“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me. I was just wondering…”
“It’s not what you think, Caro,” he said quietly. “I’ve never… you know I’ve never been with anyone else. I’ve never… done that before.”
“So, how did you know? Because it was amazing.”
“Amazing? Really?”
He sounded pleased.
“Oh, believe me: I know what ‘amazing’ means, and that definitely qualifies.”
He chuckled quietly.
“Cool!”
“So… come on… how did you know what to do? Or maybe you’re just a natural.”
I sensed there was something he wasn’t telling me.
“Come on, Hunter. Fess up. Other than being God’s gift to women…”
“Okay, but promise not to laugh.”
“Cross my heart.”
He sighed heavily.
“I looked it up.”
“Excuse me?”
“Online. I looked it up. There are websites where you can… find out stuff.”
I was astonished. It would never have occurred to me in a million years.
“So... did you just do an internet search on ‘oral sex’?”
I heard his quiet laugh again.
“Kinda, yeah. A couple of years ago me and Ches were on my dad’s computer when he was out; he’d only turned off the screen so when we turned it on again it was on some porno site. Someone had posted a question about… that. I think it freaked us out at the time but I was thinking about it the other day after we… and I just thought… I just wanted… if we did it again… I just wanted to please you. I know I’m not very good at this and… well… after what happened that first time… I thought it might be good to… you know… pick up some tips.”
I was so overwhelmed: not only that he’d done this for me, to please me, but that he was so open and honest.
“Sebastian… I think you’re a wonderful lover. The things I feel when I’m with you… the things you make me feel… I’ve never, never felt like that.”
I pulled his mouth to mine, trying to show through my kiss that I meant every word.
“You’re very special, Sebastian,” I murmured onto his lips.
“I love you so much, Caro,” he said huskily.
We lay quietly for some minutes and I began to drift off to sleep. But then, in a hesitant voice, he spoke again.
“Caro, can I ask you something?”
“Of course. What is it?”
My brain was happily disconnected from my body and my voice sounded dream-laden.
He hesitated and I stroked his chest to reassure him.
“Why did you change your mind?”
“About what?”
“About us.”
“I haven’t. Oh, you mean… this.”
“Yes. I mean, I’m glad you did – I was just wondering why.”
I wasn’t sure I knew how to answer that. In fact I didn’t want to be reminded that this was… wrong.
“I didn’t really change my mind: it’s still… dangerous for us, for me.”
He wrapped the blanket more tightly around us as if that could protect me from the disapproval of the world.
“I was too weak to stay away from you,” I whispered. “And today was so… I’ve never felt like this before. You make me feel alive. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong and...”
“How can you say that?” he said angrily, his body suddenly too still. “How can you say it’s wrong? How…”
He stumbled, trying to find the words, and I gasped with pain.
“Don’t be angry with me, Sebastian.”
I couldn’t bear it if you left me now.
“Just… just please don’t say it’s wrong. I can’t hear you say that.”
His hands were bunched into fists against the rough blanket.
I sat up alarmed.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that but nothing has changed. You’re still only 17 and I’m… still breaking the law. In the eyes of the world, I’m some disgusting, depraved sexual predator… a vile, awful…”
“Don’t!” He shouted, his eyes furious.
Abruptly, he pulled away from me, his fists pressed against his forehead.
His sudden anger scared me. I was used to anger from David and it rarely touched me – but this… I felt torn in half.