Mommy Dearest
July, 2000
I’m rich! And Lord knows it’s not because I’m rich in love and happiness and all that other crap, either. It’s because Kurt and I sold the house in Danville. Sad as I was about losing my dream home, the money couldn’t have come at a better time. My boss has been quite unsatisfied with my job performance, and he’s given me one month to “get my shit together” or no raise for me at review time. Can’t blame him really. For starters, I won’t sleep with him, but that was always the case and it didn’t prevent me (or him) from getting raises before. It’s mostly because half of my office has turned into the west wing of the Mayo Clinic and the other half looks like an Ashtanga yoga clinic. I literally don’t do a damn thing at work other than obsess about pancreases. Then, when I need to de-stress from how hard it is to fix the f*cking thing when it’s tainted with cancer, I drop down on my yoga mat for some much needed relaxation. Then when those two things become exhausting, I ditch work and head to Kelly’s house where I do all the things I know she wishes she could do for herself. Well, technically I do everything on the outside of her house that she wishes she could do for herself. She won’t let me in. She won’t let anyone in, and other than sneaking out to her doctor’s appointments, she won’t come out.
Nicole and Courtney got so mad at me when I told them about my day trips to Kelly’s house. They said I was defying Kelly’s request that we stay away, but I think they’re angry because instead of following directions, I’m following my heart, something neither of them are capable of doing. Here’s how their brains work: “Kelly’s dying and she told me to stay away. Therefore, I must do what I’m told or else I will get a bad grade, oops, I mean get in trouble.”
Here’s how my brain works: “Holy f*cking shit, my beloved Kelly is dying! Even though she told me to stay away, I have to go to her, be by her side! Whether she likes it or not I have to tell her I love her and that I can’t imagine my life without her.”
And so, that’s exactly what I did. Well, sort of. Since she won’t let me inside, I sit on her front porch and write her gooshy letters about our high school days, college days, and wedding days until Craig comes out to give me something to do. I go grocery shopping, take the baby for long walks in her stroller, mow the lawns, and plant flowers so that Kelly always has something beautiful to look at. In a lot of ways, I’m fulfilling my dream of being the perfect stay-at-home mom. Yep, it’s my own little f*cked up heaven. This is what I’m writing about to Kelly today when the front door opens.
“Oh, hey Craig, what’s on my list to… Kelly!”
There she was. Standing in the doorway, drowning in her denim overalls, her thinning hair pulled into two scrawny pig-tails, pale as a ghost, and mad as the devil. God, it’s good to see her.
“Chrissy, what the hell are you doing?”
“Being your best friend.”
“No, you’re being a pain in the ass. Stop coming here, and for God sake, stop writing all those damn letters. I don’t read those things, you know.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No I don’t! I don’t have time to be sad.”
Is it because death is on the horizon? Or is it because she and her doctors are working diligently on a cure? I want to know why she doesn’t have time to be sad, but I can’t ask her, she’ll freak. Freaking will cause her to slam the door on me. Freaking will put an abrupt end to this moment that I’ve waited four months for.
“Come here, Farmer Ted. Sit next to me.”
I pull the hem of her overalls, and she reluctantly gives in to my request. She smells like medicine.
“I don’t write them to make you sad, Kel. I write them to make you happy and make you laugh. And I like coming here. I regret not doing it more often, before the canc--”
“We don’t talk about it, Chrissy. Got it? You want to sit with me and chat? Then it’s gonna have to be about something else.”
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”
Craig told me it was like this. Sometimes when it’s late at night and Kelly and the baby are asleep, he joins me on the front porch. We drink beers, and I listen to him cry as he spills his guts that are so full of fear and anger. Kelly won’t let him do it in front of her. Whenever he starts to well up, she asks him to go to the garage. Can you imagine? The man wants to grieve with his wife, and she sends him to the garage to do it alone. Actually I can imagine it; I lived it with Kurt.
