Chapter Ten
Demons
Drake took me back to his house where we hung out for the rest of the afternoon, watching TV and talking about school, his band, and anything else we could think of as we sat together on his couch. It felt nice to spend time with him, just the two of us. After a couple hours I asked if I could take my bandage off to look at the tattoo. He nodded and helped me peel it off slowly.
When it was uncovered I felt tears start to sting my eyes. Those two little words represented everything that was my past, all the pain, the fear.
I looked up at Drake through my tears, “Thank you so much, you don’t know what this means to me.”
He raised his hand to my face and wiped my tears away
“No thanks are necessary, I’m just glad I could do something for you. Will you tell me what it means?”
I looked at him confused, “I already did, it means never loved.”
“I know what the words mean, but I want to know the meaning behind it.”
I looked down at my wrist as my tears started flowing faster, “I told you before that my mother wasn’t the best.”
He nodded as I continued.
“She had me too young, and she resented me for it. She had to grow up to raise me. She managed to stop using drugs while she was pregnant and stayed sober for a while after, but she relapsed and went back to her partying ways. From the time I was little, she would either take me to parties with her and leave me there by myself or she’d just leave me alone at home for days at a time, and when she did come home she was usually stoned or drunk. I tried to stay out of her way, but she’d always find me and she was so angry. She would scream at me about how I ruined everything, how I ruined her life and she wished I was never born. It escalated a few times and she beat me. If she brought a boyfriend home with her, they would usually beat me too. There was this one guy, John, that she brought home when I was thirteen. Instead of beating me like the others, he just sat and watched my mother hit me. I was relieved that he wouldn’t hurt me too. That night, after my mother passed out, he came into my room. He wasn’t drunk or even stoned from what I could tell, but he crawled into bed with me and he started…”I bit back a sob, “He started trying to touch me. I woke up and realized what was happening so I started screaming.”
I stopped and took a deep breath, but he spoke before I could.
“Chloe, did he hurt you? Did he rape you?”
I shook my head, “No, my screams must have woken up my mother and she came to see what was going on. She took one look at us in my bed and started screaming at me, calling me a whore. She didn’t even say anything to him, but he stood up and left as she started beating me. The next morning, she was gone and I didn’t see her for almost six months. I stayed with Amber most of the time while she was gone. When she came back, she seemed better and I hoped that things would change. Since it was summer, she even asked me to come along with her on her next trip. I spent the next three months with her partying and getting stoned before we ended up at my aunts. We stayed there for over a month before she disappeared again. My aunt helped me get home, and from then on out, I saw her maybe once or twice a year and she has only beat me a few times since then. I pretty much moved in with Amber and her parents, and then I came here to escape her. I never want to see her again, and I’m afraid of what she’d do to me if I did.”
He pulled me into his arms as my body shook with sobs.
“Baby, I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. If I had known you then, I would have protected you. You’re far too precious for that.”
I buried my face in his shirt as he spoke.
“Look at me.”
I shook my head no, but he pulled away and cupped my face in his hands, pulling me up so that I was looking at him. His eyes were a mixture of emotions. Anger, worry, sorrow, and last but not least, pity.
“I don’t want your pity Drake.”
He pulled my face to his and kissed me gently, taking me by surprise.
“It’s not pity I’m feeling, it’s blinding rage. I’d like to kill your mother for what she did to you. Thank you for telling me, I’m glad you know you can trust me.”
I gave a weak smile as he pulled me back to him and kissed me again. Instead of pulling away like before, he deepened the kiss. I felt my body come alive as his tongue slid into my mouth to gently caress my own. Something hard flicked against my teeth and I pulled back.
“Do you have your tongue pierced too?”
He grinned as he stuck his tongue out at me and I noticed a silver barbell.
“Jesus Drake, what don’t you have pierced?”
His grin faded and his eyes turned dark with lust.
“Why don’t I show you what else I have pierced?”
My eyes widened, “Um, no thanks, I’ll take your word for it.”
He laughed as he leaned in and kissed me again before pulling back and relaxing into the couch.
“What are we doing Chloe?”
“I don’t know, I was hoping you could tell me.”
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, “I don’t know either. We’re friends right?”
I nodded. “Yeah we’re friends who apparently kiss each other.”
