The Texas Renegade Returns

Thursday, March 13

Fourth Squad

There was an email from Ruuel when I woke: "We'll be combining this test with productive work, so be prepared for an extended session."

Given how sore my legs were after all those stairs yesterday, my first reaction was to use what Dad would call "ripe and illustrative words". But I decided it was a good thing. Setari exploring the Ena aren't going to be the slightest bit interested in my internal monologue.

The contrast between my last squad testing session and this one was massive, but it started out almost identically, with Fourth Squad standing in a circle in the middle of the same test room. The difference being that as soon as I walked into the room, Ruuel brought me into a squad channel and began the briefing, moving so that his back was no longer turned toward me. Tiny things, but underpinning a vastly different attitude.

"We'll test in the same order that we will rotate enhancement, starting from myself to Sonn, then Auron, Ferus, Halla, Eyse. Ferus, you'll be primarily responsible for ensuring Devlin's safety, with Auron as your flank. You've observed the techniques Spel used to bypass the resistance to enhanced Telekinesis and Levitation. We'll save testing Combat Sight and Speed for the combat simulation rather than individually, and concentrate on the attack elements. Devlin, report any new or unusual reactions immediately."

Ruuel would have been a disconcerting team captain to start out with: he basically sets the bar high and expects you to get over it. I suppose he would have taken it slower if I hadn't worked with First Squad already, but he sure likes to get through things quickly, testing unenhanced Levitation, Telekinesis and Light talents and then enhancing and going through them again in less than a minute. Unenhanced he can lift maybe a hundred kilos, and enhanced about four times that. With his Light talent he created a curving spike from his arm, much the same as the nanoliquid swords. Enhanced it distorted the same way as Mara's whip, shifting colour and becoming more intense, but not too spectacularly different.

It's more interesting for me doing these tests now that I can look up squad information before each person tests. Fourth Squad is evenly broken into guys and girls. The girls are Fiar Sonn (primaries of Ena Manipulation, Combat Sight and Electricity), Charan Halla (Place Sight, Gate Sight) and Mori Eyse (Path Sight, Combat Sight, Teleportation). My two minders are both guys. Par Auron is very tall, about six foot four, with primaries of Path Sight, Gate Sight and Levitation. Glade Ferus is my height, with primaries of Telekinesis, Combat Sight, Symbol Sight and Speed. They both have minors of Ice and Fire and I get a bit of a buddy sense from them.

Personality-wise, there was no-one outstandingly off-putting. Ferus has an evil gleam in his eyes occasionally: not nasty, but I bet he gets up to mischief when he's not on mission log. Auron seems quiet and calm. Sonn is serious with an impatient overtone. I found Eyse interesting: she smiled at me once, a nice wry smile. I guarantee she has a sense of humour. Halla I haven't figured out. She had a bit of an edge, but not directed at me I think. Overall, although they were nowhere near as open and warm as First Squad, Fourth's one of the easiest squads I've worked with. I think because they all treated me like a visiting consultant or something. Like I understood what was going on.


Nils from Second Squad showed up while we were still testing the 'elemental talents'. I still haven't decided how serious the thing is between Nils and Zee. Or what I think about Nils, who does a good impression of a walking sex-god. While the last of the elemental testing was going on he kept leaning down and telling me completely innocuous things in this incredibly husky voice, totally doing it to see if he could make me blush. I don't think I'll ever be gladder that Ruuel seems to think that one minute is the maximum time needed to master any new skill, and that he soon sent Nils over to one side to summon illusions for Fourth Squad to chase.

Having Ferus cart me about with Telekinesis is not at all the same as Ketzaren doing it, and I probably would have been more embarrassed about that if I wasn't so relieved not to be at Nils' mercy any more. Ruuel took more time and was far more exacting about getting everyone used to working with me and the rotations of enhancement in combat, but he still decided we were ready to go into the Ena in under an hour. By then I wasn't nervous about it. It was obvious they were as totally professional as First Squad, and that Ruuel hadn't allotted himself enough time to study me for signs of awkward lust.

We kitted up at Red Lock. Getting ready to go into the Ena involves grabbing a little food and drink, a tiny med-kit, and one of the breathers in case of water-logged spaces. And going to the loo. I have no idea whether it's considered a bad idea to go in the spaces, but given the mission log I'm sure everyone wants to avoid the need, so it's part of the ritual of 'gearing up'.

"We will be mapping the gates off the new High Forest space," Ruuel said, once everyone was ready. "Additionally, we will see whether Devlin's enhancements will bring us any closer to relocating Columns, or a reliable path to Hasata. This is still a test situation. Do not push limits."

High Forest space is beautiful. Really. Tall, slender trunks, branches soaring far overhead, silvery leaves drifting down to form a shushing carpet. And, although I suppose someone might have killed them earlier, it doesn't seem like it's inhabited by any Ionoth. There's a ton of gates leading off it, and I think the idea was supposed to be that we document where each of them led, but Auron, who is the strongest Path Sight talent in Fourth Squad, said he had a suspicion of a short line to Unara, and so we went off through a very low gate onto a rocky path winding up a hill (my aching legs!). Just like with First Squad, Ruuel and Sonn go through the gate first as a pair, and the rest of us can't go through until they've signalled us. With the hill space, Ruuel signalled us through straight away. There were things there a lot like wargs, six of them in all, and they looked strong, but they weren't nearly fast enough. Fourth Squad seems to prefer using close-combat methods.

After Auron found the next gate he was looking for, Fourth paused to survey the hill space and the other gates leading out of it, and Sonn used Ena Manipulation to ensure the gate we'd passed through and the one we were going to pass through were absolutely solid. The next space was a cliff-top beside an angry ocean, and full of weather, grey and pounding wet. That was a quick signal through and then a slog through damp bushes. There were Ionoth there, misty grey horses which ran off as we approached, but though Fourth Squad were very alert, there was nothing that they seemed inclined to slaughter.

