The Arrangement 16

Chapter 6

I know how to be frugal when needed, mom taught me well. A couple of hours later, I’m walking purposefully through the hospital lobby and wondering how far I’ll get before someone interferes. There’s not a Ferro in sight and Trystan is gone.

I walk into the elevator like I know what I’m doing. Sean must have been admitted last night. I just hope he’s still here. I get off at the fourth floor and attempt to walk past the desk when a nurse stops me.

“Excuse me, dear, do you have permission to be here?” The nurse is middle aged with bags under her eyes from a lifetime of working the nightshift.

I walk over to her, ready to cry. The lump in my throat tightens. “I think so. Sean Ferro is on this floor, right?” When she only stares at me with those dark brown eyes, I stammer on, making it up as I go. “Peter called and told me what happened. He said I could come down now. Do I have the right time? Unless, oh God, has something gone wrong?” I start shaking and cover my mouth to muffle a sob.

The nurse comes around the counter. She drapes an arm over my shoulder. “No, honey, I didn’t mean to frighten you. He’s stable, but he’s not on this floor anymore. They moved him to the east wing on five. Would you like me to take you to him? His mother may still be there. She was here earlier.”

“Constance was here?” The nurse nods and starts walking me toward the elevator. “Martha, I’ll be right back,” she calls to another nurse.

When the elevator doors slip shut behind us she says, “It’s terrible that no one knew the truth all these years. What that man must have lived through.” She shakes her head. “It’s clear that you’re a friend of the family, because no one calls Pete Ferro, Peter.”

“I am. Actually, Sean and I were engaged.” I tell her the truth because it’s pressing on me so hard that I might burst. “I broke it off with him and then this happened.”

The nurse’s jaw drops. For a second, she does nothing. Then, suddenly, I’m in a bear hug and smashed against her soft body. “Oh, honey! The guilt you must feel. I can’t even imagine it.” She prattles on about how it’s not my fault and that there’s a chance for every couple, something about stars, and I zone out because it’s all a lie. Everything she assumes is wrong.

I’m silent, wiping tears that roll down my cheeks until we stop in front of his door. The name plaque says S Ferr. She smirks at me. “We took off the last letter so people would leave him alone.” When I don’t reach for the handle, she prompts me. “Go on honey.”

I lift my hand, but it trembles. My fingers rest on the lever, but don’t push down. I can’t. “What if he doesn’t want to see me?”

“What if, is a horrible question. Besides, the only way to find out the real answer is to walk into that room. If you want, I’ll wait right here, but I don’t think he’ll protest—not with the amount of medicine he’s had. That bullet skimmed his rib and dislodged a chunk of bone. They spent the better part of the morning in surgery removing the shard so it didn’t puncture his lung. He’s a lucky man—in regard to that, anyway. Go on in and I’ll wait here in case he throws you out.”

“Really?” She shouldn’t be talking to me. I’m not family and I doubt my name is on his papers. For some reason, this woman is being kind to me—me, Avery Nobody, in my jeans and T-shirt, with Trystan’s leather jacket over my arm. I don’t look like a Ferro. I don’t look like anyone who could know him, but she’s kind to me regardless.

“Of course, honey. People act real odd after being through something like that, so give him time. A near miss changes people.”

I offer a half smile. “Nothing changes Sean.”


“That’s where you’re wrong. That bullet changes everything. You’ll see. Go on, I’ll wait.” I don’t know what she means, but I need to talk to him. I need to tell him that I’m sorry, that I should have stood by him.

I crack the door and peer through. There’s a dim light glowing, casting shadows on his face. Sean’s eyes flutter open and lock on mine. He watches me, saying nothing. My heart pounds harder as I open the door all the way and step inside. “May I come in?”

Sean’s gaze flicks to the nurse in the hallway and then back to me. He nods once and lifts a hand, indicating that I should come in and sit across from his bed.

“See, I told you. Whatever quarrel you had is over. Go make up with your man and put that ring back on your finger. Some people never get a second chance. You two are lucky.” She closes the door and as soon as it clicks shut, I want to race over to Sean and wrap my arms around him. I was so scared he was gone. The shot still rings in my ears and the whole horrific thing replays behind my eyes over and over again.