“Your daughter is beautiful, Kel. Such an angel.”
Oh f*ck, I did NOT just say that. Cancer…death…angels!
“I’m sorry, Kelly, probably gonna keep putting my foot in my mouth if you don’t lead the discussion.”
“You divorced yet?”
I should’ve known this is where she’d head.
“Looks like it’ll be final in December.”
“Bout’ time. You back together with that Leo guy?”
“Looks like that’ll never happen.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
Okay, now I’m confused.
“You are?”
“Yeah, I never took you for a quitter.”
Damn that word.
“What are you talking about? You were totally in Kurt’s camp during that whole ordeal.”
“Noooooo, I was in my camp.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“If you haven’t noticed, Chrissy, I don’t like change. I married my high school sweetheart just like you did…except I got lucky. I never left Fremont, never even changed jobs since I graduated from college.
For cryin’ out loud, look at what I’m wearing! You think it’s because I’m trying to hide how skinny I am, but the truth of the matter is, I wear these every Friday…every single Friday for seven years. Change does NOT come easy for me.”
“Let me get this straight. You didn’t want me to divorce Kurt because of how it would’ve affected your life?”
“I dunno…I guess so. I didn’t like the thought of choosing a side, having to hide details of each of your new lives from each other, having to decide between you or him for the annual group camping trip. Stuff like that.”
“I’ll help you out with that, he can have the camping trip.”
I thought that was funny, but when our eyes meet, hers tell me there are no more camping trips for her either.
“Look, this…and let’s not put a name to ‘this’ because I told you I didn’t want to talk about it. But, what’s happening to me and my family should hopefully put a lot in perspective for you.”
“It does.”
“Not as much as it probably should.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m pretty pissed that I’m now this person who people can use as some kind of barometer for how great their lives are after all. I hide in my house because everyone’s pretty damn relieved not to be me, and they do a bad job of hiding it.”
“That’s not true.”
“Sure it is. Everyone’s relieved to have more time with the spouse they used to resent, the kids that used to bug the shit out of them, to have the job they used to hate. They feel relieved and then they feel guilty, and that’s why they show up to help Craig and me. I resent everyone’s new lease on life.”
“Nothing about what you’re going through is a relief for me, Kel.”
“Let me finish. Even though I hate being the big reminder to everyone to start appreciating their life, if I had to choose one person for my situation to be an example for, it’s you, Chrissy.”
“Me?”
“You’re different than everyone else. You’re not here because I jump-started your once pathetic life, and you’re not rejoicing in second chances. You’re here because you’re resentful…just like me.”
“Well, we always have been attached at the hip.”
“But it’s not good to be attached to me now. Don’t use my ‘this’ as another reason why you don’t get on with your life. You’ve already wasted so much time and no thanks to how unsupportive I was over the whole Kurt and Leo thing, I’m sure.”
“Kelly, stop.”
“No. That’s why I’m on this porch right now, to tell you to be like all those people I’m hiding from and use my ‘this’ as a reason for you to take chances and be happy. Go find a man you don’t resent, have a kid that doesn’t bug the shit out of you, find a job you love. Do something except come here.”
“I didn’t want our time together to be about me, Kel. I feel like there are so many more important things to be talking about.”
“But are there more important things to talk about? I mean, aren’t you sort of clinging to life, too?”
“Not like you.”
“But you will be one day. You need to stop taking each day of your life for granted and spend it with the ones you love the most, the ones that make you feel the most loved.”
“But…”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you love me and all that stuff, but I’m not the person you should be investing your time in right now.”
“Stop it! Don’t say that.”
“I won’t stop, and you will listen. For once…just listen. None of the people you’ve surrounded yourself with have ever given you what you need to feel whole. Not me, Nicole, Courtney, or Kurt. It’s why you’ve always needed us as a package. As a group, we possess everything you need to feel good about yourself, but when just one of us disappears, you almost can’t function. But your package is broken, Chrissy, and it’s not broken because of the divorce and it’s not broken because I have “this.” It’s been broken for a really long time, and for years I’ve watched you try to glue it back together.”
