Eighteen
You’ll know it when you see it, Rachael had said. Maddie replayed those words in her head as she gaped at the enormous tree house perched in the tall cloister of trees in front of them.
“They must be on timers,” MJ said, confusing her.
“What are on timers?”
“The lights.” He nodded toward the wall of windows beyond the wraparound front porch, brightly lit with a warm, yellow glow.
It was the first he’d spoken since dinner, and Maddie was dying to tap into his thoughts. “Merrick had this place built for Rachael? Wow.”
He tread onto the first step of the arching staircase, gripping the railing. “Must be for them to have some privacy when other people are here.”
She felt her heart speed. She wanted privacy—with him. A jolt of longing shot straight to her center. She couldn’t allow herself to feel this way about MJ for one second more. Somehow, she had to purge herself of all of her emotions tied to MJ.
Maddie passed the lit lanterns sitting atop the balusters and followed him up the curved steps to the porch. She knew he was afraid of heights and noted how he stayed close to the house as he jiggled the key in the lock and pushed the door open.
“Whoa,” he said, stopping on the threshold.
She peered around him and inhaled sharply. It was beautiful. The definition of love nest. A sunken hot tub sat in the center of the room with a wet bar to one side, plush white carpeting and a soft, white sofa and chairs against the opposite wall.
MJ stepped inside and she followed. “This looks like the only room down here,” he said. “Bedroom must be upstairs.”
Maddie’s eyes roamed up a spiral, wrought-iron staircase to where it disappeared into the second floor. “Must be.” She shivered.
“Are you cold?”
“No.” The shiver was anticipation of what could happen between them if they climbed those spiral stairs to the bedroom.
MJ’s eyes followed hers to the staircase before darkening with need. She knew that look so well, had seen it hundreds of times. Had loved how she could make him want her so badly.
He started toward her, and she backed up, bumping into the railing. MJ gripped the balusters on either side of her waist, trapping her. He lowered his head and pressed his lips to the curve of her neck. All of the tension ran out of her body at his touch. “MJ,” she warned, but wasn’t sure if the warning was meant for her or for him. She gripped the hem of her shorts, willing herself not to touch him back.
He touched her nose with his and very slowly turned his head from side to side. “Do you want me to stop?”
She couldn’t stand it. She’d never wanted something so badly in her life—something she knew in her heart belonged to her—that she couldn’t have.
MJ took her hands, threaded their fingers and raised them above her head, pinning them against the railing that climbed above her. He angled his head, his lips only an inch from hers. “Mads,” he breathed, “you belong to me.”
“I know,” she whispered back. “But I can’t have you.”
“Like hell you can’t.” He pressed his lips to hers, and hunger for him consumed her. She squeezed his hands, pressed her body against his and parted her lips, savoring every soft, wet inch of his mouth.
He tasted of lost memories, hope, anguish, home. He tasted so familiar, it brought tears to her eyes. Her MJ.
God, she’d missed the feel of his hands on her skin, his body pressed against hers, his ragged whispers against her flesh promising his love forever.
One moment being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and she’d let fate tear them apart? How could she ever walk away from him? How would she do it again?
Deepening their kiss even more, MJ let go of her hands and wrapped his arms around her waist. Picking her up, he headed toward the couch.
Maddie broke away from him. “No. I can’t,” she said, her breath heaving, and head spinning.
“Yes,” he insisted, gently biting her bottom lip.
“MJ…”
“Shh… It’s just you and me. Here. Now. Don’t think, just feel.” He lowered her onto her back on the couch and knelt between her knees. “I’m not giving you up without a fight. You can’t leave me this time unless you swim back.”
He leaned toward her and she braced her hands against his chest. Her resolve was weak. She couldn’t even collect her thoughts to utter a protest.
MJ took her hands and placed them on either side of her head. His eyes roamed from the top of her head down to her collarbone, then back up to her eyes. She saw the pain shoot through them and felt it echo in her chest.
“What did I do wrong?” he whispered. “What made you leave me?”
She felt the slow burn behind her eyes and couldn’t stop it. Tears gathered, blurring her vision. She blinked hard and his finger traced one down her cheek.
“Tell me,” he urged.
