackled makes me feel light-headed—and not in a good way.
The most pressing questions I have after seeing Hayden’s room and two hours of “research” are whether my husband is into the same things as his best friend, and how will I ever work up the nerve to ask him that?
I need help dealing with this situation. Professional help. I scroll through my contacts for a number I haven’t called in six years. When I moved into my new cell phone, Natalie’s phone, I made sure to include the number just in case I ever needed it. I’m not even entirely sure it is still his number.
“One way to find out.” Fluff lifts her head to check on me. I give her a pat to settle her and place the call.
He answers on the fourth ring. Hearing his voice takes me right back to the dark days after the attack, when he’d been a big part of the group who put me back together. Dr. Curtis Bancroft specializes in post-traumatic stress and counseling sexual assault survivors.
“This is Curt. Hello?”
“Dr. Bancroft… This is April. April Genovese.” He’s never known me by my new name, as I stopped seeing him before I changed it.
“April,” he says on a long exhale, “it’s so great to hear your voice. I’ve been worried sick about you. I really hoped you’d call. How are you?”
“I’m doing surprisingly well, all things considered. Am I catching you at a bad time?”
“I’m on vacation in the Caribbean with my family, but I’m very happy to talk to you.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive. So you got married! That’s wonderful news. That’s going well?”
“Yes, Flynn… He’s amazing. He’s been very sweet and understanding.”
“Is this the first relationship you’ve had?”
I know he means sexual relationship. “Yes.”
“April? Are you coping with everything?”
“I think so. I’m able to… to make love with him.”
“That’s wonderful. And are you able to enjoy it?”
God, it’s embarrassing to talk about such personal things, even to someone from whom I have few secrets. “Yes, it’s … It’s incredible. I love it.”
“I’m very happy to hear that. You’ve worked so hard to get free of your past, and I hope you’re giving yourself permission to be happy.”
“I am. It’s just… Flynn, he… Well, I had a flashback on our wedding night. He… He held down my hands, and…”
“That was a trigger for you?”
“Yes! I didn’t even think about that until he did it, and then I totally lost it. And now… He’s so afraid of it happening again. He’s holding back. I told him that having sex with me is like juggling dynamite. You never know when it will blow—and not in a good way.”
His low chuckle rumbles through the phone. “While that’s an interesting metaphor, if your husband loves you—”
“He does. I have no doubt at all about that.”
“Then I’m sure he’s just trying to be careful as you get used to your first sexual relationship.”
“A few times, before he knew everything about what happened to me… He was different.”
“How so?”
“He was more unrestrained, earthy… He said things and did things.”
“Did you like that?”
“Yes. I liked it because it was Flynn, and I trust him. But since the thing with my hands, he’s… different. I worry that there are things he wants, and I’ll never know because he’s afraid to tell me.”
“Have you talked to him about this?”
“Sort of. It’s hard, though. This is so new to me. And his friends… Well, one of them at least, is into some really hard-core stuff, which makes me wonder what Flynn is interested in. I sound ridiculous because I can’t even find the right words to describe all this to you. How will I ever talk to him about it?”
“You’re doing a great job explaining it to me.”
“That’s easy. You’re not my husband. And I ran into his ex-wife at the SAG Awards.” I go on to tell Curt what Valerie said to me.
“Wow, well… You have to remember the source is someone who has an ax to grind with him—and with you.”
“I know. I’ve thought of that. But she’s got me wondering.”
“It sounds to me as if he truly cares for you, and when I saw you together on TV, he was very attentive.”