Holy F***ing Shit!
December, 1998
“Chrissy, you in there?”
The pounding on my front door jolts me off of the counter-top.
“Oh my God!” Wide-eyed and in total shock, I grab Leo’s shoulders in a failed attempt to keep him from freaking out.
“Who the f*ck is that?”
“Okay, Leo…you need to stay calm.”
“No I don’t.”
“No, you do. Promise me you’ll stay calm.” It’s useless. He’s a deranged lunatic.
“Tell me who it is, Chrissy.”
The knocking is so hard, the walls are vibrating.
“Chrissy, I see your car, and I can hear you in there. Open the door!”
Holy f*cking shit, holy f*cking shit, holy f*cking shit! I frantically scoop up my clothes and scramble to come up with an explanation for who’s at the door, but it’s pointless, there’s no way outta this. I grab Leo’s arms as if I can actually prevent him from doing anything, and then I drop the bomb on him.
“It’s Kurt. But wait! I can explain everything. Please, I’m begging you to stay calm.”
“I’m gonna kill this guy! You’re back in my life for like thirty seconds and SURPRISE, so is he! What the hell?”
As I reach down to pick up one last article of clothing, Leo bolts for the door. I grab his leg, because frankly there isn’t much more to grab onto. The dude’s naked.
“No, you’re not gonna kill anyone! Please Leo, he’s not who you think he is! Please, please, please just go in my room, and I’ll be there in a minute to explain.”
Reluctantly he picks his pants up off the floor. “If you’re not in to get me in five minutes, I’m gonna f*cking freak out.”
Once I’m sure he’s tucked away in my room, I grab my robe, take a deep breath and open the door.
“What’s going on, Kurt, it’s ten-thirty?”
I sound like I’m tired and mad, but the truth is, I’m not really sure what to feel about him being here. It’s the first time since I moved out that he’s made the effort to show up.
“Look, you made your point, and I get it. I’ll go to therapy…just come home.”
Kurt’s not a drinker, but I can tell he’s had a few tonight. “It’s not a good time right now, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Let me come in and talk to you.”
He’s not budging. I’m gonna have to tell him something so atrocious that he’ll want to get as far away from me as possible. And I have to do it quickly because the clock’s ticking on Leo’s patience. This isn’t what I had planned… but I have to do it, AND NOW!
“I’m seeing someone else, Kurt.”
Holy f*cking shit, holy f*cking shit, holy f*cking shit! It’s out! The line has officially been crossed. I never thought about what this moment would feel like because, ever since I met Leo I planned for him to stay on the side of the line that remained a secret. I thought that somehow I could lock him up in my heart long enough to avoid the horror of this moment. I wanted to divorce Kurt for all of the reasons I told him I wasn’t happy, because, after all, those are the real reasons. I never wanted him to have my unfaithfulness to blame things on. But now, there’s no erasing the impurity I just admittedly scribbled onto what was once an enviable relationship, and surely it will go down as the reason Kurt and Chrissy didn’t work out.
“What are you talking about?”
He’s running his fingers through his hair and pacing back and forth on my small porch. Couple it with Leo’s pacing in the room behind me and it feels like I’m surrounded by a pack of angry wolves.
“And, I think you should see other people, too.”
Of course, I don’t want him to. I want him to sulk about me the rest of his life, but I have to be realistic.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this to us!”
And that’s how this marriage will go down. We’re irrevocably shattered, and it will always be because of what I did to us. Everyone will say we could’ve solved our problems if I didn’t decide to see other people. No matter how much I try to justify my actions, there’s no fixing adultery, and that’s what will always make me the bad guy. It’s time I accept my fate.
“I’m sorry for my part of our situation.”
“Your part?! You’re part is the situation! I didn’t tell you to go to therapy. I didn’t tell you to move out. I didn’t tell you to date other people. You did all of that stuff on your own. You made this marriage what it is. F*ck, what is it, anyway?”
“Kurt…please just go.”
“IS THE GUY HERE!?”
“No! God, no!”
Then, there they were, the tears I doubted existed.
“What happened to you, Chrissy?”
With more hate in his eyes than I’ve ever seen, he accuses me of being the thing he knows will hurt me the most.
“You’re a quitter.”
With more strength that I ever thought I was capable of, I place my hand on his chest and softly nudge him back.
“Actually, I’m just trying to survive.”
And with that, I close the door on him and all hope of our happily-ever-after life together. I watch through the window as he circles his car a few times, mumbles something, and then finally gets in and drives away. My heart is breaking for the both of us, and I hate that he’s alone, and dare I think…confused. For a split second I want to chase him down. I open the door but quickly close it again. “I won’t live my life like Francesca!” And then just like her, but with a completely different outcome, I take my hand off of the door handle. Doing that to Kurt was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Now I’m about to do the second hardest thing.
Leo’s dressed and ready for battle when I open the door to my bedroom.
“This is bullshit! Every single time you walk into my life, he does too. When’s it gonna end?”
“Leo, I have something to tell you, and if you thought you hated me after the surprise party, you’re really gonna hate me now.”
He follows me to the couch and sits beside me. I start shaking, I mean really shaking.
“I don’t know if I can tell you this. It’s really, really bad.”
My jibber jabber of how horrible a person I am goes on for like ten minutes, and it would’ve gone on much longer if he didn’t pull me onto his lap.
“Just tell me.”
“I can’t. I’m so afraid of how you’ll react.”
“Are you gonna leave again?”
“I don’t want to.”
“Then I can handle it.”
“I lied to you. I’m not who you think I am.”
He pulls back about an inch and looks instantly nervous.
“Leo, what’s the most horrible thing you could possibly imagine about me?”
“Jesus, are you dying?”
Wow, it’s so sweet that he really did go to the most horrible thing imaginable.
“No, I’m not dying.”
“Chrissy, this is killing me. Just tell me.”
“I can’t, because when I do, you’ll never look at me like you are right now. Worse, you’ll walk out the door.”
“You’re the one who keeps leaving, not me.”
“I lied to you real bad, and I know how much you hate liars.”
“Is it something you think I can get over?”
“No, what I did is unforgivable.”
“Let me be the judge.”
“Leo…I didn’t think this…you and me…would turn into anything real when I sat next to you at Buckley’s that night. I didn’t think I was gonna fall in love with you so hard and so fast. I didn’t think you were gonna be the best thing to ever happen to me…I wanted to believe I already had it.”
He looks confused. Here it goes.
“I was never engaged. Well, I mean, I was at one time.”
He still can’t see it coming. Time to end the insanity.
“Please don’t hate me.” Deep breathe in. “Kurt’s my husband.”
Everything’s finally out. Kurt knows where my heart is, and Leo knows where it’s been. Let the chips fall where they may. One thing’s for sure, I’m never gonna tell another lie.
“Please say something.”
“It’s over, right?”
Okay, that was NOT what I was expecting him to say.
“Yes.”
“And you’re getting a divorce?”
“Yes.”
“It’s gotta be final soon then, right?”
Uh-oh.
“What do you mean?”
“We met almost a year ago. How long can it possibly take?”
Son of a bitch.
“Should be final in a few months.”
Honest livin’ sure was fun for the ten seconds I experienced it.