Noting a public bench farther down the street, Sara walked to it. “I go for walks every day. Something I used to do and got out of the habit of doing. It’s so quiet here. I mean, there is noise, of course, but it’s like everything inside me is quieter. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m calmer, I guess. Not so sad. I can think clearer and I see things in a different way than I used to. It’s good for me. But I miss you like crazy.”
She sat down on the bench, the metal branding the backs of her legs, but not uncomfortably. “It’s strange to think of us. You, me, Cole, and how we’re all connected.” Sara watched a blond-haired woman walk by pushing a stroller and swallowed, turning away. “You remember when I lost the baby? I was inconsolable. Cole and I were barely speaking. We were both hurting so bad and didn’t know how to comfort each other. You told Cole you were going to kick his ass if he showed up to work one more day in a piss-ass mood. It was the first time he smiled in days.”
Sara tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, eyes on the vehicles ambling up and down the road. A set of modest houses ran along the length of the street across from her. “You made us sit at a table and talk. You started by mentioning the weather. Then we had to say what our favorite colors were. Then you said something about how bad I was at sports and Cole agreed. Totally ridiculous stuff, but the point was; we were talking. You brought up funny memories and told some bad jokes. Before long, Cole and I were laughing and looking at each other as we talked. You saved us. You’re always saving people, Lincoln. But what about you?” She took a deep breath.
“You’ve always been there for me and Cole. You were there, even then, shoving us back to life. You’ve always done that, Lincoln, but at what cost to you? It had to have been hard, loving Cole and loving me, and wanting us to be happy, even though it meant you couldn’t be. You sacrificed your happiness, again and again, for mine, for your brother’s. You are truly an exceptional person,” Sara said tightly, her throat thick. “Take care, Lincoln.”
***
Freshly showered, Sara tugged on a pair of lightweight pink shorts and a yellow tank top, the emptiness of the motel room somehow soothing. She’d done some minor shopping at the local grocery store earlier in the day and had the preparations for a salad. Salad made, she sat at the small table by the windowed doors, staring out at rolling skies of gray clouds the color of Lincoln’s eyes. A storm was coming. She wondered if it was storming where Lincoln was.
It was strange how a difference in atmosphere had the power to alter her view on things, but that was life; full of ironies and impossibilities that happened. Like the wreck that had ultimately taken her husband; like the feelings she and Lincoln had for one another. Never, ever would Sara have thought she would love him the way she did, or that he’d loved her for so long without telling anyone. The burden that must have been, carrying that around for so long. Sara couldn’t imagine what that must have felt like. Like you feel now, only twenty times worse. Sara feared she might burst from holding all her feelings inside. She wanted to shout to the world how much she loved Lincoln.
She took a sip of water, almost upturning the glass when her cell phone rang. The number was Lincoln’s. Her nerves played havoc with her as she grabbed the phone. He continued to call every day. Lincoln called every day, but never said a single word. It was a mixture of respite and torture to partake of these silent conversations with him.
“Hello, Lincoln,” she said, her voice rough. Sara cleared her throat, pushing the salad away. He didn’t say anything, but that was what she’d expected. “It’s storming here. I love thunderstorms. Cole did too. You already knew that. We would sit on our porch outside and watch the rain fall down, blanketing the earth in water, listening to the sound of it, listening to the thunder rumble. It was relaxing. Even the lightning cracking the sky was comforting. It made me realize how insignificant and small I was compared to the world. It made me feel sheltered, like I was in my own shell of safety. Then Cole would look at me and I’d realize how wrong I was about the first and how right I was about the second. I’d like…” Trailing off, Sara swallowed and continued, “I’d like to do that with you sometime…watch a storm, I mean…if you want.”