Lo Siento
June, 1999
The day has finally arrived: Leo’s college graduation! And in addition to celebrating that gigantic accomplishment, it’s also his twenty-fourth birthday. We’re gonna do a lot of celebrating today, and then later tonight when we’re back at my cottage, he’s gonna tell me which job he decided to take. I’m excited and nervous all at the same time! I’m excited that I’m no longer dating a poor rock yard working college guy, but I’m nervous that my new investment banker boyfriend might be going to New York and taking his new money with him. Friggin’ Taddeo’s been putting the pressure on him to take the Lehman Bother’s job and his messages have been ruthless.
“Dude, you gotta come to New York! You can’t pass up an opportunity to work at the top of the World Trade Center. Are you kidding me?”
“Dude, she left you like a million times. It’s your turn now, just see what happens!”
“Dude, I just signed a lease on a killer place. You’re gonna live with me and we’re gonna go crazy in this city. Blehhhhh!”
I also keep telling myself that if he goes, I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay.
It’s an exceptionally hot June day, around a hundred and five degrees, and I’m sweating my ass off in the bleachers of the St. Mary’s stadium with Leo’s family. I marvel at how perfectly I fit in with them. They’re dysfunctional as all hell, but they acknowledge it and make fun of themselves. Refreshing! Leo told all of them about my divorce (gulp) and the only thing his mom said to me was, “Hunny, I waited until I was fifty to get a divorce and trust me, sooner rather than later is best.” She’s a real fire cracker. I notice a tattoo on the ankle of one of Leo’s brothers and think back to the night at Buckley’s when he told me how stupid he thought it was. My God, that was a year and a half ago. I’m thrilled that Leo’s family came together on this really hot day to watch him get what he’s worked so hard for and, despite how much he complains about them, I think he is too. For a second, it makes me sad all over again for Kurt that his family missed his college graduation. I remember him sitting amongst the other graduates with his cap and gown and his huge smile, feeling so proud that he was the first ever Gibbons to receive a college diploma. I stood up to wave, and when I got his attention his smile slowly vanished when he realized his family was nowhere around me. I push the sadness out of my mind as quickly as it enters it. He chose not to let it bother him, so I have to stop letting it bother me.
Finally the graduates make their way onto the grassy field, and I immediately notice Leo. He’s a good two inches taller than everyone else. He gazes up into the jam-packed bleachers, and I watch him as he scans each and every row…he’s looking for me. Instead of standing up and yelling his name, I sit and soak up the intensity of his search. After a few minutes of treasuring his determination, I will him to find me and just like the night at Buckley’s, he does. When our eyes meet, we smile at each other and through my tear-stained eyes, I mouth the words, “You did it.” Through his own, he says, “We did it.”
When Leo left Cal Poly, he took so many huge, scary, and expensive steps backwards to fulfill his dream of becoming an investment banker and the move set him back a good two years. When his friends graduated on time and started making real cash, he was shoveling rocks and dirt into the backs of other people’s trucks, making just enough money to cover the part of his rent and tuition that his grandparents couldn’t.
While Taddeo was feasting on lobster at Tavern on the Green, Leo was surviving on Top Raman. What I think is the most distressing of all of his sacrifices is that he hasn’t bought a single article of clothing in over TWO YEARS!!!!!!!!!!! It’s all amazing stuff, but the most amazing thing about the last two years of Leo’s life was that he didn’t complain about it. He once said to me, “If this is the hardest thing I ever have to do, I’m lucky to get it over with when I’m so young.”
Looking at him now, sitting in his seat with his head resting on his hands and his gaze towards the ground, I can only imagine what’s going through his mind. As proud as we all are of him, it can’t come close to how proud he must be of himself for fulfilling a dream. It inspires me to fulfill mine too. I want a fresh start, I want it with Leo, and I want it now! I want it to really mean something when he says the words, “We did it.” Just as Leo’s crossing the stage to receive his diploma, I walk to the back of the stadium, pick up my cell phone and call Kurt. I get his voicemail.
