Freedom
December, 2000
The last four months have been the fastest of my life. Between the two yoga studios and the clothing line, I barely have time to breathe, and I can’t tell you how much I love being out of breath. Making things happen is so much better than waiting for things to happen. Waiting for love to happen, for death to happen, for divorce to happen…it’s all so damn exhausting.
“Ahem, Chrissy…Kurt’s here to see you.”
“Very funny.”
Not really believing Megan, I continue to sift through thermal fabric swatches for the hoodie sweatshirt she’s working on.
“No, really, he just walked through the door. Wow, he really is good looking.”
I look up and see Kurt walking towards me with a dozen red roses.
“Well, hello there, stranger, little late to try and win me over don’t you think?”
I lean in to give him a kiss on the cheek, and he whispers ,”It’s final,” in my ear.
“What’s final?”
“The divorce. I got the paperwork last week. I know how busy you’ve been with all of this, assumed you haven’t been opening your mail at home. I thought I’d drive over and tell you the news myself.”
I had months…years even, to prepare myself for this moment. I’m confused that I feel so…confused.
“Oh…I thought we had until December.”
“It is December.”
“Wow, I guess you’re right. So, we’re not married anymore?”
“Nope.”
“I’m not Chrissy Gibbons anymore?”
“I don’t think you ever were.”
“Ouch.”
“I’m not here to hurt your feelings. Just wanted to give you these, they’re called freedom roses.”
“I bet there aren’t many girls out there who get a dozen red roses from their husband when their divorce is final.”
“Not a dozen, fourteen. One for every year we were together.”
I hear Slutty Co-worker say to Megan, “What is this…a divorce or a first date?”
I glare at the two of them as I grab Kurt’s hand. “The evening meditation class just finished, let’s go inside the studio for some privacy.”
The studio is still lit by candles and the music is softly humming in the background. Kinda does feel like a first date.
“Let’s dance.”
“You’re not gonna make me cry, are you, Kurt?”
“Isn’t that what I do best?”
Laughing, we slide together just like we did on the night we met at his high school graduation party in 1986. Who knew it would take me this long to grow up.
“Dr. Maria told me I could find you here.” I pull away.
“You went to see Dr. Maria?”
“Not to talk about me, believe it or not, I’m okay with who I am. I wanted to ask her if you were okay…if you were finally happy.”
“What did she say?”
“She told me to come and ask you myself.”
“Sounds like something she’d say. Kurt, I…”
“You don’t need to say anything about what happened any more. You were right about us not being a good fit.”
I pull away in shock.
“You really think that?”
“Yeah. I always thought I was the strong one, the one who knew better for the both of us, but I was wrong. You saw what I didn’t have the courage to see. For that, I thank you.”
“Please don’t thank me. I did a lot of stuff I’m not proud of. Stuff I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for.”
“I know, and I didn’t deserve a lot of it. But I forgive you, Chrissy.
And if I can forgive you, then you should forgive yourself.”
“I have a lot of guilt, Kurt. It’s not quitter guilt, it’s just guilt.”
“Is guilt the reason why you’re not with that guy?”
“There are a lot of reasons I’m not with that guy, but I’d definitely say guilt is at the top of the list.”
“Chrissy, what good is your freedom if you’re not gonna use it to go after the things you didn’t think you could have with me?”
“So you think I should try to find him?”
“Alright, alright…I’m your ex-husband, not your girlfriend! I’m done talking to you about this.”
After a few minutes of silent spinning, “Are you happy, Kurt?”
“I’m gonna miss calling you my wife. Just like you, I wanted this to be forever. But I know why it can’t be, so yes, I’m allowing myself to be happy. You know me; I don’t spend too much time on sadness and stuff like that.”
“Are you still with Kaaaaaayla?”
“Don’t you think it’s time to stop saying her name like that?”
“The thought of you kissing another woman makes me sick to my stomach.”
“I know the feeling. Yeah, I’m still with her. She likes to camp, you know. She loves basketball and hiking and…”
And there it was, his million-dollar smile, as big and beautiful as ever.
“Okay! Okay! Stop! I’m happy for you…I think.”
“But she doesn’t like yoga and yoga chicks are hot.”
“I know! Look at this butt I have now!”
“Oh boy, I should probably leave before I ask you on a date.” He moves to pull away, but I cling tightly to him.
“Just one last dance.”
“You got it.”
When we’re done, he wipes a solitary tear off of my cheek with his finger.
“How come you don’t have any of those for me?”
“If I started, I’d never stop.”
I pull away in amazement as I’m reminded once again of just how similar the two people I’m losing really are. He asks me how Kelly’s doing, and after a brief and not so great update, he puts his arms around me one last time.
“Craig told me that you’re one of the few people who’s been able to talk to her in person. I’m glad, I know you need that kind of closure.”
“Is that why you’re here?”
