chapter Eighteen
A tentative knock on my door woke me up. I resisted the urge to roll over and go back to sleep. “Who is it?”
“It’s Jade. Did I wake you?”
“Kind of, but it’s fine. It’s open.”
The door opened slowly, and she walked in. “I’m really sorry. I thought you were a morning person.”
“I am. Usually.”
She stood there in the middle of the room.
“You can sit.” I gestured to Cara’s perfectly made up bed right across from mine. I sat up and ran a hand through my hair, hoping it wasn’t a complete mess.
“I guess I should have called first.”
“No. This is totally fine. I needed to get up for class soon anyway.” I moved out of the covers. “What’s going on?”
“I was hoping I could talk to you.”
“Of course. You can talk to me about anything.” A wave of nervousness hit me. Was Jade okay?
“Does it get better?” Her face fell a little.
“Does what get better? Pledging?”
“No. I mean college.”
“Freshman year is hard.” I wasn’t going to give her any BS about it being what you make of it. The bottom line is that freshman year of college is ridiculously hard. “It’s a huge transition.”
“I know. I’m used to knowing everyone. I’m not even sure if I have a single real friend here.”
“You have at least one.” I smiled.
“Thanks.”
“And you have more. You seem to have made friends in your pledge class.”
“Yeah, but what if they’re only my friends because they have to be. Isn’t that part of it?”
I shook my head. “They’re your friends. It does take a while for college to feel like home, but it will. You’ll see when you come back second semester. You’ll have missed it. It’s a strange feeling, but eventually this place will be home.”
“I hope so.” She clasped her hands together nervously.
“I know you have another friend too. How’s Diane?”
Jade smiled. “She’s good. Chris asked for her number last night. Now she’ll just freak out waiting for him to call.”
I laughed. “Isn’t that how it always goes?”
Jade blushed. “Not always.”
“What do you mean?”
“You and Colt… he’s the one chasing you.”
“Colt and I aren’t together.” At least Colt seemed fine with keeping things on the down low. Broadcasting our relationship would be a bad thing for both of us.
She looked at me skeptically. “I saw you two leaving together last night. I see the way he looks at you.”
I pulled my pillow onto my lap. “I’m not sure what’s going on with us, but I’d prefer if you didn’t tell anyone.”
“Okay. Do your roommates know?”
“No.” I looked away. I needed to tell them. I just didn’t know where to begin.
“Really? But you guys all seem so close.”
“We are.”
“Okay. Well, I won’t tell anyone.”
“Thanks. And if I can do anything to help make this transition easier, just let me know.”
“I will.” She turned toward the door.
“Hey, let’s have lunch one day next week.”
“Oh, that would be great. Maybe Tuesday?”
“Sure. Twelve at the student center?”
“Perfect!” She smiled before walking out of the room. I lay back down even though I knew there was no chance I’d fall back to sleep.
***
All it took was one fight to find myself in the backseat of Juliet’s car on the way to the beach. Cara had some blowout with Aaron over him talking to an ex-girlfriend, and the weekend had changed from a romantic getaway to a girl’s weekend. Any reason to stay behind vanished, and I had a mix of emotions about the trip. I was looking forward to getting away for a long weekend. I needed space from school and Colt. I just wasn’t sure I was ready for the questioning I knew was coming.
“I hate him.” Cara sighed.
I turned away from my open window, forcing myself to stop looking at the beautiful southern oaks surrounding us. “What exactly happened?” This wasn’t the first time Cara had gotten angry at Aaron, but it was the first time she’d left town over it.
“I caught him talking to her again. He told me he wouldn’t, considering what happened this summer.” She sniffled. Aaron really was being an idiot. He’d told Cara about how his ex- girlfriend had chased him all summer long. What he hadn’t told her was that she’d kissed him. Cara found that out from a Facebook photo. Needless to say, she wasn’t his biggest fan at the moment. To make matters worse, when she went to confront him about it, he’d been on the phone with the ex.
“Maybe she called him.” Juliet slowed down as the car in front of us turned with no warning.
