Mitch and Bill laughed.
I handed around the cake, a painful smile plastered to my face. I told myself that it was wrong to watch Sebastian and Brenda and that I wouldn’t try to see what was happening: it was just coincidence that when I sat down again after helping everyone to cake, I had a clear view.
From what I could see she was using every trick in her well-thumbed manual. Nice girl, my ass!
She pretended to stagger slightly, losing her balance so she could bump against him and take his arm; she played with the strap of her bikini to draw his gaze and show him what he didn’t necessarily have to go on missing. Then she tossed her hair over her shoulder and tucked a strand behind her ear. I was desperate to know what they were saying. Sebastian was shaking his head and she was standing too close and stroking his arm. Then they seemed to be arguing. She was pleading with him, her arms outstretched; he was shaking his head vehemently, his hands on his hips. I don’t know how it happened but then she had her arms wrapped around his neck, her cheek on his bare chest, and he was holding her, rocking her gently, the same way he’d held me last night.
“I’ve got ten bucks says we won’t be seeing Seb till tomorrow morning,” said Stefan, gesturing obscenely with his hands.
“You won’t get any takers on that bet!” laughed Kurt. “She’s all over him!”
Ches looked disgusted, and threw the remains of his sandwich into the fire pit.
“Boys!” said Donna in a warning voice.
I’d seen enough. Seen enough and heard enough.
“Caroline? Are you going somewhere?”
Donna’s attention was directed back to me.
I smiled stiffly, forcing the words out.
“I’m just going to go and take some more photographs before I lose the light: I want to make sure I’ve got everything covered.” And to get the hell away from all of this.
I wandered along the beach, feeling numb even though traitorous tears were leaking from my eyes. I snapped photographs at random, barely aware of what I was looking at. There was only one picture in my head: the one where Sebastian held his ex-girlfriend. His beautiful, sexy, young ex-girlfriend.
I was angry, damn it! So it seemed my hypocrisy knew no bounds. I was angry because Sebastian had left me and gone off with Brenda – the slut who’d screwed his friend Jack. Yes, I was cheating on my husband; yes, I was an unfaithful wife. But I’d risked everything for Sebastian – everything. The life I’d known, jail time, a record – for fuck’s sake.
I had to watch him walk away and smile and smile while he played the villain. I was choked with jealousy and anger and more hurt than I could easily take.
I found myself at the ocean’s edge. The tide had turned and was beginning its slow journey back across the sun-warmed sand. The gentle lapping of water at my feet was soothing. I let my mind wander amongst the dizzying memories of the last three weeks – a ridiculously short amount of time during the course of a life. And yet… and yet I had never felt so alive: fear – as much as hope – had colored those weeks but I realized I didn’t have to go on like that.
I had expected too much from Sebastian: it wasn’t fair. He was so young… too young to be expected to take on everything I represented, with all my ridiculous insecurities and emotional baggage. If I truly cared for him, I would make it easy for him to go. Of course, it didn’t seem as if he’d need my blessing, the way Brenda had clung to him and the way he’d held her, too.
Much as my body, my whole being ached for his touch, I had a revelation: I was strong enough to make it on my own. He’d shown me how to be strong. Perhaps he’d given me his own strength: I didn’t know. One thing was certain: I couldn’t be with David anymore. And if Sebastian didn’t want me, there was no reason for me to stay.