Sean is in a hospital robe with an IV in his arm. His dark hair is messy, but those blue eyes are alert and cautious. “Sit.” His voice is scratchy, like he needs water.

I take the seat opposite him. The words and fears I’d been holding in come rushing out. “I’m so glad you’re all right. When I heard the shot, I thought he hit me, but then you didn’t move. I thought he killed you. Sean, things are so complicated, but I know I want you in my life. If you’ve given up on us, I’ll walk out that door and never bother you again, but if for some reason you haven’t, if you still love me,” pressing my lips together, I get out of my chair and go and kneel next to his bed, “I want to be with you.”

We’re both quiet for a moment. Despite his stern gaze, I manage to say the rest, “Do you love me? After everything I put us through, and all the promises I broke, I can only beg. I deserted you when you finally trusted me. Sean, I was so scared, but last night frightened me more. I want you on any level you’ll have me. I can’t live without you, don’t you see? You’re my other half.” Tears are streaming down my face as I speak and my voice becomes softer and softer, but Sean doesn’t answer. His dark piercing gaze remains fixated on mine, harsh and unrelenting.

Continuing, I say, “This was my fault and you were trying. I just didn’t know what to do—that day in the box, the way you seemed gone. It scared me. I won’t lie to you—it was the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me. The only thing that frightened me more was seeing you fall last night. I thought you were gone forever. A life without you is impossible. Please tell me that I haven’t lost you. Sean, please say something. Either way, put me out of my misery.” I squeeze his hand and begin to withdraw mine when he clasps it, holding on tightly.

“It’s my fault. He’s gone, Avery. I f*cked up.” Sean tilts his head back into the pillows and looks up at the ceiling. “I didn’t think I was capable of f*cking things up like this, but it’s beyond that. I’m so far gone they should have left me to bleed out on the stage floor. I deserve it. There’s nothing that will make up for this.”

“What are you talking about? Sean…” I get up and sit on the edge of the bed, thinking he’s not as coherent as I thought he was. I examine his face for signs of a head injury, but don’t see one. My fingers take hold of his sheet. I pull it down slowly, waiting for him to stop me, but he doesn’t.

Sean tries to take a deep breath and winces. That’s when he looks at me and I freeze. “Go ahead and look. That’s what you want, right? To see if I’m disgusting on the outside now, too.”

“Sean!” I can’t believe he said that.

He lifts his robe revealing himself along with a bandaged torso. “I survived and he died—it’s so wrong.” He drops the robe and for a moment I’m afraid. Sean doesn’t sound right. He’s lucid, but his voice is off. “The f*cking bullet misses me, but it didn’t miss him. I had a plan, but that a*shole didn’t give me the chance and the gun. He f*cking had the gun.” Sean’s big blue eyes meet mine. “Tell me you didn’t give it to him. Please, tell me that it wasn’t you.”

Bryan, we’re talking about Bryan. I don’t understand anything he just said except for the gun. I took it from the cabin. I was afraid they’d find the pilot I killed and blame Sean, so I kept it. I lied to his face over and over again. That gun shot Amanda. That gun was tied to so many bad things, but when Bryan asked for it he told me he had a plan. He also said he wouldn’t tell Sean he had it.

Swallowing hard, I say, “Bryan told you?” Oh shit. I stiffen and try to back away, but Sean grabs my wrist.

“I knew Bryan asked for it. Pete asked for it too, but things were better my way. I knew what I was doing, Avery. I trusted you and you gave the gun to him? F*ck. I knew how to live with the scorn and the public ready to tear me apart, but not this. I can’t endure this. Avery, they think Bryan did it—they think he killed Amanda. Mother came by a few moments ago and told me everything; so don’t pretend that I can’t handle it. Don’t handle me with kid gloves and come in here pretending to want to patch things up when you’re really here to see if it’s true.”