“I don’t even know how to say this, so I’m just going to get it all out there. I like you Chloe and I’m attracted to you obviously, but I also consider you a friend. I really don’t want to screw that up, and if we take this any further, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. I don’t do relationships, but with you, sometimes I want to. Also, deny it all you want, but Logan has feelings for you. If something is going on between the two of you, I don’t want in the middle of it.”
I nodded as I let his words sink in, “I don’t want to ruin our friendship either, but I do have feelings for you and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that. Is it worth ruining our friendship to take a chance on something that might not work out? And you’re right about Logan having feelings for me, he told me everything the other night. I don’t know what I want from him, and my head is completely screwed up between the two of you.”
I studied the swirling patterns on the couch as I waited for him to speak. The silence in the room was deafening.
“You should be with Logan. He loves you and he would take care of you. I’m not a good person and I don’t pretend to be. I want you, but I can’t have you,” he said softly.
I nodded as tears welled up in my eyes again, “What if I don’t want him, what if I want you?”
He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead, “You can’t have me, not like that anyway.”
I nodded as I stood, “You’re right. We’re great as friends, but anything else would be a disaster. I’m going to head home and take a nap, I’m beat.”
He rose and walked me to the door.
“So I’ll see you later?”
“Of course Drake, we’re friends, this conversation doesn’t change that.”
He kissed me on the cheek as I stepped outside to my car.
Tears streamed down my face all the way back to the dorm. I knew how Drake was, but hearing it directly from him hurt more than I was willing to admit to myself. I pulled into the parking lot and made my way up the stairs to my room intending to take the world’s longest nap. Logan was standing in front of my door as I reached the top of the stairs.
“Hey, I was just about to knock and see if you wanted to get something to eat,” he took one look at me and ran to my side, “What’s wrong? Why have you been crying?”
I shook my head as I raised my arms to wipe my tears away.
He caught my newly tattooed arm and pulled it up to look at it, “What’s this?”
“Nothing, just a reminder of everything.”
“What does it mean Chloe?”
I looked down at my shoes. “Never loved.”
He pulled me into his arms.
“Oh, baby girl, why do you do this to yourself? You have to let her go, what she did was horrible, but Chloe you are loved. Amber loves you, and so do I.”
He thought my tears were from all the painful memories from my past, and I wasn’t about to correct him. If he knew they had everything to do with the present, with Drake, he would pull away. He leaned down and kissed me gently. I knew I shouldn’t let him, but Drake didn’t want me and Logan did. Drake was right, Logan would always be there for me, he would take care of me like he had been doing for years.
I kissed him back for a split second before pulling away. “Thanks Logan, I don’t know where I would be without you and Amber. Don’t ever leave me.”
“I wouldn’t leave you, no matter what. Now dry your tears and let’s get some dinner, I’m starving.”
I gave him a weak smile as he led me back down the stairs and out to his car. He made small talk all the way to the restaurant, and he seemed genuinely excited when I told him about my new job.
“That’s great Chloe, I’m glad you found something.”
As we drove, I laughed as he attempted to cheer me up with bad coffee jokes. I felt my heart lighten, being with Logan always felt so right. I watched him as he drove, studying him. He really was beautiful, but in a masculine way. I had always thought so, but now I was seeing him with new eyes. He was such a good person and he already knew everything about my past, knew that I was damaged.
He glanced over and saw me watching him. “What are you looking at?”
I turned my attention to the radio and started flipping channels until I found something good. “Nothing, you’re just kinda beautiful.”
He laughed, “Um, thanks I think?”
“It was a compliment.”
“Well thanks then, you’re kind of beautiful too.”
I blushed as we pulled up in front of the restaurant.
The restaurant was almost empty when we entered and we were seated quickly. I sat staring at the menu, trying to decide what to get. “What are you getting? Everything looks good and I can’t decide.”
He pointed at the top of the menu, “Why don’t we get their sausage burger? It’s seriously huge, we can just share.”
I agreed as a waitress appeared and took our order. She stayed a little longer than necessary, flirting shamelessly with Logan. I glared at her back as she went to the kitchen to place our order.
“Why are you giving her your trademark Chloe look of death?”
“She was flirting with you.”
He shook his head and laughed, “No she wasn’t.”
I looked at him shocked that he hadn’t noticed.
