She pushed against his chest with all her might. “Why?”
The anguished howl broke her—all the way. Her sobs tore through the last of the walls she’d constructed, and when she punched his chest with her fists, he gathered her into his arms and held her while she cried and cried and cried.
It might have been hours, she cried so long. All he could do was hold her, rub her back, kiss her head, pass her tissues when she couldn’t breathe through her sinuses—and swallow the razor blades in his throat because seeing her this broken broke him too.
When Natalie finally fell asleep, he let his own tears come.
Chapter 25
When Natalie awoke, dawn’s first rays were floating in through the windows in pink and orange ribbons. Her head felt like she’d been beating it against a wall all night. Her face was swollen, her throat scratchy. Beyond her body’s distress, the sound of Blake’s steady heartbeat echoed in her ears. The warmth from his body felt like a cocoon, as did the arms wrapped around her in a lax embrace.
As she came back to her senses, she could scarcely absorb everything. She hadn’t scared him away by letting herself lose control, by letting out some of the crazy grief balled up inside her. How wrong she’d been to leave him. She knew that now, and regret buffeted her like cold hail.
The last words Kim had spoken to her—ones she’d never told another soul—filtered into her mind.
Hold onto Blake, Nat. I swear…that man loves you more than football. I can’t wait…to see the family you create together. Laugh a lot for me. I’ll find you…when I hear.
She had lost everything, even herself, after Kim’s death. But no matter what she had done to drive him away, Blake had held on. And when her efforts to avoid the pain lurking within her had finally crumbled, he’d held her hand and faced it with her. She remembered something else from last night, something that cracked her heart in two. Blake had started softly crying as soon as she drifted off—she’d sensed it from somewhere in the periphery between sleep and wakefulness.
Pain might have separated them from each other, but last night, they’d made each other make-shift bandages.
Touchdown snored softly beside her. Blake’s chest had always been massive enough to hold them both. As massive as his heart. She inched her head up slowly so as not to wake him. His sandy brown hair rose in spikes on his head, and his mouth was open slightly, breathing the shallow air of sleep.
The truth stole over her like the stillness after a torrential downpour. She loved him. She really loved him. She’d never stopped. And while she felt hollowed out inside, there was also a peace and a clarity she hadn’t possessed yesterday.
The words he’d uttered last night—the ones from their wedding vows—came back to her.
In good times and bad.
They had certainly been dealt more than their share of bad lately, but before that, there had been so many good times. She had abandoned herself and her needs in the bad times, judging them to be madness, judging them to make her unlovable. She’d thought Blake would react the same way. She’d underestimated him.
As she studied the rise of his brow bone, the curve of his jaw, she thought of the vows she’d made to him all those years ago. At that time, she had lived such a life of privilege—the meaning hadn’t registered. She’d breezed over the words like the carefree bride she’d been, never doubting their love would be strong enough and steadfast enough for any lean winters ahead.
But all that had changed. The depth of her sadness over losing Kim had leached her bones with its coldness. And she had closed the door to herself and the one person who could bring spring back to her.
Blake.
Unable to hold back any longer, she inched her hand up and stroked the stubble on his jaw, feeling the bristles against her fingertips. Touchdown snorted loudly and then rose up beside her, his body shaking like he was trying to throw off water instead of sleep. The precious dog lapped at her face like he used to when the three of them awoke together. Then he looked at her with his sweet brown eyes like he was waiting for her to kiss Blake awake—something she’d always loved to do.