“Kurt, it’s me. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going on vacation and when I get back, I’m filing for divorce. I’m sorry to tell you like this, I just didn’t…I just didn’t…know how else to do it.”
Gazing over at Leo’s sixty-something-year-old mom, I think, if getting a divorce is the hardest thing I ever have to do, I’m lucky to get it over with when I’m so young…and without kids. I’m ready.
I felt a huge sense of relief after leaving the message, and the rest of the day Leo and I celebrate at the Mexican fiesta his mom throws for him. For once, I feel twenty-nine instead of forty-nine and as we swim, kiss, and drink margarita after margarita, Leo and I talk non-stop about the trip we’re scheduled to depart on the day after tomorrow. It seems like both of our dreams are about to come true, and like a couple of fools in love, we say goodbye to everyone at midnight and giggle our way back to my cottage.
“Baby, I can’t believe I’m finally done with college, I’m with you, and I have my dream job ahead of me. This is unbelievable, it’s like I have to pinch myself to make sure it’s all real.”
“You deserve all of it. But here, let me pinch you just so you know for sure!”
I jump on top of him and start kissing him with every ounce of love I have inside of me. It’s ironic that I’m finally on my way to being single and he might leave to take a job in New York. Well, it’s more bullshit than it is ironic really, but I only have myself to blame for New York even being a consideration. It was on our last “break” that Taddeo talked him into applying for a position at Lehman Brothers.
“I’m gonna accept one of the offers before we leave for Mexico on Monday.”
Oh God, here we go.
“Oh, and I have a surprise for you after I tell you which job I picked.”
“A surprise for me?”
“Yeah and I’m even more excited about that than my job.”
“So… tell me!”
It wasn’t the phone ringing that alarmed us so much; it was that it was ringing at one in the morning. Being the drunk fool that I am, I answer it. Damn those margarita’s! I totally forgot about the message I left for Kurt hours earlier but the minute I heard his voice, I sure remembered.
“Chrissy, we have to talk. NOW!”
Uh-oh…maybe dropping that bomb on Leo’s big day was a mistake.
“Why would you say all of that, in a message?”
Man he sounds bad. But I have to keep this low key or else Leo’s gonna freak.
“Can I call you in the morning?”
“ARE YOU F*ckING KIDDING ME!?”
Oh crap.
“I’m gonna have to call you back in a minute… uh-huh…I promise, one minute.”
Even though I can tell he already knows the answer, Leo asks anyway.
“Who was that?”
My look confirms his suspicion.
“For some reason that guy doesn’t get it that the two of you are over.”
I want to tell him there’s a reason Kurt thinks that, but now’s not the time. It’s an important day for him.
“What the hell did he want?”
“I don’t know, but I have to call him back.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No. I’m sorry, Leo. He’s really upset about something and I can’t just blow him off.”
“But you can blow me off?”
“I’m not blowing you off! I’m here with you, we’re going to Mexico the day after tomorrow, I want to be with you…forever.”
“If you want to be with me forever, you better not call him back.”
I’m flattered by his jealousy and shocked by his threat all at the same time. If I hadn’t just told Kurt I want a divorce, I’d be leaning more toward the flattery side, pounce on him, and have massive sex, but Kurt may just get in his car and drive over here if I don’t call him back. I’m gonna have to react according to what’s gonna get me on the phone as quickly as possible in order to avoid a face-to-face meeting between these two guys. Queue shocked.
“I have to call him back! We’re in the middle of a divorce!”
“Right, so what the hell is there to talk about?”
Good point. F*ck!
“You wouldn’t understand. You’ve never been married!”
“No, but I’ve been in love, and I wouldn’t blow off the person I’m in love with.”
“I’M NOT BLOWING YOU OFF!”
“Who’s it gonna be, Chrissy, me or him?”
“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”
“I’m doing this to you? You sure you wanna go there?”
“Leo, I’ve done horrible things to that man!”
