But it hurt. It hurt badly. I’d opened myself to the possibility of love and now love had slapped me down. Down, but not out: not quite.
I felt a dull tearing inside my chest: part of my heart was breaking, knowing that in all probability I wouldn’t see Sebastian again. I took a deep breath and stared towards the horizon: time for me to grow up at last.
I glanced at my watch. I hoped Donna was ready to leave because I needed to get over to City Beat and drop off the films. Oh, and pick up David’s dry-cleaning. I quailed at the thought of facing him, or rather, telling him that I was leaving. I needed to clear my head and think how I was going to do that. Just thinking about it made me feel sick. So much for being strong! I’d have to work up to it. Somehow.
By the time I’d wandered back to the barbeque pit, Donna and Shirley were alone, slowly packing up the remains of the food: women’s work, it seemed. I hurried to help them.
“Did you get all your pictures?” asked Donna.
“Yes, I think so. Are you heading back now? It’s just I need to drop these films in at City Beat?”
“Tonight?” Donna was surprised. “The paper doesn’t go out until Thursday.”
“I know: but the editor asked for them, so…”
“Well, Shirley and I are heading back now anyway. The boys are getting a ride with Mitch. I expect they’ll be rather late.”
She raised her eyebrows and shook her head in a way that suggested boys will be boys.
With everything piled into Donna’s station wagon we drove away from the beach. I glanced once over my shoulder; the sun had begun its slow descent towards the horizon. I don’t know what I was looking for: a soft hiss of steam as the sun touched the sea, or perhaps a glimpse of someone silhouetted on the sand. Of course, there was neither.
It felt like the end of something, but maybe it was a beginning, too.
“That went well, didn’t it?” said Donna cheerfully.
For a moment I couldn’t think what she was talking about. Oh, the fun day. Right. So much fun.
My lonely thoughts burned like acid. I was so stupid to have expected anything different.
Shirley smiled. “Yes, I think everyone had a good time. Of course, the boys are planning on extending the fun. I hope Mitch keeps an eye on them.”
I didn’t want to think how Sebastian might be extending the fun at this very moment.
Donna smiled, “I’m sure he will.”
For a moment I wasn’t sure if she was answering my unspoken thoughts.
“Hmm, well, he won’t let them drink too much, but I dare say there’ll be a few sore heads in the morning. Mitch did say that there was a possibility they were going to sleep in the van tonight if they didn’t make it back; although I’m not sure how they’ll all fit now Stefan and Kurt are with them.”
Donna shook her head and smiled. “I doubt they’ll care. You know what they’re like when they all get together.” Then her serious look was back. “Although they really shouldn’t be drinking on the beach – Chester is still under age. And Sebastian. And that other boy – Fido.”
Shirley laughed. “Don’t you remember when you were that age, Donna? You’ve told me you bent a few rules in your time: in fact, I distinctly remember you saying that Johan climbed in your dormitory at that private girls’ school of yours.”
I threw a surprised look at Donna. She was a lovely lady, but she’d always struck me as rather formal.
“Oh, yes,” said Shirley, smiling at me, “Donna has her fair share of secrets, don’t you?”
“You’ll be giving Caroline the wrong impression of me.”
“Or the right one,” laughed Shirley. “Yes, Johan used to climb into her dormitory to steal a kiss or two. She nearly got expelled, didn’t you, Donna?!”
“Yes, I admit it all,” smiled Donna.
“Well, now you know where your boys get their wild streak from,” said Shirley with a wink.