The gate Auron took us to was a new type for me. It was as vague and unreal as the horses and you couldn't really see through it, except in occasional flickers showing the outline of buildings.

"Phasic," Auron said. "I've never managed to track through one before." And he gave me this solemn sort of nod which was more successful at making me go red than all Nils' teasing.

Then it was Sonn's turn, enhancing and frowning at the gate. Phasic gates aren't steadily aligned, and thus are only open in short bursts. Sonn frowned at it for a short age, nearly collapsing in the process, but looked pleased with herself when she was rewarded with a clear view into Unara's near-space. Ruuel had Ferus pair with him to go through since Sonn was so clearly drained, and then signalled us through again, out of the downpour.

Leaving Sonn and Auron guarding me, the other four went hunting, tracking down a number of Ionoth in the area. I stood about and dripped and tried to picture the people who owned the apartment we were standing in.

When they were back, Ruuel checked the status of the gate once again, then said: "We'll retrace now. A good result." I swear, he talks like he's being charged a dollar a word. But that judicious dollop of approval succeeded in making his whole squad, even me, stand a little straighter.

At least, with Fourth Squad being dauntingly competent, I didn't have a lot of time to fret about crushes. Other than sending me off to medical afterwards, Ruuel failed to do anything to either make me dislike him or fall at his feet, and I ended up focused on business. I really did like when he said it was a good result, though.

Friday, March 14

Planning an outing

Today while I was swimming I was brought into a meeting channel by Isten Notra. "Just listen," said her invitation text, so that's what I did, floating slowly about the pool.

There were about twenty people in the channel, most of them people I'd never even seen their names before. But also Maze, Ruuel, Taarel and Selkie.

Someone had been speaking when I joined, but stopped abruptly and said: "Notra–" in a protesting tone.

"Since our young ally's contribution will be central to this venture, it's best to keep her abreast of the issues, don't you agree, Minera?" Isten Notra said, sounding like she was having fun. "Do you wish to speak further, or shall we move on to the question of numbers?"

"Sentimentality mixes badly with survival, Notra," said the one called Minera, but then shut up.

"It can only be a large force," someone else said. "When small forces have been attacked, they've been destroyed completely. Larger contingents are rarely without survivors."

The meeting went on for ages, and I'm too tired to write even a tenth of it. They were planning an expedition to Muina to investigate the aether-making, and were trying to work out a way to do it without everyone, particularly me, dying. Especially since one of the things they wanted to investigate was why the aether/Muina/whatever doesn't 'hate' me. Eventually they decided on four squads – risking both of the exploration squads, which was another argument in itself – with only a small contingent of greensuits. From a few of Selkie's comments, he thought it likely the Setari would end up protecting the greensuits rather than the other way around.

After I'd told them about the aether they had sent a lightning-quick expedition of greysuits and greensuits to set out a few scanning drones at my village, very carefully timed to try and avoid them all being destroyed, and won themselves lots of nice footage and readings of a moonfall, which were transmitted through today. Now that the Setari have nearly stabilised the situation with Tare's neighbouring spaces, KOTIS is planning the first extended expedition to Muina in years, with a day-trip excursion in three days, and then another two days before the next moonfall. They're also searching their satellite scans for any other settlements which have the same circle patterns on the roofs, and have found one already.

When they were done, Isten Notra asked me on a private channel why I hadn't provided her with any comments on the reports and when I explained that I hadn't found anything to say told me to always keep the question in mind, and to not be backward in passing on observations during the upcoming expedition.


Afterwards I talked to Maze, but didn't ask directly about what they'd been discussing before I'd been brought into the meeting. Isten Notra had shown me that they definitely were arguing about my irreplaceability, which I guess also means there's not yet little copies of me growing in a vat somewhere. She was underlining a point, calling me an ally. I'm lucky she seems to have decided to defend me.

Or maybe Isten Notra just understands that I really would try to leave, no matter how dangerous my jaunts are, if I believed that's what they were doing. Making Muina safe is a far bigger thing than me being able to increase the strength of a handful of Setari, and I'm willing to help however I can, but just me. Letting them make copies of me, or try to breed little amplifying tools, that would be a moral failure on my part.

That sounds ridiculous and weird. But I know it's something I couldn't put up with.

Saturday, March 15

Rain thoughts

The weather outside was finally calm enough that I could go up to the roof today after another morning of being zonked out with aether testing. Tare really is prone to horrible weather so it's no wonder the Muinans arriving here had such a struggle: constant cyclone-level storms made surface-dwelling almost impossible. It was still windy and spattering occasional raindrops when I went up, but nothing so bad I couldn't enjoy it.

I'd managed not to think particularly of Ruuel for the whole of yesterday, but I dreamed about him last night, and the rain reminded me of the dream, which had been of a moment during that session with Fourth. So easy to look up my log, to go back to a brief glance I'd taken of him while Sonn was working on the phasic gate. He was in profile to me, gazing out into the greyness – looking at one of the Ionoth horses – with the rain pouring down his face and his hands loose at his sides. Ungodly beautiful.

As crushes go, this one's starting to verge on girly-obsession.

It's really interesting comparing how I write about Ruuel now to the first few times I saw him. I didn't mention his looks at all, except in passing, but it's not like I didn't notice what he looked like. Well, maybe back on Muina I didn't, since the light wasn't good and I was just so overwhelmed by the sheer fact that there were people. When I saw him and Taarel together, I thought them both very good-looking, but only really focused on her. He surely can't be steadily getting prettier. Is it just that I like him more each time I see him, or wasn't I paying proper attention before?