“YOU’VE DONE HORRIBLE THINGS TO THIS MAN!”
Again, good point. Jesus, he should’ve been a lawyer instead of an investment banker.
“Look, you might despise him because he didn’t take care of me the way you would’ve, but he did the best he could. And for most of the time I was with him, I made him think his best was good enough. None of this is his fault, and I’m not gonna be mean to him just because I fell ass backwards into your lap at some bar!”
Oopsy. I think I just ruined graduation night.
“Hey, I didn’t ask you to talk to me at Buckley’s! I was willing to let you walk away, remember?”
“Here’s a good idea, let me walk away now!”
I slam the door to my bedroom and pick up the phone to call Kurt back. But before I start dialing, I press my ear up to the wall to see if I can figure out what Leo’s doing. Silence. The line rings only once before Kurt picks up.
“Chrissy, what the hell, divorce?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s all you have to say?”
“I’m sorry, Kurt. I don’t know what else to tell you. I guess that’s why I left it on your machine.”
“My family doesn’t even know we’re…what am I gonna tell them?”
“It’s your choice how you want to handle it.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“One day, when you’re far away from all of this, it’ll all make sense.”
“Are those Dr. Maria’s words or yours?!”
“Kurt, I gotta go. We can talk more when I get back from Mexico.”
“Who the hell are you going to Mexico with?”
Remember Chrissy…no more lies!
“I’m going with that guy, the one I’m sort of dating.” That sounded plain old icky.
“But Kurt, don’t freak out, it’s no big deal.”
“NO BIG DEAL?! Are you serious about this guy?”
Here’s the thing. Since I met Leo, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m not leaving Kurt for him, I’m leaving Kurt for myself. And even though all of my failed attempts to break it off with Leo prove otherwise, it’s the truth; I’m leaving Kurt so that I can be free to fulfill my dreams, if Leo’s a part of those dreams…great. If he’s not, I’ll be better off alone than I’ll ever be if I stay married to Kurt. I’d like to tell Kurt I’m serious about Leo because I’m tired of hiding and pretending, but if I do, he’ll ignore all the real reasons I told him this happened to us. Kurt can call me a quitter all he wants, I just want him to be as knowledgeable as possible about why I quit. I CANNOT have Leo be a distraction from the truth.
“No, I’m not serious about him! It’s just a trip to Mexico with a group of people and he’ll be there too.”
“He’s gonna try to sleep with you! What are you gonna do when that happens?”
“I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself.”
“But I don’t want you to be in the position to have to say no to him. I’m not gonna get off the phone until you promise me you’re not gonna go to Mexico.”
“Kurt, I paid for the trip and I’m going.”
“Chrissy, it’s not too late for us to fix whatever mistakes we made, but if you go on this trip, it will be.”
The only way he’ll recognize it’s too late to fix us is if I do go to Mexico.
“Babe, don’t be stupid about this.”
“Kurt, I… I…”
“You what?”
Hold on, that wasn’t Kurt’s voice. Oh my God, is Leo on the phone?
“Who the hell was that, Chrissy?!”
Very slowly, with the receiver glued to my head, I open my bedroom door and peak around the corner to find Leo in the kitchen holding the other receiver. His eyes are cold and violent and they’re glaring right at me.
“Go ahead and tell him who it is, Babe. Wait, before you do that, why don’t you tell your husband if you guys can be fixed.”
“Hey a*shole, don’t talk to my wife like that.”
“Hey a*shole, you’ve been talking to her like that for years.”
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
“Are you the f*cker who thinks he’s going to Mexico with my wife?”
“Listen to you…my wife, my wife. Last I heard she wasn’t your wife anymore.”
Oh shit, I gotta put a stop to this.
“Hold on a sec, guys! Can we just hang up and…”
“F*ck you! You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Up until today I thought we were trying to work things out! Chrissy, I’m on my way over there, and when I get there, that punk better be gone.
Chrissy? You hear me? Chrissy?!”
