I stood there in his towel, on his cold tile floor. I was naked with the scent of his body wash swirling up around me. I turned on my heel and found my jeans, pulling them on before I could find my underwear. I slipped on my bra and tugged my shirt back in place. My hair was still sopping wet and it seeped down the back of my black t-shirt, chilling me to the bone.
Dean came to stand at the door of his bathroom with his towel hung low on his hips. He crossed his arms and turned his dark eyes on me. In the light, when the sun caught them, his eyes turned a golden brown, so bright that I had to look away. In that moment, in the dim light of his room, they were dark pools of black, emotionless and cold.
“Lily, we’re making this up as we go along. I never made you any promises. You said it yourself, this thing between us is just sex.”
His voice sounded dead and my eyes stung with unshed tears.
I didn’t want him to speak and I sure as shit didn’t want to hear his explanations.
“You’ll find a better man than me.”
I stared at the ground and blinked away the tears threatening to spill.
“You think this is a life, Dean? You think those restaurants will make you happy? One day you’ll wake up and realize that you’re completely alone, and your insides will twist with regret. No man is an island. Not even you.”
I stepped toward him and pointed my finger at his chest. His jaw tightened, but he held his ground, committed to his decision.
“And you know what? I’ll have moved on. I’m not waiting around for you, Dean Harper. I’m not begging you to change or standing by as you pretend the past few weeks haven’t been the best weeks of your life. Challenging, yes, but don’t tell me that you’d trade them. So have fun at your awards ceremony. I’m sure it’ll feel good to stand on that stage alone with a bunch of strangers clapping for you.”
I turned away and he stayed in that doorway. I walked out of his room, down the stairs, and out the front door, and he stood still, watching me walk out of his life like it was the easiest thing he’d ever done.
I held onto the fact that I hadn’t cried in front of him. I convinced myself that the insults I’d flung had been well-worded. I wanted my barbed words to sink deep and fester inside him. I still had a thousand things I wanted to yell, but it was done. Dean was in his house and I was walking home alone with wet hair and wet cheeks. I skipped the subway and ignored the cabs. I walked until my feet hurt and I used the burn in my legs to distract me from the burn in my heart.
My phone was silent the entire way home. No text messages, no phone calls. Dean didn’t run out after me and he didn’t care enough to know if I made it home okay.
I was relieved to find the apartment empty. I tore at my clothes, tossing them into the trash on the way to the bathroom. They were sweaty and filled with memories I wanted erased by the morning. I turned on the shower and stepped inside. I squeezed shampoo over my scalp once, and then again, trying to expunge the scent of Dean.
I lathered myself in body wash from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and let it linger before washing it away with scalding water. I brought my arm to my nose and sniffed, feeling my heart break when I still smelled him there. His masculine scent overpowered my flowery body wash. I cried and scraped at my skin, sliding down to the floor of the shower. My fingers scrubbed furiously as I let his words haunt me.
I never made you any promises.
For all the progress we’d made, he still treated us like a contract that hadn’t been signed. I cried and let the water blend with my tears. The salty mixture disappeared past my lips as I curled into a ball.
I just wanted to get his scent off me.
I wanted to get him off me.
I wanted him gone.
Chapter Forty-Five
Dean
I let Lily walk out of my apartment and I stood there frozen. I was pushing her away for good; I knew it, and I couldn’t stop myself. Lily was a distraction at best and a liability at worst. I would have picked up on cues that something was amiss with Hunter had Lily not soaked up my attention during staff meetings. Looking back, there'd been plenty of signs that Hunter had been up to no good. It had worked out in the end, but I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. For the time being, my focus would remain on work.
…
Lily had walked out of my life the week before and I’d gotten more work done in those seven days than I had in months. I’d worked late every night and I’d have continued on like that forever, but the James Beard Awards wasn’t an event to skip. Every top chef, restaurateur, food critic, and journalist was in attendance, crammed into small red velvet seats awaiting the moment when the awards ceremony gave way to the cocktail hour. We’d all stand around for an hour or two ass-kissing the hell out of anyone we could manage to snag a minute with, but hopefully I’d be wearing a James Beard medal around my neck as I did it.