His eyes are his most dominant feature, dark and clearly drawn. His face is delicate around the temples, and he has a clean, not very heavy jaw line. Arched brows, better shaped than mine, which is unfair. He keeps his hair clipped short, shaped to his skull. A swimmer's build, lean and not heavily muscled, with wide shoulders. I think I like his hands best. Last night was the second time I've dreamed about him, and both times have been about his hands in some way, about how careful he is not to touch things, and how precisely and sparingly he moves.

I think maybe I understand a little more why I'm stuck on someone who is really not my type, and who has barely spoken to me. Not just that he's good-looking and dangerous, though I expect that helps. Not that he was professional during the testing session, or even that he crossed thirteen spaces to save my life. I think it's because of the way he behaved when he caught up with me. He didn't treat me as stupid, just told me what would happen if I tore a hole into Earth's real-space, and let me make my choices about it. Nor did he tell me to hurry up, giving me the time to say goodbye. I don't know if he was being considerate, or thought that the best way to handle my 'psychological aspects', but I appreciated it.

Once I'd had my fill of gazing at Ruuel-in-the-rain, I reviewed his report from that session. I quite like reading reports for the missions I've been on, though I avoid viewing the log extracts overmuch. It still seems too invasive to peer through someone else's eyes, for all that it's a fact of life for everyone here. After a lot of debate, I did play the hypocrite and access Ruuel's attached log, skipping to that same scene and looking through his eyes at the Ionoth horses, trailing streams of invisible light which curled and plumed like an impossible mane behind them. All those Sights. Then I went back to the very beginning of the testing session, and saw that he'd started the mission log from just before I walked in the room. I watched for a few minutes, up until Nils arrived, and gave up at a point where Ruuel was looking at me. Nils was talking, bending toward me, and I was obviously squirming, giving him an irritated, amused glance, face red.

I looked very human. Not too bad, I guess, but...mortal. And writing that pisses me off. These people aren't gods. Heroes, maybe. Asses, quite a few of them. Soldiers. Killers. Specialists.

And I'm a very useful stray. I have to remember that Ruuel was just as ready to call me 'stray' as those idiots from Fifth and Seventh. I don't even use his first name in a diary written in a language that only I understand because, well, he hasn't given it to me to use. Even with First Squad – gods, Maze was in a meeting where they were discussing breeding me or something. So was Ruuel. Even if I can manage to learn this language enough to stop sounding ridiculous and they can better understand the kind of person I am, they have no choice but to always treat me as 'the useful stray' above everything else, because that's their job. On this planet I will always be more tool than person.

I've put off any attempt to cut and run until after they've had a chance to poke me at Muina and see what happens. It just wouldn't be fair of me to go before that. But it's Dad's birthday soon. Easter's coming up. Mother's Day. I've been gone about four months. I think that meeting yesterday upset me more than I realised. I didn't do anything at all today except sit on the roof. And this diary entry sounds like I'm bipolar.

I don't know. I probably should have exercised, so I was too tired to think. It's a pity First Squad is being kept so busy trying to get things back to normal. I miss the training schedule I had with Mara. I need the structure.

Sunday, March 16

Night Visitor

I woke up in the middle of the 'night' because my chest was purring again. I was so glad. Even though it's occurred to me that Ghost might be interested in me for exactly the same reason that the Tarens are, that for all I know I'm enhancing her the same way I do the Setari, I don't care. She doesn't mind if I talk to her in English. And I can hold her and play with her without feeling that she's been assigned to me, or that she's going to write a report about it after. She acts exactly like every other cat I've known, digging claws in inconveniently, chasing bits of paper and all. After a while she bored of me and went away, but I'm pretty sure she'll be back.

Ghost made the rest of the day bearable. Hour upon hour of tests and scans, and the worst medical exams yet. Half-dressed and trying not to cry while a fresh set of greysuits took bone marrow and spinal fluid samples. They mightn't have cloned me yet, but it won't be for lack of material. The greysuits are still trying to figure out what made my interface start growing again, and searching for differences between me and Tarens. Pretty soon they'll have a complete genetic map of me, but they still don't understand why Muina likes me.

I spent the time between whimpering reading up on the cloning debate on Tare. They are really against it, because the clones invariably have shorter life-spans and are prone to sickness. And there's a measurable downgrade of intelligence, too. After a day researching Taren morals and laws, I still can't decide what they might do if the situation grows worse. Tarens don't have any strong belief in a Creator-God, and are split between the idea of planet reverence, or pure scientific evolutionary theory. So they don't have things like the Ten Commandments, of laws which have been handed down from God. Laws are either based on an idea that you must be grateful your planet makes it possible for you to exist, or on a fairly clinical construct of ethics in a functioning society. Funnily enough, most of the laws are very much the same as Earth's, though there's a real emphasis on personal responsibility. 'Social contracts'. Doing what's right for both yourself and for others.


I'm feeling all social contracted out at the moment. My arm and back won't stop aching.

Monday, March 17

Too much aether

Aether sessions in the morning and then late in the afternoon, which meant I didn't really have a day today and now don't feel remotely tired. Which is great given that I'm supposed to go to Muina tomorrow. I'm going to go and swim a thousand laps in the hopes that I can get a few hours sleep afterwards.

Stupid greysuits.

Wednesday, March 19

Loud

We weren't scheduled to leave for Muina until nearly (my) midday. I'd not been sure if I could get any rest before we went, but had abruptly fallen asleep a little before I would usually have had breakfast. I'd set my alarm for a half hour before I was supposed to meet up, but it was maybe an hour before that when Zee sent me an 'override' channel request. The interface tells people if you're asleep, and so when you send them an override, you're deliberately waking them up. I don't remember this conversation at all, but reviewed it later from my ever-present internal log to confirm just how embarrassing it was.

I answered with "Nnngh?"

There was this long pause, then Zee said: "Caszandra? Are you ill?"