“Maybe, but he was laughing and grinning when I found him. What if it was more than a kiss? He said he pushed her away, but what if he didn’t? What if everything with us is a lie?”
“He loves you.” I don’t know where the words came from, but they spilled out. I knew that didn’t make up for anything, but I really couldn’t imagine Aaron cheating on her.
“I know, but what if he’s still in love with her?”
Juliet shook her head. “He’s not. He can’t be. Not with the way he acts with you.”
“I agree, but he totally deserves a freeze out. I get why you wanted to get away.” I hoped some time apart would help things blow over.
“I’m sorry for changing things up last minute.” Cara turned to Juliet. “How did Reed take getting left behind this weekend?”
Juliet answered honestly. “He wasn’t thrilled, but he thought some girl time was a good idea. He knows how much I love you guys.”
“Aww, I love you guys too.”
Cara sighed. “I so needed this.”
“What’s the weather supposed to be like?” I’d thrown in a bikini, and I was hoping I’d get to use it. The storm clouds above suggested afternoon beach plans weren’t in the cards.
Juliet slowed down when we reached a traffic circle. “It’s going to rain in the morning tomorrow, but we should be fine in the afternoon.”
“I guess that means we can sleep in.”
Juliet laughed. “It’s going to be my kind of morning. “
***
“We should have brought something with us to go with all this liquor.” Cara poured us another round of shots. We were seated at the island in the kitchen. The rain started within twenty minutes of arriving, but our spirits were boosted when we discovered Juliet’s brothers had left behind quite the stash of liquor when they’d visited the week before.
Juliet leaned on her elbows. “You guys are lucky I remembered food.”
I laughed. “Do you call a few boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and Special K bars food?”
“We usually have tons of the basics here, and I figured we’d just run to the store tomorrow to get more. I didn’t expect my dumb brothers to have eaten us out of house and home.”
“Are either of you sober enough to drive?” Cara tittered on her stool. “Theoretically, we could still go to the store.”
“No,” Juliet and I answered in unison.
Cara got a wicked grin on her face. “We could always ask your neighbor.”
Juliet paled. “What? Which neighbor? Have you seen a car?”
“I’m joking.” Cara laughed. “I wanted to see your reaction.”
“Not even remotely funny.” Juliet still looked freaked out. I couldn’t blame her. Her ex-boyfriend’s family owned the house next door, and I knew they had some serious history that took place at these houses.
“Break out that box of bars.” I got up to fill a glass with water from the fridge.
“Here you go.” Juliet tossed me a chocolate, peanut butter bar.
“We should play truth or dare.” Cara grinned again, but this one was friendly. I’d never seen her as drunk as she was that night, and I knew it was because she was so upset about Aaron. She was going to regret the alcohol in the morning.
“Truth or dare?” Juliet ate her bar in three bites.
“Although, I have a feeling it’s just going to be truths.” Cara moved into the living room, collapsing dramatically on the couch.
“Can’t we just watch TV instead?” Playing drunk truth or dare with my friends didn’t sound particularly appealing.
Cara picked her head up. “Please. It was fun when we did it as pledges.”
“Fun?” I looked at her with surprise. “Try awful.”
“Really? I thought it was fun.” Cara grinned.
“You would.” Cara was an open book. She had no problem airing her dirty laundry. She also seemed to enjoy the silly dares the actives made up. I’d picked dare and ended up having to sing Tomorrow from Annie on the front porch. Let’s just say I don’t have a great voice.
“Will you play or not?” Cara pressed.
“Sure, but I’m not starting.” I knew she was only suggesting the game so she could grill me about Colt. I’d at least make her wait.
“I’ll go first.” Juliet tossed her wrapper and walked into the living room. I followed her.
“Truth or dare?” Cara didn’t miss a beat.
“Truth.”
“Do you think you and Reed are going to get married?” Cara went in with a punch.
Juliet leaned back into an armchair. “Maybe.”
“Do you want to marry him?” If the topic was already breached, I figured it couldn’t hurt.
She nodded. “I can’t imagine being with anyone else.”
I smiled. “You two are kind of perfect for each other.”
