My suitcase. The one I left in Boston. He’s kept it with him this whole time.
To be honest I hadn’t really thought about what he’d done with it.
“Thank you,” I say taking it from him. My fingers graze his in the exchange.
Heat sears painfully up my arm, coursing through my body, careening straight for my heart.
I wheel the case in, parking it up by the side of the door, desperately trying to control my feelings.
“So…um.” He brushes his hand through his hair again. “Do you need anything or…?”
“No, I’m fine. Thank you.”
This is so hard. There’s no witty Jake banter. The ease that has always been between us is gone. It’s almost like we’re strangers. He’s not my Jake anymore, and it hurts beyond words.
“Okay.” He steps back. “So…I guess I’ll see you – tomorrow.”
He’s leaving. A sinking feeling encompasses me. I don’t want him to go.
Yes, I do.
Composing myself, I say, “Goodnight, Jake.”
“Goodnight, Trudy Bennett.” He smiles at me ruefully.
As I start to close the door, he speaks again. “Tru?”
I open the door back up.
“It’s really good to see you again. You look…well.”
“Thanks.” I force a painful smile. “You too.”
I close the door, shutting him out.
Leaning up against it, catching the breath I didn’t know I was holding, I slide down, sinking to the floor, under the weight of the grief which is crushing me.
This is so much harder than I could have ever thought.
Taking a deep breath I attempt to steady my emotions.
It’s just one day Tru, that’s all. Get through tomorrow and the show, then your flight is booked for straight afterwards, and you’re home free.
Or am I? Will I ever truly be free of Jake when he’s already worked so deeply into my heart.
Adele starts to sing in my hand. Lifting it up, I see I have a text.
Jake:
When I said you looked well, what I really should have said was that you look beautiful. x
And there’s my Jake.
Unstoppable tears trickle from my eyes, as I start to drown in memories of him. The feel of his skin against mine, his kiss, the way he made love to me.
I don’t think I can do this. It’s too hard being around him.
No, I can, it’s just twenty-four hours. Twenty-four tiny hours to get through.
But even as I think it, fighting my internal battle, I don’t feel so sure anymore. And then my tears turn into full on sobs, and I keep crying until all I’m left with is dry heaves racking my body senseless.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
After Jake left last night, and I’d cried myself into a dried out puffy eyed state, I immersed myself in the humongous bath tub, staying in until the water went cold, thinking about Jake and what I was going to do.
After coming to no conclusion, leaving me exactly where I was before, I raided the minibar. I had a couple of glasses of wine in the hope they would help me sleep, and I climbed into the ginormous bed.
The wine didn’t help me sleep as I had hoped, because sleeping in a bed like this without Jake, just felt wrong. Empty and so very lonely.
It just made me miss him even more than I already do.
All I could think was that he was here in the hotel somewhere. Somewhere close. And knowing I could pick my phone up and call him, and I would be laid in his arms within minutes made it all the more harder.
The anger I’d been so desperately clinging to skipped out on me, leaving me with raw emotion.
I knew seeing Jake again would be hard, but I underestimated just how hard.
Seeing him stood there exposed me to my feelings in a blast, the ones I’ve been so desperately trying to hide from this last week. I was forced to feel the complete and utter intensity of them, and it’s been bleeding the hell out of me ever since.
So after spending the night listening to Cyndi Lauper’s, ‘Time After Time’ on loop on my new iPhone, crying along with the lyrics, I finally cried myself to sleep for a few hours. And now I find myself at 6am sitting at a table in the hotel restaurant, drinking coffee just for the want of something to do.
I look a puffy eyed, tired mess, but I don’t care.
As it’s so early breakfast has only just started to be served, so I’m alone in here with only the waiting staff for company. Exactly as I want it.
I nabbed a newspaper on the way in to read to keep my mind occupied. It’s the New York Times, and I’m reading the business pages avoiding anything remotely entertainment wise in case there is something about Jake in here.
Scanning my eyes over the text about the ever rising price of gasoline, I feel a presence beside me. Looking up I expect to see the waiter, but it’s Jake.
My heart jumps up in my chest, straight out of my mouth and makes a bolt for the door.
“Hi,” he says. His voice sounds rough and smooth like only his can. “You mind if I join you?”
He smells strongly of cigarettes. He must have literally just had a smoke.