"Tired," I said. "Your medics are all sadists." Since I was speaking in English, that was meaningless to her, but I helpfully added in Taren: "Too much profanity aether." Using the Taren word for 'profanity' – I still don't know suitable Taren swear words.

The even longer pause after this gave me an opportunity to fall most of the ways back to sleep, and when she did speak, asking if I thought I needed to go to medical I didn't respond until she repeated herself. And then with more unhelpful English: "No more f*cking tests." But then I woke up a bit more and managed to stick to Taren to say: "Sorry, tired. Is leaving earlier or something?"

"No, we were just going to take you over the ship beforehand, but that can keep. I'll send someone with breakfast for you a zelkasse before we're due out. Go back to sleep."

I seem to have said: "Margle margle," back at her, and have no idea what I was trying to say. When my alarm went off I didn't feel much better, but stumbled into the shower and put it on full-force icy, and was trying to do something with my hair when Lohn and Mara showed up with soup and chewy black bread and a hot, sweet milky drink.

"Nice circles," Lohn said, flicking my cheek. "There's plenty of time to get to the hanger, so don't feel rushed."

"How long flight Muina?"

"Nearly a kasse, if you take into account all the pre-flight fussing and actually getting to the gate and deep-space, and then we have perhaps another kasse getting from the gate point to your village. Maze was planning to use the time for a briefing, but I suspect he'd rather you slept than listened at this point. He'll email you an outline." Lohn grinned, stretching himself out on one of my couches. "I wish I could hear whatever he's saying to Research."

"Three different teams were working with you, two specifically on the aether effect," Mara said. "It had become something of a competition between them. And since Muina expeditions are considered so dangerous, they appear to have felt they should do as much as they could in case they didn't have a chance to test you further."

At that point I only had a vague impression that I'd somehow been swearing at Zee, and asked: "Has First Squad been Muina before?" while I looked back at whatever I'd been saying to her.

"Just once. Even though the Setari have a far better chance of survival than any of the previous expeditions, at the same time we've been considered too valuable to risk. Knowing about the presence of aether is a major step toward understanding at least a few of our losses." Mara shook her head. "It's still a gamble though, and since half the reason we're going is to observe how the planet reacts to you, it really would help if you were more than barely conscious. There'll be some revision of how you're assigned in future to inject some continuity and common sense."

"Don't know why tired," I said. "Sleep all yesterday, should be too awake now." But everything seemed a lot of effort, including trying to speak in the wrong language, so I concentrated on eating and then trying to get my hair less tangled. Lohn chattered along blithely, but I can see in retrospect that he was watching me closely.

We headed down in plenty of time, arriving maybe twenty minutes before the marked boarding time, but I wasn't the least surprised to see a lot of people already there, if not yet on board. Parts of Third, Fourth and Seventh Squad, for once not all standing apart in their own little groups. The ship was either the same or very similar to the one I'd first seen on Muina, with a big boarding ramp lowered, and a bunch of greensuits fussing about.

Eeli from Third bounced over as soon as she saw me, ecstatically happy and enthused about the excursion. I really wasn't equal to dealing with her, the stream of comment and questions washing over me as just noise, and it was only when she paused and Mara said "I'd like to hear that too," that I had any chance of catching up. She'd been fascinated by what I'd said in the Pillar and wanted to hear the rest of the poem.

"After mission?" I offered. "Will try work out translation."

Eeli mainly wanted to hear it in English, apparently, because she wanted to 'feel' it with Symbol Sight, but was satisfied with a promise to recite it on the trip back. Given I was having trouble remembering my own name, multi-stanza poetry in any language just wasn't going to happen. But Lohn and Mara rescued me from further enthusiasm and took me onto the ship, which was called the Litara, only to deliver me up as a sacrifice to Ista Tremmar.

I don't mind Ista Tremmar. She's pretty strict, but nice enough, and not one of the people who had been doing experiments on me. Not lately anyway. She gave me a quick, thorough exam, asking lots of questions about how much I'd been sleeping and when, and what I'd been eating and doing and whether I dreamed after passing out during the aether experiments or felt strange or bothered on days when there wasn't aether experiments.

When Maze arrived I was saying, maybe a bit shortly, that no I didn't think I was addicted to aether.

"Not for want of opportunity it seems," he said. "What's your verdict, Ista?"

"Beyond straightforward exhaustion, and perhaps some mild anaemia, I've found nothing of note. The best I can suggest from Harl and Luar's early results, is that the aether is acting as a stimulant." She turned back to me. "When you lose consciousness under the influence of the aether, your brain activity monitor doesn't show any of the patterns of sleep. Better considered a type of paralysis, perhaps, and though I don't see any record of an energy expenditure analysis being performed, I'd be willing to bet it's more than an 'at rest' state. In the previous tests, you've had the rest of the day for the aether to wear off, and have slept normally. Yesterday would have represented a massive overdose of stimulant, on top of several days of steady exposure. Your system, although not apparently negatively effected by aether, needed to rid itself of the aether's effect before you could sleep, and then of course you crashed quite severely." She switched back to Maze. "I don't see any reason not to go ahead. I'll re-examine her after she's rested, but consider her cleared for duty."

"And even on schedule," Maze said and when Ista Tremmar left looked at me a long moment, then said: "This won't be allowed to happen again, but I will ask that you speak to one of us if you're being pushed unreasonably." He didn't give me a chance to respond, just started walking, gesturing for me to follow. "The only thing I had meant to check, before this happened, was to confirm that you had seen an entrance below the central amphitheatre, but hadn't ventured into it."


"Too dark," I said, shrugging.

"Did you have any sense of threat from it, or the amphitheatre in particular?"

"Amphitheatre where all cats live," I said, pausing in the entrance of a room with the tiered pod-seat things I remembered from my first trip. First and Third Squad were sitting about sideways on the seats with the covers up. "Super feral unfriendly cats. Don't have to worry about petting them."

