After eight months with no success in getting pregnant, instead of letting it get us down, we had just got creative. We had sex in a supply closet on the maternity floor of a hospital because Jenny thought it would bring us luck. It didn’t, but we got two bottles of Windex, three pairs of doctor’s scrubs, and a box of rubber gloves out of the experience. That was almost better than a baby!
Another time, Jenny had made a list of all of the couples we knew who either were currently pregnant or had already had a baby. We went down the list and had sex in their beds. She figured there must be some kind of magical power in their beds that made it so they could have a baby. Having sex in their beds would get some of that magic to rub off on us. Yeah, that didn’t work either. And let me tell you, Carter and Claire were not so agreeable with our magic dust plan. I still didn’t get what the big deal was. It wasn't like we had sex while they were in the house. We made sure to wait until they left for work. Geeze, give us a little credit. I still had a scar on my forehead from when Claire threw a lamp at my head. It wasn't our fault they decided to come home early. They should have just followed their normal schedules and none of that would have happened.
The next one was totally genius and all my idea. What has more sperm than it knows what to do with? Yep. A sperm bank. I made an appointment and then made my deposit. In my wife – booyah! I figured this place was getting people knocked up every single day, so there had to be some luck in that, right? Jenny was a little nervous at first. She said she was certain that little particles of sperm were floating in the air at that place, and she was nervous that a particle from someone else would get all up in her business, and then she’d give birth to a baby that wasn’t mine. Don’t worry though, we took precautions. We kept her lady bits completely covered until I was ready for my deposit, ensuring that my particles were the only ones getting inside. The nurse at that place wasn’t too happy when we came back out and I told her I had made the deposit in the wrong cup. Jenny also wasn’t too happy that I kept referring to her vagina as a cup for the next several months.
I had been a little sad my idea hadn't worked, but it was okay because we came up with something even better.
It’s a good thing and a bad thing the next experiment actually worked. I say bad just because some day Veronica is going to ask where she was conceived and were going to have to tell her in the men’s room at a Red Lobster. Jenny had read somewhere that lobsters were lackadaisical, which in her mind, meant they would boost our desire, thereby ensuring we got pregnant. I was pretty sure she was trying to say aphrodisiac, but I wasn't about to correct her when it meant I was going to get laid with a belly full of lobster and delicious Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Before the bill came, we excused ourselves from the table and sneaked into the women’s room. As soon as I saw the tampon machine on the wall, I turned around and walked right back out. I couldn’t concentrate on banging if I was thinking about the red vagina of pain. I grabbed Jenny’s hand and marched us over to the men’s room. The coast was clear; the urinals were empty and both of the stalls were unoccupied. I dragged her back to the handicap stall and got down to business.
“Fuck, you look so hot in that dress, baby,” I said softly as I slid my hands around her hips and grabbed her ass, pulling her against me.
“Do you think it’s unclean to do this in a bathroom? What if I get germs in my vagina?” Jenny asked nervously as she looked around the inside of the stall.
“You obviously have no idea how unclean my penis is if you’re asking me this,” I told her honestly as I slipped my hands under her dress, pushing it up past her hips.
“Jesus, you aren’t wearing any underwear,” I mumbled against the side of her neck as my hand glides over her bare ass.
“I took them off at the table,” she told me, wrapping her arms around my neck as I sucked and licked the skin right under her ear.
“That’s so hot. Did you put them in your purse?”
I felt her shake her head “no” as my hand slid around in front, and I pushed my fingers through her soft, wet skin.
“Oh God that feels good! No, not in my purse. I just left them on the floor under the table.”
I pushed and twisted my fingers through her heated center, sliding them up and around her clit with each pass.
“Fuck! Take your pants off!” Jenny muttered as she clutched her fingers tightly into my hair.
I pulled my fingers out of her with a groan, quickly unbuttoned and unzipped my pants, and pushed them down to my knees. Jenny lifted one leg up, wrapping it around my hip so I could hold it in place by her knee. With my free hand, I grabbed my dick and positioned it at her entrance.
“We’re totally making a baby right now,” I told her.