Juliet stretched out. “All right, Mallory. Your turn.”
“My turn?” I snuggled into a blanket I found on the couch. “Shouldn’t Cara go next? She’s the one who suggested the game.” I bit back a smile when I watched a wave of frustration cross her face. She was dying to grill me for details.
“Come on. Truth or dare?” Juliet pressed.
“Truth.”
Cara jumped right in. “What’s really going on with you and Colt?”
“I haven’t slept with him again.”
“I don’t believe you.” Juliet gave me a serious look.
“It’s not that I haven’t tried…”
“What? The guy’s crazy about you. There’s no chance he’d—”
“No. He wants it too. We just can’t find time alone.”
“And you haven’t told us this because…?”
“Because I was afraid to.” If I was being honest, I might as well let it all out.
“Why would you be afraid? It’s just us.” Juliet moved to sit next to me.
“A lot of reasons.”
“Start naming them.”
“Because you wanted me to date Tanner.” I took a deep breath. I wasn’t ready to have this discussion. “And Colt’s a freshman.”
“So? Those are pretty weak reasons.”
I wrapped my arms around myself. “They’re good ones.” I didn’t want to talk about the real ones. It hurt too much to even think about Jack.
“We want you to be happy, Mallory. We don’t care who you date.” Juliet took a sip from her cup.
“Juliet’s right. I can’t believe you’d think we wouldn’t support you on dating anyone you wanted. Plus, Colt will be a Kappa in another few months. It serves the same purpose.” Cara smiled. Her face was a little flushed from all the alcohol.
“A pledge is the same thing as one of your boyfriends’ friends?” I gave Cara a disbelieving look.
Cara ran her nails over the fabric of the cushion. “We just wanted you to feel part of it. We hate leaving you out.”
“I appreciate that, but it’s not a big deal.”
“Why are you so embarrassed about Colt?” Cara scooted closer. “He’s hot and funny. I’d date him if I were single.”
How could I tell them everything? How could I tell them about what Dad said? About Jack? How could I admit that every guy in my life had left me in the dust because I wasn’t good enough for them?
“Come on. Just tell us, Mallory,” Juliet pleaded.
“I just can’t be that girl again.” I looked down at the quilt.
“What do you mean?”
“I need to be someone, and that isn’t going to happen if I date Colt.”
“Uh, am I more drunk than I thought, or is she making absolutely no sense?” Cara asked Juliet.
“I never told you the truth about my dad.” I continued to look down.
“About his heart attack?”
I mustered some courage. “No, about how he left.”
“You said your parents are divorced,” Cara said softly.
“He left us because we weren’t good enough.”
“That’s not true.” Juliet put a hand on my back. “A dad doesn’t leave his kids for that reason.”
“You don’t know him.”
“That’s true, but what does this have to do with Colt?” Cara asked.
I pulled my knees up to my chest. “I only had one boyfriend in high school. We dated my sophomore and junior year and tried to do things long distance the first few months after he graduated. Then he suddenly broke up with me because I wasn’t what he needed in his life. In other words, I wasn’t good enough for him either.”
“And you don’t want to feel like that again. That’s why you were embarrassed to have hooked up with Colt on a farm. Right?” Juliet had hit the nail on the head. “But that’s ridiculous. Only you can decide your worth. Trust me, you can’t let what a guy, even your dad, thinks of you change your self-image.”
“I’m confused.” Cara sat up straighter. “Why would dating Colt matter? He’s not going to treat you that way.”
“She’s afraid. She’s terrified.” Juliet didn’t say it condescendingly, but it still stung.
“Maybe. I honestly don’t know anymore.” The alcohol was only making things more confusing. Why’d I have to sleep with Colt in the first place? Maybe if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have starting crushing on him again. But wouldn’t he still be at Harrison and pledging Kappa? He said he’d been on the waitlist, so he didn’t come just for me. I never did find that letter he wrote me. I had a feeling he’d explained a lot more on those pages.
“Okay. Back to the original question. What’s up with you and Colt? Do you like being with him?”
“Yes.” I could admit that much.