"I know," Maze said, and gave me one of his awesome smiles. "You won't make the same mistake twice. Get some rest now."

There were only the two chairs still empty, in the corner on our left. I picked the upper tier one, smiling at Zee across the way, and then squirming as the chair began moulding itself around me. I was too tired to care much about anything else, not even that Taarel was watching from the opposite corner. Maze closed the cover of my seat as soon as I lay down, and I pretty much passed out instantly.

Zee woke me up with another override channel request. "Human yet?"

"Maybe half." I started to sit up and almost whacked my head on the seat cover, then finished the movement as Zee opened it.

"Back to medical. I know you're looking forward to that."

"Zee's turn be comedian." I did feel better, though. Groggy, but no longer like I was being sucked down into a black pit. Ista Tremmar looked me over, told me I had to eat a high-energy, high-protein diet until further notice, and pointed the way to the nearest bathroom. Washing my face helped, and Zee nodded approval when I came out.

"Next stop, a little food. We'll be landing in about twelve joden. Read Maze's mission outline first, and let me know if you have any questions."

There's a hundred joden in a kasse, so that was a little over twenty minutes. I just nodded. I was feeling placid, really wanting another day or two of sleep, but willing to go along with whatever was asked of me so long as it didn't require too much thought. I read Maze's email, and Zee's from early that morning about taking a tour of the ship. It really is a big ship, with all those little 'pods' used when travelling through the gate, enough to cover a sizeable greensuit and greysuit complement. There's the infirmary and a kitchen and canteen and laboratories and assembly areas.

The mission was pretty basic. All four squads would go ashore in my town, split into two groups and do an initial reconnoitre and check the drones. I would be with First and Third Squad, answering any questions it occurred to them to ask me, and their Sight talents would be paying a lot of attention to whether there was an unusual reaction from the places around me.

They were very interested in the amphitheatre, but also wary of it since the aether had drained there, so it would be part two of the outing. We'd all meet up there and poke our nose cautiously underneath and see whether anything bit it off. In other words, the mission outline was "wander around looking for anything interesting, try not to get killed".

Four squads makes for a lot of people in the mission channel, along with two non-Setari people staying on the Litara, whose names were Kensan and Tehara. And me. Greensuits ferried us ashore using the hovering sled things before returning to the ship, and I wondered vaguely why they didn't leave any for us to escape with as I followed Ketzaren off onto the rocky bank.

It was the same spot I'd been picked up from – it seemed like an eternity ago – and since Sonn was standing right next to me I caught her eye and said: "Full circle," but though I think she understood what I meant she was being all serious and didn't respond.

Ferus, though, was a different kettle of fish. "What was it you were cooking here?" he asked, nodding at the faint remains of my fires and the three massive flat bowls. "I've often wondered if you could possibly eat that much."

"Boiling wool," I said, shrugging. "Clean it, make blanket." Come to think of it, I don't think I actually cooked anything the entire time I was on Muina. I never managed to catch any fish, or find any eggs. Survivor Cass was barely making a passing grade.

It was colder than it had been when I'd been living there. Autumn-ish, with a sharp wind blowing over the lake which made me gladder than ever that I'd been rescued. If the town has a proper European-type Winter, I would not only have needed a whole lot more wool, I'd be facing some real food challenges.

I've written all of this entry so far without mentioning Ruuel, mainly because I hadn't seen much of him. But he was just a little way down the shore from me then, and said: "No sense of threat," and sometimes I wonder if he goes around deliberately striking dramatic poses, because whenever I let myself look at him he seems to be being particularly photogenic. Though I guess gazing intently into the distance is part of his job description.

"We'll take the half to the left," Maze said. "Be vocal."

I was glad the squads were divided the way they had been. Not so much for controlling my urge to gaze at Ruuel, since I'm more or less managing that, but because that shot Forel from Seventh Squad had taken at Zan was a good way to get me to distrust her totally. Other than looking even more cat-that-got-the-cream than usual, she was being very correct, but I was happy to be with First Squad and Third Squad.

Particularly because Eeli was very fun to watch, so overjoyed at her first time on Muina that she practically vibrated. Occasionally a little comment would burble out, but mostly she was just eyes everywhere. Once, Taarel touched her shoulder and gave her a little smile and she settled down a bit. We walked about the town, not seeing anything other than small abandoned town. Sefen, Third's strongest Place Sight talent, could see only a faint after-image of aether, just a haziness.

I spent the time reminiscing, working on a translation of "Do Not Go Gentle" for later, and wondering if Ruuel was annoyed with himself for not having seen anything significant about this town when they chased the Ddura here.

Maze's 'be vocal' apparently meant to communicate a lot as we explored, but I only heard Forel, Auron and Halla say anything from the other group. Eventually Maze told everyone to return to the shore to collect the new drones they'd left there, and head toward the amphitheatre.

The drone left by greensuits before the last moonfall had exploded. They'd been expecting this, since it wasn't transmitting, but spent a small age doing examinations and taking readings and putting another drone in its place. I watched the cats, which had all retreated to the far side of the amphitheatre and were watching us back, tremendously annoyed.

While Third Squad messed with the remains of the drone, Fourth and Seventh Squad took me down to examine the extra-big central circle. Even enhanced, none of them could make out anything more from it than an after-image of the aether. Having me stand in the middle made no difference.

"Should we clear these animals out?" Tsennan asked.

At the time I just thought he was a gung-ho idiot, and only glanced at him as Sonn straightforwardly said: "No threat." It's only thanks to my ever-present log that a later review gave me a peripheral view of Forel shifting to watch me beforehand. They were seeing if they could get a rise out of me because of Ghost. My log also showed Ruuel turn his head in Forel's direction, but he didn't react otherwise. Still, if I was her I wouldn't play petty games in front of Sight talents. Particularly since she seems pretty keen on making herself look good in front of that particular Sight talent.

