And that’s what scares me. It’s the fear that it’s not all over. Because how can it be over? How can a person go through all of that and just brush it off? You can’t. Not even with the best therapy and the best medication can you ever get over being abandoned, adopted, on drugs, homeless. It’s one terrible thing after another, and just the fact that he’s alive and well has me completely dumbfounded.
But I don’t want to live in fear for him, and I don’t want to believe that he could slip up at any moment, even though I’m not na?ve enough to ignore certain things, like his relationship with alcohol. I want him to keep being strong, powerful, noble. A proud beast. I want him to not be ashamed of who he was because it’s only made him the amazing person that he is. Though I know he thinks the opposite, learning the truth about Lachlan made my respect for him go through the roof.
And now, now I really understand his passion for the dogs, for rescuing the “bad dogs” who are cast aside and forgotten. He literally was just like them, depending on the kindness of strangers.
Yet here is, and here I am, about to head into the stadium where I’ll witness just how he pulled himself out of the rubble.
“Now I must warn you,” he says to me as he slides a key card into one of the back entrances. “You might fall asleep. We’re not going all out quite yet. I’ll be working on my sidestepping today, especially since I have a tendency to just plow through people.”
“Oh, I know,” I say brightly. “I read it on your Wikipedia page.”
He groans. “I have one of those?”
“That only means you’ve made it.”
“Bloody hell. Anyway, I can’t really run people over anymore without risking injury to myself, so that’s where the sidestepping comes in handy.”
“Will I at least see you in a scrum?” I ask as we walk down a dank, cement tunnel toward the lit green field at the end.
“Nah. As the wing you just watch the scrum. Wait and see what happens.” He gives me a wry look, pursing those lush lips together. “Don’t you remember any of that rugby I taught you?”
I laugh sharply. “Let’s be honest. I was just trying to flirt with you, maybe get a good feel of your ass.”
“If I recall correctly, you were definitely flirting with me.”
I roll my eyes. “Well, you didn’t seem to know it at the time.”
He stops and pulls me to him. “I knew it at the time, love. Just had to work up the courage to do something about it.” He kisses me on the forehead, and we continue on our way.
We’re a bit early so he leads me up into the stands where he selects a good seat for me. “You’re close enough to hear Alan, our coach, yelling at us, and at me especially, and you’ll be able to see everyone. I better go check in on the locker room.”
I anxiously grab his arm. “What, you’re leaving already?”
“I’ll be right back. Down there.” He points to the field. “Try and stay awake.”
He trots off down the stairs and I watch the muscles in his ass bounce as he goes. After a few minutes, when I realize it might be a while before it all starts, I bring out my phone and start emailing people. I email Steph and Nicola, wanting so bad to tell them what Lachlan told me, but knowing it isn’t their place to know or even understand. It’s Lachlan’s past that he entrusted me with, and I cling to that with reverence.
I email my mom too. The last email I got from her was a few days ago. She said she misses me, which hurt like hell, but that she was fine and that Toshio and Sean had been over. She hadn’t mentioned my other brothers, Nikko, Paul or Brian, at all, so I also drop an email to Toshio to see if he can remind them. After everything that Lachlan told me, I feel strangely weak and shaky inside, and my need to know that everyone will be okay is stronger than ever. I wish there was a teleporting machine so I could go back, just for a moment, and give my mother a long hug. Those kind of hugs fix everything.