She closed her eyes, squeezing out even more tears, and he kissed her. It was gentle and patient. He loved her. She’d never questioned it, but his kiss conveyed just how much she meant to him. The feelings she’d held back for so long surfaced and overwhelmed her, coming out in a heaving sob against his lips.
“Mads?” He stroked her cheeks with his thumbs. “Talk to me.”
“I can’t.” She shifted underneath him and sniffled while she wiped her eyes. “Please. Not right now.” He wasn’t in any state of mind to hear the truth.
He slammed his hand into the back of the couch, making her flinch. “Then when?” he shouted. “You never said goodbye. You were just gone. You tore my f*cking life apart, Maddie! And you can’t tell me why?”
He clenched his jaw and lowered his forehead against her chest. “Do you know how absolutely destroyed I was?” He looked up with a scornful smile on his face. “I still am. I can’t get over you. I can’t stop wanting you. It’s a f*cking nightmare I live every single day. Then you come back with that f*cking ring.”
He shot up onto his knees, grabbed his shirt and tore it over his head. Grabbing her hand, he pressed her fingernails into his chest. “Why don’t you rip me open and tear my heart out. That’s what you’re doing, so quit dragging it out and end me.”
Maddie had never seen the desperate, crazed look in his eyes. She did this to him. She’d caused him this pain he couldn’t hide from her anymore.
His arms dropped to his sides, his chin to his chest. “Do you know the complete f*cking horror of watching the only person you ever trusted walk away from you?”
Maddie couldn’t stand it one more second. She had to take his pain away. Now was not the time to tell him why she left. She couldn’t tell him she loved him, and saying I’m sorry wouldn’t be good enough. So, she’d show him in the only way that mattered.
She got to her knees on the couch in front of him and took his face in her hands. “MJ,” she whispered, and waited until he brought his dark, distant eyes to hers before repeating his words back to him. “Here. Now. Don’t think, just feel.”
Maddie brushed her lips against his, testing his response. He took a deep, jerky breath, then pulled her to him, crushing his lips against hers. His tongue pushed into her mouth demanding more. His hands ran up the back of her shirt, then around to the front. His fingers slipped inside her bra while he trailed kisses across her jaw to her neck.
She let her head fall back and thanked God for giving her this time with him. She’d pay whatever the price was to make MJ forget his pain for as long as she could—to make her forget how long it had felt like she was missing a limb, a vital organ, without MJ in her life.
She ran her fingers through his dark, wavy hair, nuzzled her nose in it, breathing him in. He tugged down the V-neck of her T-shirt and found her breast, licked and sucked her nipple sending waves of heat on a path leading straight between her legs.
Her chest heaved, her back arched, giving him more. He could have all of her, even if it could never happen again. She’d remember this moment for the rest of her life. She’d think of this night and feel these feelings that were stronger than anything she’d ever felt. At least she’d have this memory to keep with her and know she’d once been able to love this much. She’d once been loved by him in return.
Tears streamed down her cheeks again, landing in his hair. He glanced up with a flurry of emotion in his eyes. “Stop?” he asked.
She shook her head. “No,” she sobbed.
He rose on his knees and kissed her cheeks, her nose, her eyes, her forehead. Then he eased her back down onto the couch, turning them so she lay on top.
She loved lying on him, feeling him breathing underneath her, resting her head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat. She never thought she’d find herself here again.
MJ gathered her hair behind her head with one hand and kissed her while hitching her knee up beside his hip with the other. He clutched the back of her thigh, tracing his fingers up under the leg of her shorts.
Maddie was so lost to his kiss and his touch, she could barely catch her breath. She pulled her lips from his and kissed her way down his neck to his chest. She couldn’t fight her desire and didn’t want to. This was MJ. She shouldn’t have to fight it. She ground her hips against his, and felt his erection press between her legs. The sensation made them both groan.
MJ grabbed her other leg and pulled it up by his hip so her legs were open to him and thrust against her.
“God,” she whispered against his chest, tracing his pecs with her tongue. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”
“You should’ve come back to me.” He thrust again, and she wished they didn’t have clothes between them.
“I couldn’t,” she panted, teasing his nipple with her teeth.