The four squad captains on this trip were a soap opera in the making. Forel seems to want to impress Ruuel. Ruuel, well, I don't know for sure, but he seems to spend an awful lot of time with Taarel. I'm trying to pretend that doesn't really mean anything. Taarel, at least that one time while we were out in the city, seems intense about Maze. And Maze isn't playing romance any more.


Not having seen this at the time, I just shrugged off the whole thing and went back to thinking about poetry translations and the embarrassment involved in walking around my town with an escort of twenty-four psychic space ninjas who all seemed to think far more was going to happen than I did. I can't say I ever held great expectations for the outing, given that I'd lived there for a month, and the Setari had already gone over the place, if only casually. I wasn't the least surprised when we all went down underneath the amphitheatre and found no monsters, just a short white corridor which curved down to an empty circular room with a round, thigh-high platform in the middle. I was pondering the less-than-fun prospect of returning to do this again, except with me probably having to get drunk on aether again, when Sefen from Third looked across at Ruuel and said: "I don't even begin to understand what I'm seeing here."

"It feels like a gate," Taarel said. "But–"

"No, not a gate." Ruuel moved to my left and touched my arm, frowning. "Far more complex. The Ena is tangible here."

Maze, who had been toting one of the replacement drones about with Telekinesis, lowered it to the ground by the outer wall. "We did expect to find an outlet for the aether, after all." He checked that the drone was stable and turned it on, verifying with the Litara that the ship was receiving the drone's transmission. "If it's some sort of device in addition to that, what's your evaluation of function?"

There was a bit of shifting about, as the rest of the Place and Symbol Sight talents took the opportunity to enhance themselves and view the platform from different angles. Maze was running scans with the drone. To me it looked like nothing more than a platform: there were even steps up one side.

"Communication," Ruuel said eventually, and there were a few hesitant nods of agreement.

"Getting an aether reading from it," Maze commented, then said over the interface: "Orders?"

The bluesuit in charge, Tehara, said: "Take contact readings, but no more until we return. Analysis of the scans taken in the interim may give us a better idea of how to approach it."

Between them the two Sight squads had four Place Sight talents. "Go unenhanced, Sefen," Taarel said. "We're still not entirely certain if there is any distortion in play for enhanced Sights."

He nodded while the other three – Ruuel, Halla and Marana – made their gloves flow back into the sleeves of their suits. Place Sight talents often go about fully gloved, since touching an object can give them a deeper reading, like when Ruuel was handling my diary back in medical. I've seen enough of The Hidden War now to know that Place Sight talents have a great deal of difficulty with the information they can sense, and avoid accidentally touching people and objects. The actor on the show is always being fraught and sensitive and locked down.

Marana, a short but muscular girl from Third Squad, was first to try, but drew her hand back immediately. "Aether effect," she said, frowning.

Halla and Ruuel both tried, but you could see it was hurting them just pressing their fingers lightly against the stone surface and they quickly stopped.

"Try nullifying the negative effects with Devlin while reading," Taarel suggested, but then she – everyone with Combat Sight – went on alert, saying: "Threat," out loud.

Most of them stepped back away from the platform, creating the nanoliquid blades from their suits. I stepped back as well, aware of Ketzaren and Alay shifting to flank me, and then covered my ears at the sound which followed. Whale song has nothing on it.

"Approaching rapidly," Maze said, fortunately in a pause in the noise. "Overwhelming threat. Get Devlin out of here."

Ketzaren started to move, but Ruuel was faster. He didn't have time to be careful, just grabbed my wrist and yanked me forward, pressing my hand down on the platform. The noise changed, just as loud, but a different pitch, and everyone reacted as if they'd missed being bitten by a shark. Ruuel said something, eyes gone all narrow and extra-black, and I didn't even try and raise my voice to respond, saying: "Can't hear you over Ddura," even as I realised that I was the only one acting like I'd been trapped in a belltower at the wrong moment.

"It's a communication device," came in text through the interface. "Communicate."

The logs attached to the mission report have twenty different views of the look I gave him in response. An "Are you high?" caption would fit it well. I was actually thinking "In whale song?" But what was I going to do? Say no? Especially since everyone was acting as if the shark was circling for another run.

Being suddenly expected to do something instead of standing around was disconcerting to the max. I bought some time closing my eyes and trying to sort out what I was hearing. The Ddura noise was so drawn out and huge it was hard to encompass it. But I was sure it wasn't words, not anything I had a chance of recognising. It was repeating the same long 'hhhhuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaa' over and over. It felt like a question. The Ddura had stopped attacking when I touched the platform and was asking me something. So I tried to guess what an artificially created aurora cloud built to kill monsters would ask someone who showed up and tried to talk to it.

As always it sounded sad, mournful. I had no idea if it really was, or if it that was its noise for growling boisterously, but the idea led to one obvious possibility: everyone on the planet had left. If I thought of it as a big (huge-mungous) dog which had been bred to protect the Muinans, and then abandoned, then it would be all where is everyone, what should I do, I'm so lonely, please love me. Sheer guesswork, but treating it like a dog was the only thing I could think of in the middle of all that noise.

Since the noise was apparently in my head, I didn't bother trying to speak, just started thinking over and over: "Shut up! Shut up! Be quiet! Shut up! Quiet! Quiet!"

To my eternal surprise it tapered off, making a brief eager hhhhhaaaaaaa sound. "Good Ddura," I thought, feeling mildly idiotic. "Good Ddura. Be quiet. Good Ddura."

I opened my eyes, trying to think while my head recovered from its noise-pounding, and looking across at the Setari on the far side of the platform, who were watching me intently. Immediately the Ddura made a hhhhiiiiiiiiiiii noise, not nearly so loud, but all anxious and fretful and then, "mmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn".

