Knowing his family, she’d be begging for less help before the week was over. Or maybe not, she thought as she tried to sit up straighter in the bed before collapsing. She couldn’t be alone with the baby unless she could move without being drugged, so she resigned herself to at least a week of company. Mary probably already had a dry-erase board with a schedule on it up on her fridge.
She’d worry about that later. Right now she just wanted to hold her daughter. After raising the head of her bed and propping her up with pillows, they finally brought Lily to her. She was swaddled in a pink blanket, her tiny face almost serene in sleep. Her cute rosebud mouth puckered a little when Beth caressed her cheek, but she didn’t wake.
The nurses left, pulling the door closed behind them. Left alone, she unwrapped Lily and memorized every beautiful, perfect part of her. It was too soon to know what color her eyes would be, but she had her daddy’s dimples.
“She’s amazing.” Kevin was standing next to the bed and she hadn’t even noticed him moving. “You’re amazing.”
“You were pretty amazing, too, you know. I was worried after your reaction to the movie in class.”
He eased down on the edge of the bed. “It’s different when it’s the woman you…care about who’s in pain.”
She didn’t miss the hesitation in his words and her heart picked up the pace as she wondered what he’d really been about to say. Surely not what her overactive imagination assumed he’d been about to say. He was attracted to her and he wanted to take care of her, but he’d never so much as hinted that he might love her.
While deep down inside, a part of her squealed in delight at the possibility, the rational part of her mind—the part she’d let run her life almost entirely since getting pregnant—was glad he hadn’t said it, even if it was true. If he said it out loud, she’d have to question whether it was simply the heightened emotion of seeing their daughter born that prompted the feeling and she just wasn’t strong enough to resist him.
Making any kind of decision at a time like that would be a huge mistake, never mind one that would have a profound effect not only on their futures, but on their daughter’s.
“So about this help I’ll have at home,” she said, in an effort to change the direction her thoughts were taking. Unless, of course, he was about to tell her he planned to move in with her until she was back on her feet. That might help her physically, but it wouldn’t do a damn thing for her mental health.
“Ma and Lisa and Terry have it worked out, I guess. Your parents are going to stay with mine, except when your mom’s with you. I thought with all the…stuff…that comes after pregnancy, you might be more comfortable having a woman around to help you out.”
Why did he have to be so damn considerate all the time? “Thank you.”
“I’ll still be around, too, if you need me.” He scrubbed his hands over his face and in the seconds after, before he masked it for her benefit, she saw just how exhausted he was.
“You should go home,” she said. “Stretch out in a real bed and get some sleep.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I slept some in the chair, so I’ll be okay.”
“Sleeping upright in a chair isn’t a decent night’s rest, Kevin. Lily and I have an entire crew of nurses available at the push of a button. My mom’s going to want to come in. You don’t need to stay.”
“I know I don’t need to. I want to.” He looked at her, his face uncharacteristically serious. “I’m not ready to leave you yet. When Jonesy called and said your cab got hit by a bus…”
“I’m okay now.”
“I’m not.” He took her free hand in his. “When I thought…after the call I realized something.”
Please don’t, she thought. She didn’t want him to say it then, when she couldn’t trust that it came from anyplace other than the emotional rollercoaster they’d been on.
“I love you, Beth.” Joy and dismay battered against each other in her mind and all she could do was shake her head. “Don’t tell me I don’t.”
“I was in an accident and then we had a baby, Kevin. After upheaval like that our emotions are obviously going to be out of whack and—”
“Stop.” He stood and let her hand slide free of his. “Forget I said anything.”
As if she could ever forget hearing those words. “No, let’s talk about this.”
He shook his head. “I’m too tired to stand here and listen to you tell me my feelings aren’t real, but I’m not so much of an asshole that I’m going to argue with you when you just had a baby.”
As if on cue, Lily started making squeaking noises she assumed were the sleepy precursors to a full howl.
Kevin bent and kissed the baby’s forehead. “I think you’re right. You’re obviously well taken care of here, your parents want to see you, and I need some sleep. Call me if you need anything. If not, I’ll see you later.”
He walked out without making eye contact with her and Beth panicked. She wanted to call him—to ask him to come back so they could talk about it—but Lily made it painfully clear she didn’t care what was going on between her parents. She wanted to eat.
Beth rang the bell, and it wasn’t until one of the nurses handed her a tissue and assured her being emotional was normal that she realized she was crying.