“Tell me when it was good,” he countered.
I couldn’t do that. Drew was a monster then. He never treated me with any dignity or respect. He loved to humiliate me and treat me like a piece of meat. What the hell was I doing in bed with this maniac? I should be at home getting ready to have supper with Dawson. I had to get up. I wanted away from Drew at that moment. I needed to stop remembering the past or this trip was going to turn into remorse and guilt, more than it already was.
“I’m going to take a shower,” I said not answering his question.
He let me go. I stood in front of the mirror looking shamefully at my reflection. I wondered if there were cameras in the newly remodeled shower. What the hell was I doing? What in the world was I thinking? I stayed in the hot shower for as long as I could, trying to wash away my shame. It didn’t work.
Drew was gone when I came out. I walked around the beautiful transformed room and then back to the baby’s room. I took in every little detail. He had really gone above and beyond. The room was a mother’s dream room.
I sat in the gliding rocking chair and imagined myself holding my son as I rocked back and forth. I hadn’t even realized that I had fallen asleep until Drew woke me for supper.
I opened my eyes to sweet kisses on my eyelids and then my lips. I smiled. One minute I hated this man and the next, I couldn’t get enough of him. I wished there was a magic pill, a pill that would miraculously guide me in the right direction.
“You’re the most beautiful mother to be on earth,”
he whispered.
“I fell asleep, didn’t I?”
“You did. I like the idea of you falling asleep rocking my son.”
“I was rocking him, wasn’t I?” I smiled, realizing that I was indeed rocking my son. I couldn’t say our son. I didn’t know whose son I was rocking. I didn’t know if I was rocking Brady Aaron Bade or Nicholas Andrew Kelly. I wasn’t sure that I could keep this up for three more months. I wished I knew.
“Are you hungry,” Drew asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
“I’m always hungry,” I assured him.
***
I spent four days being in total love with my
husband. We laughed, went for walks, watched a football game at the nearby high school, made love countless times, and fell asleep naked in each other’s arms. I talked to Dawson every day and he never suspected a thing. I was supposed to stay for two more days, but Drew had to fly to New York. He begged me to go with him, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to be stuck in a hotel while he was out taking care of business. We made plans to meet at my mother’s in two weeks.
I spent the last night wrapped in his arms, dreading the thought of leaving him. Two weeks seemed like so far away. I drifted off to sleep after making love for the last time. I slept so soundly. I didn’t even know that I was dreaming. When I finally realized what was going on Drew had me in his arms, trying to wake me.
“Shhhh, you’re okay, I’ve got you,” he said, brushing my damp hair from my forehead.
“Dawson?” I whimpered, still incoherent. I felt him stiffen and then move off the bed.
Shit. It wasn’t Dawson.
“Drew?” I said to his dark silhouette.
He sat on the side of the bed and placed his head in his hands. I touched his arm, and he took my hand and brought it to his lips.
“You feel protected with him, don’t you?”
What? What the hell did I say?
“I feel protected with you too,” I tried.
“No, you don’t. You have no idea how it makes me feel when you wake up like that.”
“What did I say?”
He shook his head and breathed a deep breath.
“Tell me, Drew,” I demanded.
“You were begging me not to hit you again. You were promising not to be a bad girl and telling me that you would do what I wanted” he confessed.
Shit. Stupid nightmares.
“Drew, don’t, it’s okay.”
He jumped up. “It’s not okay, Morgan! I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve this baby. You don’t deserve me. You deserve someone like Dawson, someone that is going to respect and take care of you.”
“You know what, Drew? You are absolutely right,” I was getting angry with him. I didn’t want him to act like this when I knew that he was leaving me in a couple of hours. His head snapped toward me. “You don’t want me to bring up the past, then you’re not allowed to either. I love you, damnit. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”
“Why?”
“I have no idea why. I have asked myself that same question a million times. I love you and I don’t want to lose you.”
“But you don’t want to lose Dawson either, right?”
he asked, coming back to me. I didn’t want to lose Dawson. I loved him too. He was my safety net.