“If what’s true? Sean, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The machine behind him starts to beep. His heart is racing too fast. I speak quickly, in a soothing voice, realizing that something has him upset, but without access to the rest of the world for a day, I don’t know what happened. “Shhhh, it’s okay. I’m sorry. It’ll be okay.”

The beeping stops and he stares at me. “Bryan didn’t do it. I can’t let him take the blame for it, but they don’t listen and Mother let them think it. Hallie. God, the look on her face… It wasn’t supposed to go that way. It was my fault, my mistake, and he took the hit. Now he’s gone.”

It finally sinks in. I blink once, becoming acutely aware of everything. “Are you saying Bryan’s dead?”

Sean looks up into my face with sorrow and remorse. “It was my fault. The other night when I left you with Trystan, there was a reason. It didn’t play out right. I was trying to help him and I f*cked it up, Avery. Everything I touch dies. Everyone around me is poisoned. I can’t stand it. It’s my fault he’s gone too soon. It’s my fault he had my gun and everyone thinks he killed Amanda.

“I could live with it, you know. I had a grasp on my identity even though no one else knew. It was fine—they didn’t have to know me. I shut them all out, every single one, even you. You were right to walk away. It was your only chance. I can’t take you back. I won’t. I love you too much. I can’t do this again, Avery—I can’t.” His voice breaks on the last two words and he covers his face with his arm, hiding the tears on his cheek.

Taking his wrist, I lift his arm slightly and peer at him. Those blue eyes catch mine, and I see so much sorrow that I can barely hold his gaze. “I love you, too, and I’m not leaving. Not now, not ever.”

His arm slips to his side and his voice picks up a pleading tone. “You have to. I won’t marry you, not today, not tomorrow. I can’t fathom the life I’m about to have, and to pull you down with me is cruel. It’s unfair to you, Avery, and I won’t do it. I want you to have the life you dreamed of with the picket fence and the baby playing in the yard. I can see you there. I’ll help you get there, but you’ll have to go without me. I can’t cause you more pain, I couldn’t live with myself.”


Despite the words, the way he says that I need to stay away, I’m drawn to him. His candor is rare and in these moments I feel more connected to him than ever before. Leaning in closer and closer, my heart pounds harder and harder, until we’re lip to lip. Sean stops and I stare into his eyes, certain that I see his soul. He’s afraid, so full of fear that he can’t speak.

Brushing my fingers along his cheek, I wipe away a tear. “Did you say you love me?”

Sean tries to look away, but I don’t let him. Taking his chin in my hand, I pull it back toward me. “Avery, don’t.”

“I know you’re at your breaking point. I see it, my love. Trust me, just a little bit, just for tonight. Say anything, dream anything, and pretend that you have me.”

Sean looks hopeful. “You’ll stay the night?”

I nod. “If you’ll let me.”

“What about Scott?”

Smiling at his jealousy, I say, “I love you. Trystan’s just my friend. He’s not you.” Our eyes lock and something in the moment shifts. I see the walls fall and the relief flood from his heart. Guilt flares inside of me. The thing with Trystan isn’t clear, I can’t tell him that it’s possible we slept together and now isn’t the time. Sean needs someone. It sounds like his awful mother came in, told him he was responsible for his cousin’s death and left.

“Scott said I’d lose you if I wasn’t careful, and then he took you away from me. I thought I’d lost you.”

“You didn’t.” I smile down at him.

“I can’t keep you.” He lifts his hand and gently strokes my cheek. He’s hardly ever touched me that way and it sends a shiver through my body. Need flares and I want to be close to him and lay on his chest, but that’s not possible. He’s bandaged and it would hurt him to press on him there.

“You can, for tonight. I’m yours. I’m your friend, your confidant, maybe even your purchase, if you’d like.” I kid about the last part, but he still looks leery. “Sean, accept my help for once. You don’t have to fight off your past on your own, and God knows I don’t want to be alone either. Let me stay.” I kick off my cheap flip-flops and slip into bed with him. I lie on my side and pull the blanket over my jeans, and then prop my head up with my arm until we’re eye to eye. “Tell me to stay, Mr. Jones.”