He grabbed her chin between his thumb and forefinger and pulled her head up. “You don’t say anything I understand, so stop talking before you piss me off again.” To make sure she did, he lifted his head and kissed her, sucking her bottom lip, then her top before closing his mouth over hers and claiming her with his tongue.
His slow, rhythmic thrusts urged her to rock against him. She couldn’t help herself, or the tickling, burn of desire that had to be sated between her legs. She was so wet, she could feel the dampness as she slid against him.
Their kiss broke, and she rested her forehead against his as they panted and she rode him. He ran his hands up the back of her thighs not stopping when his fingers traveled under the legs of her shorts and reached the edge of her panties.
Maddie was dying for his touch. She whimpered when his fingers stopped their progression. MJ groaned and ran his fingertips over the thin material. “F*ck, you’re dripping wet.”
She gazed into his eyes, silently begging. He pressed his lips together, and she saw him battling with himself. Then his mouth took hers as he pulled back the scrap of material between her legs and his fingers plunged inside her.
She bucked her hips and moaned against his mouth. He could always make her come so easily. She was so close. She felt his other hand wiggle under her panties and his finger ran between her buttocks. He teased her opening while the fingers inside her circled and stroked.
He’d never done this to her before. Nobody had ever touched her like this. She melted against his chest, arching her back, giving him access to take more, give more. “God, MJ, that feels so good,” she said.
She closed her eyes and let him take her under. She was all feeling and sensation. There was nothing to her but the places he stroked and teased.
A knot tightened in her belly and grew until she was crazed with the need for release. She held on to MJ’s shoulders, almost afraid, knowing when it hit, she’d shatter.
His thumb found her *, circled once and she was gone. Blackness spiraled behind her eyes, her blood rushed like thunder in her ears, her body spasmed and quaked.
MJ slowed his fingers as she came down from her orgasm. She realized she’d been biting his shoulder and kissed him where she’d left teeth marks before collapsing back down on his chest.
He rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head.
A calm came over her that she hadn’t felt for over a year since she’d been away from him. Her soul was at ease. It latched onto his and quieted. Without MJ there was a constant clawing and gnawing inside her to find something to fill what was missing. Whatever she did, however she tried to fill the void, it wasn’t enough.
MJ silenced the part of her that was always aching for more. It was a blinding truth that she couldn’t deny. A blinding truth she’d have to live without.
He tucked her hair behind her ear. “Do you love him?” he asked.
She closed her eyes against the assault his words released on her heart. She’d told him she wasn’t marrying Talan. Why was he asking her this? “MJ, I—”
“More than me?” he said, tilting his head to try and see her face.
She tucked her chin to her chest, unwilling to look him in the eye.
“I know you must love him,” he continued. “You wouldn’t even consider marrying him if you didn’t.”
Maddie had aimed to ease his pain, and all she’d done was open the floodgates. She pushed up and held herself above him. “Don’t.” She kissed him. “Don’t.”
Determined to finish what she started, she eased down his body, kissing and caressing his chest, resting her hand on his key tattoo that marked him forever as hers. She trailed her lips down across his abs, pausing at the defined V that led down into his shorts. She knew he liked it when she glided her tongue along the ridges.
MJ sucked in air through his teeth in a hiss and wove his fingers through her hair. Maddie unfastened his button and zipper and freed his hard length from his boxers. She kissed the tip before wetting it with her tongue.
Squeezing his thighs, she took him deep in her mouth, silently begging for his forgiveness. Not only for the past, but for the future when she wouldn’t ever be his again.
She asked herself for forgiveness as she bobbed her head up and down his shaft. She hurt herself as much as him. More. She sacrificed her entire life to make sure his heart was protected from the awful secret his grandfather kept.
It wasn’t fair to either of them.
He was the one she’d planned to marry. He was the one she’d planned to have babies with. He was the one… always the one.
Her desperation to please him had him thrusting into her mouth. He couldn’t help himself, and she loved when she made him lose control. She felt his muscles clench and tremor and knew he was close.
“Jesus, Mads,” he groaned, and spilled himself into her mouth.
She licked her lips and crawled back up his body to lie in the crook of his arm. “Spend the night with me here. Just hold me and don’t let go until morning.”
MJ lifted her chin and kissed her. “I won’t let you go for the rest of your life if that’s what you decide. All you have to do is ask.”