“Then forget the rest of it. Just let him make you happy.”
“We’re kind of together.” I remembered our conversation. The words he’d made me say in his goofy game.
“What’s that mean?” Juliet asked.
“I don’t know. I’m just not ready to go public.”
“Why would you hide it?”
“I have my reasons. You won’t tell, will you?” I leaned back into the cushions.
“If you really think it’s best…” Juliet watched me warily. “But give us something. I can tell you’re hiding something.”
“Remember that boyfriend I told you about?”
Cara nodded. “The one who left you behind.”
“He’s Colt’s brother.”
“What? Are you serious?” Juliet asked.
I sighed, needing the conversation to end and hoping my friends knew me enough to realize that. “Okay, my turn is over. Cara, it’s your turn.”
“No, thanks.”
“What? This was all your idea.”
“Yeah.” She smiled. “But I only suggested it to get you talking about Colt.”
“It doesn’t work that way, hon.”
She laughed. “Fine. Dare.”
“I dare you to call Aaron.”
“What?” She grunted.
“Call him. Tell him how you feel. Just be honest.”
“Seriously? That’s my dare?”
Juliet looked at me and she nodded. “Yes.”
I leaned back and crossed my arms. “Pick up your phone and call.”
“Can’t I just run around outside in my underwear or something?”
I wondered if she’d had even more to drink than I originally thought. “Yeah, not happening.”
She nodded. “Fine.” She swallowed hard and picked up her phone. “Aaron? Yeah. Me too.” She walked out of the room.
Juliet and I just sat there flipping through the TV stations. Twenty minutes later, Cara came out grinning. “He’s on his way.”
“Good.” I gave her a hug.
Less than an hour later, Aaron was knocking on the door. The rain had stopped for the time being, so Juliet and I decided to give them some privacy. We grabbed flashlights and took the short walk down to the beach. Instead of cutting straight through the back gate, we opted for the longer route that took us around a small lagoon. There was something so peaceful about being out late at night in such a quiet and picturesque place.
The moon was barely visible, leaving the small flashlights to do all the work of lighting our way. We laid down some towels and watched the stars while listening to the pounding waves.
“Whatever you decide to do with Colt, you’re going to be fine.” Juliet leaned up on one elbow. “Just don’t overthink it.”
“I just don’t need this right now.”
“Why not? It’s not like we can choose when we fall in love.”
“I’m not in love.” I stared up at the sky.
“Yes, you are.” She sat up. “If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be so conflicted. There are plenty of hot guys to hook up with, but you want Colt.”
“That doesn’t mean I love him.”
“Does your chest tighten when you’re around him?”
“Yes.”
“Do you feel safe yet full of butterflies at the same time?”
I nodded even though she probably couldn’t see me in the dark.
“He makes you happy. I already know that.”
“None of those things mean I’m in love with him.”
“They do together and coupled with the look you get when his name comes up, and the fact that your feelings for him have nearly changed your personality. I think it’s safe to call it love.”
I sat up too. “I know I’ve been bitchy this year.”
“Not bitchy, but not you.”
“I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m just in a funk.”
“Because you’re fighting who you are.” She stood up and let the sand blow off the towel.
I covered my eyes to avoid getting any of the sand in them. “How do you do it?”
“Do what?” She folded up the towel.
“Always stay so strong and confident.”
She laughed. “Is that a joke?”
“No.”
“Even after everything that happened with Dylan last year, you still think I’m always strong and confident?”
I shrugged. “99.9 percent of the time.”
“From the outside, you seem that way too. You’re just having a tough time right now. My cousin Amy warned me that the first semester of sophomore year is hard. After a summer away, you have to get used to school again, this time without the safety net of orientation or the ‘I’m a freshman excuse.’”
“But you’re fine.”
“Yeah. Probably because I got all the drama out of my system last year.”
I laughed. “Hopefully, it works that way, and I’ll get a pass next year.”
“Cut yourself a break and follow your heart.” She started walking back to the house. “That’s the only advice I have.”
“Thanks.” If only following the advice were as easy as she made it sound.