“That’s exactly why I’m here.”
Grabbing both of his hands and studying every line and scar on his face, “We’re not gonna be able to be friends, are we Kurt?”
“Would you be able to move on if we were?”
“No.”
“Then why’d you ask the question?”
“Stalling, I guess.”
“I should probably go now. Seriously, that new butt of yours is working its magic on me. Walk me out to my car.”
On the way out, I make one final scan of his body. I take a mental picture of his crew cut, of the tiny lines that form on the outside of his smile, of his…
“Kurt! Is that a f*cking Porsche!?”
“Yeah, I bought the roses for you and the car for me. Pretty sweet, huh?”
After Kurt left the studio, I drove straight to Freakmont to sit on Kelly’s porch and write her a letter about the divorce and the Porsche. I thought she’d get a good laugh out of both.
Kurt bought the car a few months ago. He admitted it was partly out of spite, a foreign feeling for him, but he went with it. I guess I can’t be too angry that he bought the damn thing because all of his driving around in it afforded him some much needed time to think. And the more he thought, the more he agreed with me that we weren’t right for each other. He also realized he’d much rather have a Porsche at this stage of his life than children, and secretly he became pretty damn thankful that things were the way they were. Right now, his new true love is the Porsche, but he admitted to me at the yoga studio that it might not be long before it was Kayla. And then he thanked me for his second chance to find true love. It was the second chance part that I thought Kelly would get a real big laugh at. I wanted to tell her she wasn’t the only one in town who could spread them around. But I never got an opportunity to write the letter. When I got to the house, I saw an envelope taped to the front door. It said “Read before you write.” I slump down into my usual spot on the porch and hesitantly open the envelope.
Hey ;oser, I already know about the divorce and the Porsche. Kurt told Craig about both of them last week. And yes, I laughed my ass off when I heard about the Porsche. Well, as much of my ass that’s left. What I don’t know is why this is the first place you came after you found out that you’re a free woman. Don’t you think there’s someone in New York who wants to hear about your divorce more than me? Someone you can actually have a life with! Go find him, Chrissy. I know he’s waiting for you.
Did you know that since I got sick you’re the only person who had the audacity to ask me, “What will I do when you die?” No one else would touch that question with a ten-foot pole! But you…you just had to go there! You always ask the questions that no one else has the guts to ask, and I’ve always admired that about you. I never answered your question, Chrissy because I really thought I could beat this. But I was wrong, it’s kicking my butt. So, I’ll answer your question now. After I die, you’ll live and you’ll love. Now get the hell out of here and get moving on those second chances. K.
p.s. Make sure you give my eulogy. C & N will be way too serious. Craig’s gonna need to laugh.
p.p.s. It’s Friday and I’m wearing my overalls!
p.p.p.s. Here are your missing journal pages. Damn girl, you’re a freak!
I reach back in the envelope and pull out the small stack of familiar papers. One by one, I glance at the incriminating pages that were ripped out of my journal on the night of my surprise party. This whole time I was wondering what happened to them, and Kelly had them all along, never in a million years would I have thought it was her who came to my rescue. I refold the letter and gently place it back in the envelope, careful not to let my tears smudge any of her writing. Just then, Craig comes out to sit with me.
“Are you okay?”
“No, are you?”
“No. She wants you to have this, Chrissy.”
My mind is racing as Craig hands me a tiny box. Is it her pearls, the something blue we shared on our wedding days, a special picture of the two of us?
“It’s her American Airlines frequent flier card. She enclosed her username and password so you can transfer the miles to your account.”
“What the…”
“She really wants you to go to New York…tonight. She wants you to tell that guy everything you came here to tell her.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me! I can’t fly somewhere at the drop of a hat. I have to work.”
“She knew you’d say something like that so she wanted me to remind you of how many times you barged into her life and tried to make her feel emotions that don’t come easy to her. She said it’s her turn now.”
“But this is different.”
“Hey, I’m just telling you what she wants. Besides, don’t you want it too?”
After thinking for a lot longer than the guy has time for…
“Craig…I want it so badly that I’m too afraid to go after it and find out it’s gone. It’s been a year and half since he went to New York. It has to be gone…doesn’t it?”
“Only one way to find out.”
I take the box, stand up, and dust myself off. Craig and I hug goodbye for a lot longer than usual. We both need it. Before I get in my non-Porsche car, I look up and see a faint outline of Kelly peeking thru the curtains. I step forward, but she puts a hand on the window in a way that tells me to stop. I clutch the box and the envelope to my heart and mouth the words “thank you.” It’s hard to see what she looks like, and I squint to get a better view, afraid of what I might see. As if she knows I would be, she gives me a shaky thumb up and then lets the curtains fall back together.
Have you seen my love
Is he far away
Have you seen the one for me
Whose face lights up my day…
(Have You Seen My Love? Rosie Thomas)