“Shit, man,” Zack said with a wheeze. “I know you have it in for Blake, but do you have to make the rest of us suffer?”
Grant launched into some colorful Snakes on a Plane quotes in the worst Samuel L. Jackson impression known to mankind. All of the guys laughed—except for Blake.
“I’m going to kill you, Jordan,” Blake ground out.
“So, you want to go first?” Jordan replied with a grin. “Great! Guys, this is Alice. She’s a…herpetologist from the Denver Zoo.”
“Say that three times fast,” Logan called out. “Hi, Alice.”
The woman didn’t crack a smile. Snake Woman was serious, and who could blame her? She hung out with giant snakes that could crush a man’s larynx in ten seconds. The Raiders should draft her.
“How many pounds did you say Zeus was again?” Jordan asked.
“Fifty-eight,” Alice informed them in what had to be her best lecture voice. “And here’s a little known fact about the difference between males and females. Females are larger in length and girth than males.”
Hunter snorted beer out of his nose. Brody barked out a laugh. Even Sam’s mouth twitched.
Okay, so Snake Woman had a sense of humor.
Jordan pretty much laughed like a loon. “Alice, you naughty, naughty girl, you.”
“Let’s take the snake out back,” Blake suggested.
There was no way in hell he was letting Jordan accidentally let that snake loose in his house. He didn’t wait for the guys to follow him. He felt something on the back of his neck and freaked, thinking it was the snake. It was only Grant, tickling his neck, a stupid grin on his face.
“You all planned this together,” he accused.
“Not everyone was in on it, but yes, we had to get creative. You’re pretty much indestructible when it comes to the Smuck competition. We had to take you down, Blake.”
Hunter walked by with a bounce in his step. “By any means necessary. Oh, this is going to be so good.”
“Just remember,” he warned, pointed his finger at them one by one. “You have to hold that bastard too.”
“Please, Blake,” Jordan crooned. “You’ll hurt Zeus’ feelings.”
He shot him a gaze that would have made most men tremble. Jordan only lifted the snake higher around his waist.
“Hey, Brody, if this snake wasn’t male, it would remind me of that yoga teacher you dated in college. You remember the one I mean? She was like some freaking contortionist.”
The wide receiver gave a deep sigh. “How could I forget? She could actually touch the top of her head with the soles of her feet while blowing bubble gum. I wonder what ever happened to her.”
Jordan cleared his throat, which doubled as a way to mask his laughter. “Okay, who wants to go first? I obviously have the record so far. What has it been? Like eight minutes so far.”
“Yep,” Logan said, holding out his smartphone. “We started the count the minute Zeus wrapped himself around Jordan.”
Convenient. Blake crossed his arms across his chest. No way he was going first.
“Okay, Blake can go last since he’s never been the Smuck.”
Alice looked a bit amused as she helped Jordan unwrap Zeus from his body. The snake’s tongue slithered out and touched the woman’s face. He flinched, and some of the guys jumped back.
“No f-ing way that snake is kissing me,” Zack said.
“Oh, don’t be a baby,” Hunter said, stepping forward to take the snake. “Don’t you have big snakes and shit down in Louisiana?”
“Do I look like I hang out in the bayou, Hunter Punter?” Zack replied, using their friend’s nickname from camp. Before his skills as a quarterback had become apparent, Hunter had been the punter. And he’d sucked. Bad.
“Call me Hunter Punter again, Zack Sprat, and we’ll see who gets kissed by the snake.”
Great. The childhood nicknames were coming out early this weekend.
“Just take the damn snake, Hunter,” Blake said, “or this is going to last all day. We have somewhere to be tonight.”
“Where are we going, Ace?” Logan asked.
Okay, so Blake had a cooler nickname than some of the other guys. “I rented out part of the local Irish bar in town called Hairy’s.”
“Awesome,” Brody said. “I’m assuming they have beer, pool, darts, and Irish music.”
“Take it easy, Riverdance,” Blake replied. “They have that and more.”
Hunter lasted a minute with Zeus. Zack clocked in at thirty-three seconds before yelping. And so it continued until they got to him.
Jordan was still in the lead with eight minutes plus, but then again, he’d always had a reptilian brain. Mr. Cool, Sam, had managed to come close at six minutes and fifty-eight seconds. The snake had stared him down and started to curl around his neck, thereby ending the standoff.