The corners of his lips twitch, as if he wants to smile. “I can’t. I want to, but I can’t.”

The IV makes a noise and one of the little bags begins to empty. Sean’s eyelids flutter and I know it’s pumping him full of something that’s going to knock him out. Stroking the side of his face, I whisper it again, commanding him, “Tell me to stay, Sean Ferro. You need me here. Say it.”

“No.” His dark lashes close and then open, his sapphire eyes locking on mine.

“You need me.”

His voice is barely there. “I do.”

“Then, tell me to stay.”

“I won’t.”

“You will.”

Sean smirks at me and his shoulders relax. The meds hit him hard and it seems like he can breathe easier again. “I’ve always loved you. You know that, but we have too many demons.”

“I have a box we can shove them in.” Sean laughs once and then winces. It’s so good to see him smile, but I probably shouldn’t be making him laugh right now. “I’m so sorry. Are you all right?”

“Yeah, but I can’t do that, f*ck that hurt.”

Something strange occurs to me and I know what it is. What I just did to him, it’s like the power he feels holding a woman within her fear—it’s a control thing—but it’s more than that. It’s erotic. I feel horrible for even thinking it, but I want to make him laugh again. I want to make him writhe with pleasure or pain. Maybe both. I watch him closely and drag a finger over his chest lightly. “Is this what it’s like? Feeling what you feel? Doing what you do? I could make you say anything right now, do anything.”

He watches me, and I know he’s trying to be careful, but the medicine impairs his judgment. He speaks freely. “It’s raw power, controlling someone like that.”

I hesitate, not certain that I want to cross this line. “It is. Now, tell them that I can stay.”

“I can’t. I want you to, but I love you too much. You need to go. Stay away from us, all of us. Leave Long Island, Avery. Start over. Please, I’m begging you.” And he is, for the first time in a long time, Sean Ferro is begging me to do something, but there’s no way I’m leaving him like this. Not now, not ever.

Leaning down, I press my lips to his ear, kissing him softly. “Tell them that I can stay. It’s a command, Sean. Say it. Now.” I press the call button on the bed and an intercom comes on. Static buzzes.

Sean watches me closely, his eyes silently begging me not to cross the line, but I already have. In my mind, I can see myself doing it. My fingers are already on the bandaged rib. I watch his eyes as I begin to slowly press, causing pain to shoot through him. He stiffens and grits his jaw, but his gaze remains locked on mine.

A female voice asks, “Yes?”

I respond, “Sean wants me to stay for the night. Is that all right?”

“If that’s what Mr. Ferro would like, yes, he can have one guest remain with him. Would you like me to let the staff know that she’s staying with you?”

Sean doesn’t speak, so I press harder. He grimaces, trying not to give in. I whisper in his ear, making sure my lips touch the sensitive spots, feeling horrible and wonderful at the same time. “Tell her, yes. Say it.” I jab hard, once.

Sean’s voice comes out loud and clear, almost an eager yell. “Yes!” I remove my hand from his bandages and watch him, feeling cruel and something else—something that scares me—but it tempts me, too. The nurse says she’ll bring blankets in a little bit and the intercom goes silent.

Sean is watching me closely, his eyes full of pain and lust. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“You would have.”

He doesn’t deny it. Instead his gaze moves over me slowly, taking me in. “Pain is power and it excites some people.”

“Some people, meaning you?”

He nods. “And possibly you. Check and see.”

I smile awkwardly. “What do you mean?”

“Are you wet, Avery? Did that little display of control turn you on?” I gape at him, not wanting to answer, but even drugged he recognizes my delay. “Show me. Put your fingers in your panties and then touch them to my mouth. Let me see for myself.”

“No.”

“We passed that part. Do it.” He’s stern, but there’s no way he can make me, not like this.

I know what it did, but I don’t want to share this information. Either way, it’s too late. When I fail to move, Sean slips his hand under the hem of my shirt. His sapphire eyes lock on mine as his palm slips over my stomach, then past my waist and lower. My mouth opens and I gasp as he touches me, every bit as sensitive as if I’d been lusting after him for hours. His fingers move and he takes his hand out, bringing his fingers to his lips and licking them one by one.

