I could see the curiosity in Kiera’s eyes, but the letter was sealed inside an envelope. She wouldn’t be able to read it until Anna did. Fuck. Did I want Anna to read it? Kiera nodded and took the letter from me, and that was when I realized that I did want Anna to read it. Sure, it was lame, sappy, and something that would typically make me gag…but I wanted Anna to know how I felt. How I really felt.
When Kiera closed the door with a small wave, my body was lighter, my head clearer. Maybe a letter wasn’t enough, but I finally felt like I was doing something productive, something positive, and something…unselfish.
I watched Kiera until she safely disappeared inside the airport, then I took off so I could get to work on time. Or almost on time.
My supervisor gave me a stern scolding about punctuality when I was late, telling me my time wasn’t my own, and I was basically stealing from the company. He’d said he’d fire me if I made a habit of it. Sanctimonious asshole. But all I could think of while he was yelling at me was Kiera’s news about the audition. I didn’t know what to do.
As much as I would love to take the time off work to try out for a gig I’d already had once, I knew in my heart I couldn’t. I couldn’t take yet another financial risk that might cost me everything, and I wasn’t lying when I told Kiera I needed this job. If I lost it and the contest didn’t pan out like I hoped—a distinct possibility given the outcome was determined by viewers—then I would be completely screwed; there would be no hope left for me. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t risk leaving this job to audition for the band.
Realizing that made me moodier than usual during my shift. God, my life sucked. I could barely remember back to when I’d thought I couldn’t lose, and I’d gambled with everything in my possession, even my marriage. And now I was being offered another chance, a real one this time, and I couldn’t afford to take it. I was damn near catatonic with depression when I shuffled off to lunch.
I studied my coworkers while I scraped the bottom of my pudding cup. Watching and listening to them was like being given a glimpse into my future, and from all I could tell, it wasn’t going to be good. Most of the guys here were struggling to make ends meet. A lot of them were drinking away their problems every night and on their second or third marriage. I loathed the idea of that being my future.
But could I take another risk? Assuming the guys invited me on the show…and that was a big assumption since most of them didn’t like me at the moment…the winner was voted on by the fans. They did hate me. They hated the way I left, they hated what I did to the guys, and…I didn’t blame them. I was a selfish asshole who hadn’t appreciated a single fucking thing I’d had. I didn’t deserve to be in the band again. I didn’t deserve to be with Anna again. I wasn’t good enough for anything I’d once had…
Kiera’s words wouldn’t leave me alone though. They’re miserable without you…They do care…
Pushing away the rest of the lunch I couldn’t eat, I closed my eyes and tried to think what Anna would want me to do. Where would I end up if I stayed at this job? I instantly knew the answer to that. I’d wind up with the same miseries I saw around me on a daily basis. I’d lose Anna, I’d lose the girls…I’d lose my family, and probably my mind.
Mentally, I shifted my focus to the other path in this crossroads before me. Where would I end up if I auditioned? Like I was waking from being numb, just the thought made tiny pinpricks of hope start to tingle my nerves. I could end up a D-Bag again, if fate was with me. But what if it wasn’t? What if I quit my job and lost the contest? How would I pay off my debts and support my girls? Then again, without Anna and the girls with me…what was the point of any of this? I’d rather scrape by with pennies in my pockets, or even beg for cash on the street corner, than spend the rest of my life without them. If I lost, I could start over. Somehow. But if I by some miracle I won…
Opening my eyes, I suddenly knew exactly what I had to do. My future was with Anna, and with the D-Bags, with my family…if they’d have me.
Feeling the burn of hope in my chest starting to expand outward, I smiled. It was painful, but I welcomed the ache. Okay, Kiera. I’ll go to the audition.
Trying to be smart for once, I didn’t completely quit my job. Instead, I put in a conditional notice. If I made it through the auditions and onto the show, then my job would be lost, but if I didn’t make it that far, I would have something to fall back on. It made me a little proud of myself that I’d thought out a plan before rashly jumping off the cliff. See, Anna, I’m learning.