"Threat rising," Maze said, tersely.

"Stop!" I thought. "Down. Friends! Friends!"

It made the hhhiiiiiiiii noise again. It wanted to protect me, I think. And that was the problem: it didn't recognise the Tarens, it thought they were the enemy the same way the aether did. And it's pretty hard to convince a dog that the scary strangers all poised to attack are friends.

Keeping my right hand on the platform, I reached to the left. Ruuel had let go of me – I later found some nice bruises where he'd grabbed me – so I took his wrist and pressed his hand to the platform, keeping hold the same way I had Selkie during my aether testing. "Friend," I thought, then carefully let go of Ruuel, watching him wince as the aether in the platform immediately began reacting to him.

"Friend," I thought, but was getting the hhhiiii noise again. "Friend," I repeated, putting a lot of command into it. "This is a Muinan. He belongs here. This is his home. He belongs."

I felt something, not from the Ddura, but the platform itself seemed to go icy and slick beneath my hand and then settle down. Ruuel straightened, eyes opening very wide, and he said: "It's not reject–" but then the Ddura started going "Hhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! Hhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! Hhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!" so loudly I swear every blood vessel in my head considered popping. Ruuel didn't act like he could hear it, but he had both hands pressed to the platform and was talking, eyes still all wide and surprised.


"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!" I thought over and over at the Ddura and it quieted down a little, but kept going hhhhhaaaaaaa! in this mountainous burble. A lot happier about Ruuel than it had been me.

"Everyone put hand," I said out loud, not even able to hear myself speak. One thing about Setari discipline is they're quick to obey a command. According to the logs, Maze said: "Do it," and everyone did, despite the pain it caused.

"These are Muinans," I thought, to the Ddura or the platform or both. "They belong here. This is their home. They belong."

The Ddura exploded into hysteria – it really did behave a lot like an abandoned dog – and I had to resort to this kind of mental shriek in return: "SHUT UP!!!!" which startled it into pausing. "Bad Ddura. Be quiet. Be quiet. Good Ddura. Yes. Quiet. Okay. Good Ddura, you can protect the Muinans, can't you? That's a good Ddura. Protect the Muinans." I paused, then looked over at the drone on the far side of the room. "These drones belong to the Muinans. Protect the drones. Good Ddura." I tried mentally picturing the Litara as well, but my head was pounding like anything, so have no idea if it was any use going on about: "This is a Muinan ship. Protect the ships. Good Ddura."

It started doing the hhhhhaaaaaaa thing again, far more interested in the Setari it could sense touching the platform than anything I was saying to it, so I sighed and gave up, rubbing my temples instead.

Ketzaren took my arm. "Do you need to sit down?"

"Need Ddura shut up. So loud."

It seemed that I was still the only one who could hear it, which I considered very unfair. A lot of the Setari were looking shell-shocked, fingering the platform cautiously. Eeli was crying in a happy, overwhelmed kind of way.

"First, return Devlin to the Litara," said Hara. "Third, Fourth, Seventh, finish your contact readings and then return."

I didn't need any encouragement, coming close to dragging Ketzaren out of the room. Back in the amphitheatre, the only thing I noticed was that the cats had all gone. First moved into formation around me, though Ketzaren stayed letting me lean on her. I wasn't in a falling-down state, but my head was pounding so incredibly that it was hard to concentrate on where I was walking. I ignored everything they said to me, since the Ddura was still enormously loud all the way through the town, calming down only a little. The greensuits were waiting for us and of course I was taken straight back to medical, but for once I didn't care because I really wanted some painkillers. I'd dropped out of the mission channel as soon as I was on the sled, and really wanted quiet and dark.

"I'm accessing your log, Caszandra," Maze said, while Ista Tremmar unkindly made me sit through a scan before even thinking about giving me drugs. I watched his face, and was meanly pleased to see him start and grimace.

"Loud," I said. I could still hear the damn thing, all the way out on the lake, but fortunately fairly dimmed by then. He nodded but didn't respond, watching the log presumably with the sound lowered while Ista Tremmar finished her scan and finally consented to fill me up to the eyeballs with painkillers. She said I could go so long as I drank a lot of liquid and lay down, which was exactly what I wanted to do. Maze, face all abstract, led me back to the canteen, and I found the rest of First Squad waiting, a meal already set out, though they were only picking at theirs. I think they were listening to my log as well, from the way they kept almost-wincing. My thoughts weren't recorded, so it was all Ddura-noise.

"Can you describe what happened from your point of view?" Maze asked, while I drank down a lot of cold, tingly drink.

"Ddura thought you were Ionoth, think," I said, wishing the painkillers would work quicker. "Didn't understand what it was saying, but guess from tone of noises. It like big pet, missing Muinans, kill anything it not recognise. I try tell Ddura that Ruuel was a Muinan, and the platform did something, and then the Ddura realise Ruuel not an Ionoth and get all happy. And even louder. Is Ddura thing been making ships explode?"

"That's been brought up as a possibility in the past." Maze shook his head. "It was certainly approaching with intent to kill. When you touched the platform, it withheld the attack, but was still clearly hostile to us. And then very strongly the opposite. The Place Sights could feel something of its emotions through the platform, once it stopped reacting against them."

"It knew I not Muinan," I said, thoughtfully. "Much happier about Setari, once stopped thinking you Ionoth. But it was platform which changed way reacted to you."

"Ruuel is using an analogy of security clearance. The device allowed you, who for some reason have clearance, to identify us to the 'system'."

"Our turn to have aether tests now," Lohn said. He had his arm around Mara, which was the first time I'd seen them publicly behave like a couple. I think everyone was pretty overwhelmed.

"My turn laugh when Lohn say silly things." I smiled, then sighed and rubbed my temple. "I try tell it that should protect drones and ships and things, but don't think it listen. Too busy being happy. What happen next?"

