The Arrangement 16

Chapter 4

I wander, not thinking about where I’m going, letting my subconscious mind take over. Before long, I sit down on the curb in front of my parents’ house. There’s a realty sign on the front lawn with the word SOLD dangling beneath. My stomach twists as I realize it’s changing owners again. I wish I could have bought it, but I have no money. I’m a high-dollar call girl, offered a madamship—if that’s even what it’s called when a hooker interns as a madam—and here I am homeless, helpless.

The void stirs within me. I need something to cling to, something that feels solid. I thought that something was Sean. I loved him. I still do, and now he won’t see me. Why would he say that?

Maybe Logan made it up. Maybe he didn’t want me near his cousin for some reason, but no logical explanation comes to mind. It sounds like something Sean would say—especially if he doesn’t trust himself around me. If I’d taken the shot, I would have asked for him as soon as possible. But that isn’t what happened. He pushed me out of the way and the bullet went into him, not me.

Sean was acting smitten before the concert. I knew he was worried that someone would try to hurt me. In so many ways he’s been right about everything. I was wrong and na?ve. I made promises and then broke them. I said I’d be there for him and I wasn’t. Guilt twists inside of me until I’m ready to puke on the lawn. I was the worst kind of friend to him. I didn’t keep my word. I promised him that I wanted all of him, the dark, the light, and the monster within. He finally trusted me and gave himself to me, and I couldn’t handle it. He was right to hide from me, to push me away. He knew that his demons were bigger than I’d known.

But now, nearly losing him, I can’t bear to think of my life without him. The fact that he’s so broken, so miserable that he needs to exert control over a woman to get off frightens me. What happens when that’s not enough anymore? That was the reason I backed off, the reason I left him. It felt like I was feeding his darkness instead of saving him from it. I wanted to be the one who brought him through the darkness and back into the light.

I wanted to save him. I still do.

Easy, Avery. He’s still breathing. That’s enough for tonight—he’s alive. Be thankful for what you have. Stay in the moment.

Stay in the moment. I’ve said that to myself so many times. When life is ready to crush me, when the massive hammer is hanging over my head, I tell myself to live breath by breath. It works, but it’s a painful way to live. Sometimes it seems like a happy ending isn’t something I’ll get. My cards weren’t dealt that way, but I won’t be given more than I can handle. I can handle this. I can get through this.

I stare blankly for hours, watching the sunrise over the houses until streaks of pink and gold mingle together and chase away the inky night. When the first ray of light hits my face, I want to cry. Trystan’s words come back and I realize how much I’ve lost tonight.

Pushing up, I decide to go peek in a window. The grass under my feet crunches as I peer into my old home. It’s empty. The house sits silently reminding me of better times. This place was my anchor in the storm, and now I have none. As I walk around to the back, an idea forms. I have nowhere to live. I can’t go back to the dorm. There’s nowhere to sleep and I’m not safe going to any of my usual spots. No one will look for me here, not inside the house.

Before I have time to think about it, my fist smashes through a pane of glass in the kitchen door. I reach in and unlock it, slipping inside before anyone notices me.

I refuse to drift anymore. I refuse to accept this is my life and I have nothing to show for it.

Padding inside, I watch as the morning sun pierces through the blinds, displaying shafts of light on the carpet. The house looks the same as it did when my parents were here. The last owners didn’t even change the wallpaper. I wander into the empty living room and sit down. It’s not long before I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling.

Closing my eyes, I call out to her, even though I know she can’t hear me, “Mom, I need you.”

The stillness of the house cocoons me until I fall asleep.