“Logan when a girl bats her eyelashes and twirls her hair like that, she’s flirting. I’m a girl, I know these things.”
His eyes turned serious, “Does it bother you when other girls flirt with me?”
I opened my mouth to tell him no, but stopped. Seeing her flirt with him had bothered me and I wasn’t sure why. Girls had flirted with him since we met and it had never bothered me before, I had even pushed him to talk to that girl at the bar the other night.
“I… I guess it does.”
He smiled as he reached across the table and placed his hand in mine.
“I would be lying if I said that didn’t make me happy. Have you thought about what I said the other day?”
I lowered my gaze to our entwined hands as I spoke, “Yeah I have, but I just don’t know where I stand. What if we did try and it destroys us? I don’t think I’d survive without you Logan. I love you so much, I’m just not sure how I love you. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
He nodded, “I know exactly what you mean, and I’ve thought the same thing. Why do you think I waited so long to tell you?” he turned my hand over and gently ran his fingertips over my tattoo, “But I think it’s worth it in the end to try if you’re willing. We could be so great together.”
I pulled my hand away and started playing with the straw in my drink. “Just give me some time to think about all of this, I don’t want to rush into anything, especially right now.”
He gave me a questioning look, “What do you mean, especially right now?”
I realized my blunder and quickly tried to think of an answer that didn’t involve my feelings for Drake.
“Um, I just meant with us starting college. Everything is so new and I don’t want to jump ahead of myself.”
He smiled, “Of course. Like I told you before, no pressure Chloe. When you’re ready to give me an answer, I’ll be here waiting.”
The waitress appeared with our food, ending our discussion. I breathed a sigh of relief as I took a bite of my part of the sandwich.
“Holy crap, this is amazing! Good choice!”
“I ate here a couple days ago and the waitress suggested it. I was blown away too.”
We sat in an easy silence as we ate, both enjoying our food too much to speak. When we finished, Logan paid for both of us, despite my protests.
“I’ve got it. It was my idea to come out anyway,” he said as he led me back out to the car with his arm around my shoulders.
I snuggled into his side and enjoyed his warmth, “Thanks for tonight, I needed this.”
The next morning, Drake dropped into his desk beside me as I pulled my things out of my bag for class and my stomach instantly clenched at the sight of him. I prayed he wouldn’t mention anything about our conversation last night in front of Logan.
“Morning. How’s the tattoo?”
I held out my arm to show him. “It’s good, I put some of that cream on it. I thought it was supposed to itch though.”
“It will, just give it a little while. When it does, do not scratch it, no matter how bad it annoys you, and don’t mess with it once it starts to peel.”
Logan turned to look at Drake, “How did you know she got a tattoo?”
Drake raised an eyebrow, “I’m the one who took her to get it.”
I felt Logan watching me.
“Really? She left that part out.”
I looked at Logan with an apologetic smile, “Sorry, must have slipped my mind.”
Logan continued to stare between the two of us, “Did she tell you what it meant?”
I glanced over at Drake, who had a smug look on his face.
“Yeah she did. She told me everything.”
Logan seemed upset over this news, but gave no further comment. I breathed a sigh of relief when class started. The rest of class felt tense in our little bubble, but I tried to ignore it as I took notes.
When class was dismissed, Drake turned to me.
“You want to help with that paper that’s due tomorrow? We could meet at my house tonight.”
I shook my head, “I can’t, I start my new job at Starbucks tonight.”
He nodded as he stood to leave, “Ok, I’ll see if I can find someone else to do it for me,” he glanced around and caught sight of one of the girls we had that class with, “Bingo. I’ve got stuff to do later, so I won’t be at lunch. See ya.”
I waved as he walked over to the girl and threw his arm around her. I refrained from growling since Logan was standing next to me, watching me closely.
“So you told him?” he asked as we walked together.
“Yeah.”
He frowned, “I’m not trying to be a jerk, but can I ask why? I mean, you barely know him and you’ve never told anyone except for Amber and me.”
I shrugged, “I don’t know. I just trust him, I can’t explain it.”
My words seemed to bother him and he frowned. “Is something going on between you guys?”
My stomach dropped and I refused to meet his gaze, “No, we’re just friends and that’s all we’ll ever be.”
He seemed satisfied with my answer as he leaned down and kissed me on the cheek.
“Good to know, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t have any competition.”
“Never.”