Maze lifted one shoulder. "We exceeded the mission brief by an order of magnitude. The result is very good, but completely beyond what we were expecting or had planned for. I don't know if it will delay or bring forward the proposed second trip."

"What happens next is you catch up on your rest," Zee said, squeezing my shoulder. "This is a large development, but in the short term there's a two kasse journey back to base. And then at minimum a day of argument, tests and analysis."

"Still huge changes," Lohn said. "We mightn't have solved the overall problem, but our progress on Muina has been entirely stifled by this...security clearance issue."

"The Ddura doesn't explain all of the deaths," Alay pointed out.

"But most of them," Ketzaren said. "Almost certainly most of them, if it's what has been causing ships to explode. Even massives are minor compared to that, particularly when KOTIS can use weaponry without risk to structures. My guess is that there'll be an attempt to establish a serious foothold around this town of yours. And from there we'll search for information about the Muinans of the past, and the way the Pillars were constructed."

"One thing Lantaren not know but," I said. "How their security clearance wiped? They understood all that, they made Ddura. They supposed to be more powerful psychic than Setari. And it kill them. What happen, built settlement here, then security clearance wipe again?"

"Very good point." Maze had been playing with his food, and I was willing to bet he'd been thinking over the same possibility. "I certainly won't be recommending any rush."

"Could Setari fight Ddura?"

"Not a chance." Zee glanced at Maze, then repeated. "Not a chance."

"It's the first time we've been close enough to one to get some estimate of what level we'd face," Maze said. "It's a massive made from pure energy which, it seems, can attack in real-space from near-space. I am very glad not to have had to try. And on that note, go lie down. I don't want to see you again until you've stopped looking like you've been stepped on."

Zee came with me, waiting while I hit the bathroom and then seeing me settled back in my chair-pod.

"You're upset about something," she said, one hand on the pod's lid. "More than just the headache."


"Didn't want become more important," I said. If I'm the only one who can give people security clearance, no-one here will ever be willing to let me leave.

Zee gave me an unexpectedly amused look. "I thought it was something like that. Just consider the alternative, if you hadn't been able to stop it." She gestured for me to lie down, adding: "You can make the cover opaque, if the light bothers you. Get some sleep."

It was a fair point. We would have all died. Zee definitely knows how to quash signs of self-pity.

I figured out how to make the cover opaque, but dozed more than slept until after we'd taken off because the Ddura just wouldn't shut up, though it calmed down a lot. Even worse would have been if everyone had died except for me. I don't know if I would have been able to cope with that. As it is, I'm not sure that I can cope with what I did totally by accident. Every time I try and think through the consequences of that 'security clearance' my mind runs away.

I must have needed more sleep than I realised, since when Zee woke me up again we were back on Tare. And then it was more scans in medical, and a long attempt to describe exactly what I'd done and thought after I touched the platform. My sleep patterns are totally messed up, but until I have something scheduled, I guess it doesn't matter what shift I'm awake during. Other than the medical scans, I've stayed in my room, just writing and trying not to think of everyone dropping dead in front of me because it hadn't occurred to me to try touching the platform.

Change

Mara came by to tell me the results of the scans on the Setari who were on the Muina mission. Aether has the same effect on them now that it does on me. Just those four squads, though. It still attacks anyone who doesn't have 'security clearance'.

"How are big arguments going?"

"Lively. I doubt they'll change the scheduling of the next mission, but there's a good chance they'll alter the numbers. It's all very well to talk of taking things slowly, but whoever says that also fully expects that they'll be included." She pulled a face. "And that's only in KOTIS. It will be impossible to keep this from going public for long, and then we'll be factoring in a thousand special interest groups and the media. Muina is such an emotive issue."

"Can't imagine Tarens actually living Muina. Never go outside."

"A huge adjustment," she agreed, kicking me lightly for the teasing. "Though I agree that some of those insisting on joining the next mission are going to find all that horizon a challenge. The Setari have the benefit of environment training, but other parts of KOTIS aren't nearly so prepared."

"Looked like the leaves were turning. Will be very pretty."

She didn't know what I meant, and we spoke for a while about Autumn and Winter – Tare doesn't seem to have seasons beyond stormy and really stormy – and then about the potential pressure on the Setari of trying to work on two different planets. All of the squads which went to Muina yesterday are on rotation tomorrow, and the next day is the start of the extended mission. Mara warned me that while Third and/or Fourth will certainly be sent, they're likely to use other squads to support them.

"Taarel and Ruuel are both people you can be confident with. If something happens that worries you or makes you uncomfortable, overcome this tendency to keep it to yourself. Object if there's things you don't want to do."

At that particular moment I was watching Ghost walk across the room behind Mara, and hoping she didn't turn around. I wonder what she made of my expression.

"Will object if think will make difference," I said, reasonably enough. I didn't want to have a needle in my spine, after all, but was sure that if I'd objected it would have meant being stuck in medical even longer until someone came and explained to me that it was important. "Would you live on Muina, if able?"

She didn't answer immediately, then shrugged. "I find it very hard to picture being able to. But it's certainly nice to know it might one day be an option."

Thursday, March 20

Interlude

Today I finally tracked down a place where I could buy a new diary: paper products do exist on this world, they're just rare. It was amazingly expensive, and won't be delivered before I leave for Muina tomorrow, but I think I've enough book left to last. I'm taking this one with me, since we're 'packing' for an extended stay. I'm bringing my old school backpack, which amuses me a lot.

They've assigned the squads: Second, Third, Fourth and Eighth. So no new squads, and none of the ones I really don't feel comfortable with. I wish First was going though. Who am I going to chat with?

What happens this trip is incredibly important to me. I really need for it to be possible for someone else to give people security clearance.