“No!” I rub my face, pulling in a deep breath. “No, I don’t regret you, I just … I don’t know.” I shake my head, frustrated.
“Well seeing as though you don’t know, why don’t I just make this easy for you.” He turns to leave.
“No, Jake, please.” I grab his arm, looking into his face despairingly. “I’m just so confused.”
“I’m not. I know what I want – you. I want to be out there, with you, as mine.”
“You seem to be doing just fine with Juliette keeping you company. She looked to be soothing your pain right away from what I saw.”
It just slipped out.
I know I have no right to be jealous, my current situation pending, and I hate to show my hand to him, but it was out before I could stop it.
“You’re jealous? Seriously, Tru?” I see the smirk in his eyes, and that just fuels my anger right back up.
“Just fuck off back to your tart!”
“I don’t want to fuckin’ go back to her. I want you.”
Then suddenly I just want to hurt him.
“Well you can’t have me. Not tonight. Not for a while. I’m going home tomorrow, remember.” I let go of his arm.
I see the pain flicker over his beautiful face, and I feel sick. And all I want to do is take the words back.
“I’m sorry,” I start talking quickly. “I didn’t mean that – I just – I will tell him, Jake, soon. It’s just difficult, and the constant pressure from you is driving me crazy. I feel like I can’t breathe. You just need to give me space and let me do this in my own time.”
But I can tell I’ve already lost him.
“You want space – you’ve got it. Shit loads of it.” He turns from me again, and stalks away, heading for the door, then stops just before it, turns and marches back until he’s close to my face.
“I’m not the other guy, Tru. It doesn’t fit with me – who I am. I’m the guy. And if you’re saying you can’t give me that now, then …” He leaves his words hanging.
“Then what?” My voice is trembling.
Saying nothing more, he turns from me and walks away.
“Answer me!” I cry after him. “Then what, Jake? You’re done? What?!”
I can feel panic rising in me. I’m losing him completely.
He stops and turns marginally, his lips pressed together in a tight line. “Interpret it whichever way you want. I don’t give a shit anymore.”
He unlocks the door, and stalks out of the bathroom slamming the door behind him.
I look at myself in the mirror. In this moment, right now, I hate myself.
Gripping hold of the sink, I try to control the shakes convulsing through me.
Then I throw up.
Chapter Nineteen
“You were gone ages,” Will says.
I smooth my skirt down as I sit in my seat, acutely aware of the fact that I have no panties on.
“Sorry. The queue for the toilet was really long, and when I was in there, I felt a little sick.”
“Are you okay?” His brow furrows with concern.
Concern I really do not deserve.
“Yes, I’m fine. I just felt a little hot, a little queasy, but I’m fine now.”
I’m not fine, I’m miserable, disgusted with myself, and so very screwed up.
Here I was promising myself I’d be better for Will, and then I go and have sex with Jake in a bathroom. And now I’m an even bigger mess than I was before.
I pick my margarita up.
“Is it a good idea to drink that if you feel sick, darling? I can go to the bar and get you some water if you want?”
“No, I’m fine – honestly,” I add at Will’s worried expression.
What I need right now is alcohol and lots of it. I take a deep gulp of my margarita.
Stuart catches my eye and gives me a knowing look, lifting his eyebrow.
He knows I’m sleeping with Jake.
Of course he does. Dave knows so it makes sense he does.
I’ve spent the last five days holed up with Jake. And Stuart is his PA. He knows Jake’s itinerary, his every movement. It’s his job to.
I bet he thinks I’m a complete slut.
My cheeks burn with shame.
I glance across the room, past Stuart, and see Jake is with Zzhuilette again.
I get a twisted feeling in my stomach.
She’s sitting in his lap and they’re sharing a cigarette. She puts it in his mouth, holding it to his lips while he takes a drag. Touching his lips with her fingers.
Lips that were on mine minutes before. Kissing me, everywhere.
She transfers the cigarette to her own lips and takes a long, sultry drag. Leaning close, she blows the smoke into Jake’s mouth.
I feel a flash of white hot jealously streak through me, as I see that his hand is on her thigh, his other stroking her arm, intimately.
I have a flash of memory, his hands on me, touching me.
Then I watch as Jake releases the used smoke from his mouth, and leans in and whispers something in her ear. She throws her head back and laughs.
How can he do this when he was just in there with me? How can he move on so quickly?
He’s sitting there with her in his lap, and my torn panties in his pocket.
I feel sick.
He catches my eye.