He’s kissing me as he makes love to me, and all of a sudden I can’t breathe. I can’t move. I can’t do this. I wrench my head to the left, breaking the kiss and let out a scream as the memories come flooding back to remind me that while I might be determined to outrun my past, it always catches up to me eventually.
I fight him like a wild animal, thrashing and kicking and screaming.
He stops immediately, pulls out and lets go of me. “Natalie.”
I’m hysterical, screaming and crying and fighting the demons with everything I have inside me. In the far recesses of my mind, I hear Fluff freaking out right along with me, barking and snarling.
“Sweetheart, oh my God, it’s me, baby. Please… Natalie. It’s just me, and I love you more than anything.”
His words permeate the hysteria, and I deflate like a balloon that’s been stuck with a pin. Fluff plops down next to me, licking my face and offering her own sort of comfort.
Dear God, I just totally lost my mind while making love to my husband for the first time. The sobs shake my body, and I’m afraid to open my eyes, to see how he must be looking at this broken, damaged shell of a woman he’s shackled himself to for a lifetime.
“Natalie…” He lays his hand on my heaving abdomen.
I flinch and Fluff growls, but Flynn doesn’t remove his hand. “Sweetheart, look at me. Open your eyes.”
I shake my head. I can’t. I’ll never be able to look at him again after ruining what should’ve been the most special moment of our lives.
He replaces his hand with his lips, kissing my belly, my hipbones, between my breasts, my neck, my jaw, my face and finally my lips. Each kiss is like a bandage on the wound I carry with me. Each kiss is about love and devotion and has nothing at all to do with what happened to me so long ago.
I tell myself that, but will he ever forgive me for losing it while he was inside me? Will he ever again touch me without thinking about what might happen if he makes the slightest wrong move?
“It was the hands,” I tell him, keeping my eyes closed.
“I held down your hands, and that triggered a memory.”
I nod. “I’m so sorry.” Tears soaking through my closed eyes leave hot tracks as they slide down my face.
He kisses them away and strokes my hair, my face, my body, which soothes and calms me. “Could I hold you?”
I turn into his arms and hold on to him for dear life as sobs shake my body and my newfound resolve. What other repressed memories are waiting to resurface to remind me of all the many ways I’m broken? How will my beloved husband ever know if what he’s about to do is the wrong thing?
“I’m sorry.”
“Do not apologize to me, Natalie.”
His sharp tone makes me whimper like the wounded animal I am.
“I’m sorry,” he says in a softer tone. “I didn’t mean to say it so harshly. You’re perfect just the way you are, and if it takes the whole rest of our lives, we’ll figure out what works for us—and what doesn’t. No matter what happens, I’ll never, ever blame you for any of it. Ever.”
“I hate that I ruined our wedding night.”
“You haven’t ruined anything. Our wedding night is far from over. It’s just getting started.”
He holds me for a long time, making soothing circles on my back and kissing my forehead over and over again until I begin to settle.
“Do you feel better?”
I nod. “Are you okay?”
“I’m great as long as I’m here with you.”
“Do you think… we could… can we…”
“What honey?”
“Can we try again?”
“We don’t have to. We’ve got all the time in the world.”
“I know we don’t have to, but I want to. If you’re willing. I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t.”
He props himself up on one elbow and looks down at me. “I am always willing to make love to you. There will never be a time when I don’t want you, Natalie. But you are always free to say no.”
“I’m saying yes. I’m saying yes to everything.”
“We’ll take it nice and slow.” He kisses me. “But we need a word, something you’ll say if it’s ever too much or something scares you. It needs to be a word that we both know means stop. No matter what’s happening, if you say that word, it’s game off.”
“Okay…”
“What word do you want to use?”
I finally open my eyes, look up at his handsome, earnest face and offer a faint smile. “How about Fluff?” My little dog lets out a yip when she hears her name.
He smiles back at me. “That’s perfect.”
I reach up to bring him down to me. “I love you. Nothing you could do will ever be wrong. It’s not you. Please tell me you know that.”
“I do. I know.”
“I loved the way we were before.”
“How were we?”
“Wild and uninhibited. I want to be that person. I want to be her with you.”
“We’ll get there.”
I run a finger over the pulse in his cheek that lets me know how difficult this is for him. “Having sex with me is like playing with dynamite without knowing where the fuse is.”
“Having sex with you is like the closest thing to heaven I’ve experienced on this earth, Natalie. There’s nothing that could happen that would change that.”
“Can we try again?”