“Oh c’mon… that’s not true!”
“Give me a break, it was always you who put an end to the arguments I had with Courtney and Nicole and the arguments they had with each other. You never gave us enough time to solve our own conflicts because you knew if you did, they might not get solved. And we went along with whatever you asked of us because frankly it was easier than watching you sulk about the impact our conflicts had on your life.”
“I’m not that bad!”
“Worse! I bet the only actual birthday any of us have on our calendar is yours! Yeah, we’re all scared shitless to forget. Afraid you’ll jump off a bridge or something.”
“So, I guilted you into doing nice things for me?”
“No, Chrissy, I wanted to do nice things for you, but I have to admit, what I wanted to do took back seat to your hypersensitivity.”
Wow. I’m actually pissed at my cancer-stricken friend.
“And you always made excuses for Kurt when he was so obviously indifferent to your feelings. There you were solving problems and fixing things that no one asked you to fix, always making sure your package was perfect. But none of us ever asked you to do that for us. Want to know why?”
“Not really.”
“Because with or without you, we’re whole. Court, Nic, and I have stuff in our lives that makes us feel whole. Whether it’s our husbands or our jobs or our children, we have really good stuff. And
Kurt…well he’s just in love with himself.”
“Wow, you sure are mad that I keep coming here and writing you letters.”
“No, I’m mad that you’re taking me away from my family…the people who make me the most happy…the people I want to spend all of my time with right now. I’m mad that every time I hear your car pull up, it distracts me from the things that I want to be doing. You’re making me worry about you, Chrissy. It was enough when I was healthy, but now it’s just really pissing me off.”
I’m horrified, and I don’t know if it’s because Kelly just made me feel like my love for her means nothing or if it’s because I’m taking her away from the people she justifiably loves more than me. All I can say is, “I’m sorry, Kelly,” and do everything I can to hold back the tears so I don’t continue to piss her off. It’s quiet long enough for nearby crickets to return to a loud rolling chirp.
“Look, all I know is when you were seeing Leo, you stopped caring about how well your best friends got along or if they called you on your birthday or Christmas. You seemed to stop caring whether people thought you and Kurt were the perfect couple. I can only imagine all that stuff happened because he made you feel whole.”
My tell-it-like-it-is friend is always right.
“But now that he’s gone, there you are with your glue and tape, trying to mend the package.”
“Even if Leo was in my life, I’d still be sitting on your porch writing you letters, buying you groceries, and spending time with your daughter.”
“But not every day! Most days you’d be with him because he’d be helping you through this.”
“You’re breaking my heart, you know.”
“No, I’m trying to put it back together. Look Chrissy, the only reason I can do ‘this’ is because there’s nothing I look back on with regret. I have everything I ever wanted.”
“If you’re so whole, why can’t you let Craig cry? Why can’t you cry!?”
And the floodgates are open. Mine, not hers, of course. I’m scared of her reaction and surprised when it’s actually sweet.
“If I start, I’ll never stop, and that’s not how I want to spend my time right now. Chrissy, this…this thing I have…it’s gonna hurt real bad. But it doesn’t have to hurt as bad as you’re making it. Go find him. Go find something to make you whole. You’re gonna need something other than vodka to get you through your tough times.”
My moment with Kelly on her porch wasn’t just something I waited months for…it was something I waited almost eighteen years for. She laboriously lifts herself up to go back inside. Just before she reaches the door, I give the hem of her overalls one last tug.
“I love you, Kelly.”
“I know, I know…I love you, too. Now get out of here before I call the cops. You look like a Goddamn stalker.”
If this is where memories are made, well
Gonna like what I see…
And everything I ever took for granted
I’m gonna let it be
(Central Reservation/Beth Orton)