She heard his breathing, closing her eyes to focus on that one small part of him she could have even with the distance between them. It was silly and illogical, but just hearing his even breaths made her feel at peace. Sara could imagine them lying side by side, sleeping in the same bed, their limbs intertwined; she falling asleep to the sound of his steady breaths.
“I’m glad you called, I’m always glad when you call, but I have to ask you something.” When he didn’t respond, and she’d known he wouldn’t, Sara sighed. “How did you stand it? All those one-sided phone conversations? I guess I deserve your silence. Apparently you’re better at this than I am, because really, I just want to reach through the phone and force your lips to open and words to come out of your mouth. Although, on the one hand, maybe it’s best that you aren’t speaking to me. I can’t imagine you have anything particularly nice to say. Not that I blame you. I was kind of a mess before I left. I mean, I’m still a mess, but a slightly less psychotic one.” She rubbed her face, suddenly tired, imagining him inwardly snorting at that.
“I painted him a few weeks ago. I painted Cole and I thought of you. I close my eyes and I see yours. I came here to find myself, but I’m finding you instead, Lincoln. How does that work?” Sara chewed the inside of her lower lip. She just wanted him to say something, anything. But maybe it was better he didn’t. It had to be about Sara; she had to be the one to make the first move, the one to reach out, the one to talk; it was her time.
“I miss you. I miss you so much,” she said raggedly, blinking her eyes against tears. She heard the sharp inhalation of air on the other end of the phone, knew he ached for her as she did for him. “You know, I never really thought about your eyes that much before. I never realized how they followed me through a room, how they were always on me, how whenever I looked at you, you were already looking at me. Was it always like that? Of course it was.
“I was so blind about so many things. I suppose I needed to be then. I shouldn’t have been noticing you when I had Cole. So I’m glad I didn’t. But now, now I remember so many things, only in a different way. I remember how your eyes lightened to a paler shade of gray when you looked at me, like your whole being amplified when you saw me. I remember how you stood up for me, no matter what, even when there was nothing to stand up for me about. I remember your protectiveness; I remember how your smile had a certain tenderness for me alone. I remember you, Lincoln, the real you, finally. Take care, Lincoln.” She said softly and ended the call, heavy with yearning.
Sara wanted so badly to return to him, to be with Lincoln, but something held her back, something kept her in Waupun when everything she wanted was in Boscobel. She knew what the problem was, or what part of the problem was, at least. Sara was scared. That was obvious. It wasn’t just about Cole and moving on without the guilt and being able to say goodbye to him without it aching so much, although that was a great part of it. What she was scared of the most was that if she was open about her feelings for Lincoln, what was to stop him from being taken away from her? Her mother, father, Cole, and their unborn child; they’d all been taken from her. Maybe it was irrational, but it made all the logic in the world to Sara. The fear was part of her, looming over her every second of the day and even at night. She loved someone: they died. Was Sara being punished for something she didn’t know about? She couldn’t think like that, she knew, but still she did, even if it was fleeting and sporadically.
If You can hear me, if You’re really here…I just want to know why. Why did they have to die? Sara’s throat closed with emotion. And what’s to stop it from happening to Lincoln? He can be taken away too.
“Stop thinking like that. It’s not about that.”
“Then what is it about?” she whispered, eyes closed, elbows on the table and hands on her face.
“Just hold on, Sara. Hold on to what you have and forget about all the rest. And…have a little faith.”
She dropped her hands from her face, staring at the shadowed room with bleary eyes. Thunder rumbled outside; lightning cracked, and the sky cried a flood of tears of joy or pain; she didn’t know. Give me strength, please. Give me strength to live, to love again. Who was she asking? A shiver went down her spine as lightning struck her eyes; momentarily blinding her with white light, the only answer to her unspoken question.
***
The knock came at exactly eight in the morning. Sara finished braiding her hair and snapped a rubber band around it as she walked to the door. Sunlight and Dana greeted her. Sara was blinded more from the sight of Dana than the fiery light in the sky.