I laugh. “You’re exaggerating, Mr. Jones.”

“You have no idea what turns you on, Miss Smith. I think you might be a power junkie, because you are way too wet for that whole little display to not have had any effect on you.” He smirks slightly.


“What was that? You think this is funny?” I lean in closer to his face, careful not to lean on him. God, he’s beautiful. His scent fills my head and I love moments like this, when he says whatever he’s thinking and doesn’t hold back. I don’t deserve this chance. Last time he put his confidence in me, I pushed him away. I feel bad for a second, like I’m taking advantage of him. He could be pissed about this come morning, but I can’t pull away from him. I’m greedy and I’ll take what I can get. Life is too short not to.

“No,” his voice is light and he smiles at me. “I’m just glad our relationship being in shambles isn’t all my fault. Part of it is, I’m certain, but not all of it. You can’t be that wet, that turned on by a two second display of pain if it’s not hardwired into you.”

“That’s not true. I was just messing around.”

“No, you weren’t. And that’s what did it, right? It was intentional and there’s something wrong with it, right? Baby, I know all about it. You can tell me. You don’t have to be afraid of it.” His hand strokes my cheek as he pulls me close and kisses me lightly.

His words scare me, but something flutters in my stomach and it’s freeing. “It was cruel.” Shame flushes my face and I go to push off the bed, but he grabs me.

“I said you could stay, so stay. Use me, if that’s what you want. Make me scream out in pain. They’ll just give me more meds, and then you can do it again.” His eyes sparkle with delight, like he wants me to do it.

But I shy away. “I’m never doing anything like that again. I’ve hurt you enough to last a lifetime.” I pull away, but the words he seeded in my mind make my stomach twist and parts of me tingle even though they shouldn’t.

“If we stay together, it’ll happen again—to you, to me. You can’t hide that forever, Avery. It’ll tear you apart inside.” Sean’s eyes flutter and I know he’s not able to stay awake. “I’ve made mistakes that I can’t fix and it kills me. Every time I look at you, I see me a few years before Amanda died and took the baby with her. It was my fault, that’s why I let them blame me. I died that day and you’ve been living with that man’s ghost.”

“There are days that I can’t look in the mirror. I’ve caused so many people such horrible heartache. They never forgave me, and they shouldn’t. I can’t forgive me either. I should have gone home that day. I should have noticed, but I didn’t. That’s what happens to me—everything I touch turns to ash. I’ve tried so hard not to turn into my father that I never saw I was becoming my mother. She’s dead inside. When she came to visit earlier, her idea of a greeting was to kick the bed and ask me if I was still alive. She sounded disappointed when I replied.”

Sean blinks slowly at me. “The day that you jumped on the back of my bike, my world was tipped on its side. I’ve never seen anyone fight for life the way you do. I wish I could be the guy who takes you in his arms and lets you rest. I wish I could ease your pain and make your struggles lessen, but life is pain and by now I know better. I can’t go back to who I was, what I was. If I was a little lighter and you were a little darker, maybe we could meet in the middle and have a real chance, but you’re the sun and I’m the moon. We chase each other in the sky, but never meet for long. It’s not meant to be, no matter how much I love you. I have to let you go. I’m sorry.”

His words break the dam that I’ve been hiding behind and tears flow freely from my eyes. He doesn’t notice and keeps talking, jabbing each word deeper into the open wounds. He understands me more than I knew, and he feels so much more than I thought. Sean isn’t made of ice like Constance. They’re not the same, no matter what he thinks.

“I’m sorry, too—for everything.” Sitting next to him on the bed, I stroke his dark hair as he falls asleep. I doubt he’ll remember any of this in the morning, but I’ll have this memory forever. It’s the confession of a man broken to pieces with demons tearing at his soul night and day. There’s no peace, no release from the pain that haunts him. He’s pushing me away because he doesn’t want me to become him.

The thing is, it’s too late, because I already am.