I first met Chuck in Germany. He had a successful military career—twenty-three years under his belt. However, in his own words, “My marriage is in shambles. I don’t understand love and I’m not sure you can keep love alive in a military marriage. I was madly in love with my first wife. We were high school sweethearts. We got married right after graduation, and a month later I joined the military. The first couple of years were exciting, but eventually our love grew cold. We seemed like roommates living in the same house. On the day after our tenth anniversary, she went home to visit her mother and never returned. I didn’t feel all that bad about it because by this time neither one of us loved each other.”
“What about your second marriage?” I inquired.
“It was about a year after our divorce that I met Cathy. At the time, she was also in the military. It was one of those ‘love at first sight deals,’” he said. “It was great. We had an awesome marriage until we got assigned to different bases. That was tough. So a year later, she left the military so we could be together. Then, the baby came along and things changed. We never rediscovered the connection we had in the first year of our marriage. It was like our love evaporated. She and our son left last Tuesday to go back to the States, and I know it’s just a matter of time until she files for divorce.”
“When things were going well, how did you express your love to Cathy?” I asked.
“I told her how beautiful she was. I told her I loved her. I told her how proud I was to be her husband. But after three or four years, she started complaining about petty things at first—like my not taking the garbage out, or my not hanging up my clothes. Later she went to attacking my character, telling me she didn’t feel she could trust me, accusing me of being unfaithful to her. She became a totally negative person. When I met her she was one of the most positive people I had ever known. That’s one of the things that attracted me to her; she never complained about anything. Everything I did was wonderful, but after a few years, I could do nothing right. I really think I tried. I honestly don’t know what happened.”
I could tell Chuck was experiencing internal struggle over what was going on in his marriage, so I said, “You still love Cathy, don’t you?”
“I think I do,” he said. “I don’t have the kind of love I had when we first got married, but I certainly don’t want a divorce. I think we could have made it, but I don’t think Cathy wants to work on the marriage.” I could tell this strong warrior had a wounded heart.
“Did things go downhill after the baby was born?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “I felt like she gave all of her attention to the baby, and I no longer mattered. It was as if her goal in life was to have a baby, and after the baby she no longer needed me.”
“Did you tell her that?” I asked.
“Yes, I told her. She said I was crazy. She said I did not understand the stress of being a twenty-four-hour nurse, and I should be more understanding and help her more. I really tried, but it didn’t seem to make any difference. After that we just grew apart. After a while there was no love left, just deadness.”
Chuck continued the conversation and I listened. “What happened to love after the first year of marriage?” he asked. “Is my experience common? Is that why we have so many divorces in the military? I can’t believe this has happened to me twice. And those who don’t divorce, do they learn to live with the emptiness, or does love really stay alive in some marriages?”
The questions Chuck asked are the questions thousands of military couples are asking. Sometimes the answers are couched in psychological research jargon that is almost incomprehensible. Sometimes they are couched in humor and folklore. Most of the jokes and pithy sayings contain some truth, but they are often like offering an aspirin to a person with cancer.
The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Books abound on the subject. Television and radio talk shows deal with it. The Internet is full of advice. So are our parents and friends. Keeping love alive in our marriages is serious business.
With all the help available from media experts, why is it so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding?
THE TRUTH WE’RE MISSING