Leo slowly places the receiver on the counter, tilts his head to the side and glares at me. He looks like Charles Manson…no wait…Mike Tyson. This is NOT gonna end well.
“You were working things out?”
I am so busted.
“Leo, calm down. I told you I needed to take this slow.”
“How can he think you’re working things out when you told me you already filed for divorce?”
I finally did the hard part by telling Kurt about a divorce this afternoon. Everything after that was supposed to be easy…except I hadn’t figured out how I was gonna explain the year long delay to Leo yet. I thought I had at least a week to work out the logistics of that.
Leo walks up to me and stands about an inch away from my face. It actually makes me flinch a little. Dear Lord Jesus that I don’t believe in, please don’t let me end up like Nicole Brown Simpson tonight.
“He has no idea who I am, does he?”
Shaking my head.
“He has no clue you’re anywhere near divorce, does he?”
Still shaking my head. He’s literally scaring me straight.
“WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO ME?!”
“Leo, wait! I’ve been trying to be sensitive to the situation, but I realize I’ve made a much bigger mess of things than…”
“Sensitive? F*ck you! You’ve been manipulative and you’ve been jerking me around for almost two years. You knew exactly what you were doing, and now I do too. There’s no Mexico, there’s no more us.
Do you understand?!”
“Wait, please don’t go. I can fix this!”
I grab his arm as he attempts to leave. His muscle is flexed crazy huge and it scares me just as much as his eyes.
“Leo, please… I’m almost free to be with you.” He jerks his arm away from me.
“You’ll never be with me.”
“Please don’t say that, I love you.”
“Do you know how hard I worked for this day? DO YOU?”
“I know and I’m…”
I’m hysterically crying but that doesn’t stop him from continuing to beat me down.
“You know what, Chrissy, I was gonna take the Robertson Stevens job. I even found an apartment in San Francisco that I wanted us to move into, and I was gonna take you to see it tomorrow. I wanted to start a life with you and give you everything you ever wanted because that’s what I thought you’ve already given me. But you’ve done nothing but suck away two years of my life. I changed my mind, I’m taking the Lehman job. I’m going to New York so I can be as far away from you as possible. Stay married to that guy, for all I care.”
After he slams the door, and I hear his car peel away, I fall to the floor in absolute horror. It’s over, I’ve been exposed. If it wasn’t for the hard knock at the door fifteen minutes later, I’d probably still be sitting there in shock. “Oh thank God!” I scramble to the door in a sort of half crawl jog motion and fling it open, hoping to be scooped up by Leo and carried to my bed.
“This little marriage hiatus you’ve been on is over. We’re packing this place up tomorrow, and you’re coming home so we can actually try to put this relationship back together.”
Deflated, exhausted, and crushed, I close my eyes and exhale when I address him .
“I am home, Kurt.”
“Goddamn it, would you stop this already!”
“I have an attorney, and if you want to end this amicably, she’s willing to represent both of us. I’ll have her draw up the papers and you can decide what you want to do after you read them. Good night.”
I slump down the back of the closed door and similar to what some say happens in death, the happiest moments that I shared with Kurt and Leo start to flash through my mind. The visions are a jumbled mess, but each one is as crystal clear as the pain I feel in my heart right now: my first official date to the ice cream parlor with Kurt when I was sixteen, sitting on the barstool next to Leo the night I met him, getting the keys to my first dilapidated home with Kurt, standing in the rain searching for Leo the day after I met him, my first camping trip with Kurt, making out with Leo at The Sweetwater Saloon, the day at the beach when Kurt asked me to marry him, the trip to Banana Republic when Leo bought me my ring, the day Kurt and I got our dog, the night I completely gave myself to Leo, my beautiful wedding day, slamming into Leo at The Red Devil Lounge, the first time I held Kurt’s hand, when Leo’s hand reached out to grab his college diploma.
“I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay.”
I crawl over to the two glasses of champagne I poured an hour ago.
“Here’s to goodbye.”
Tomorrow’s gonna hurt real bad.