“You probably know this already,” I said gently. “But you have something really incredible here. You have a family that loves you. They’re always there for you, they didn’t give up on you, and they never will, no matter what. That’s like winning the lottery, isn’t it? I’d give anything to have what you have.”
He stared at me for the longest time, as if he was taking my words, one by one, and twisting and turning them until they made sense. Then he nodded, slowly sitting back in his chair.
“You’re a lot like her,” he said, his eyes locked onto mine.
I wanted to look away, but he held me fast. I knew what he meant, he didn’t need to say her name.
“I know,” I said. “I’ve seen the photos.”
“No, I don’t mean like that. I mean you’re a lot like her. The things you say… sometimes you sound just like her.”
Did I?
Don’t jump to conclusions. You don’t know.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s a compliment.”
I opened my mouth to reply, but something distracted me. A light, coming from down the hall. It was out of place, brighter than the fluorescent bulbs above us, and bluer. And more, well, natural.
“What?” he asked, following my gaze.
The longer I stared at the light, the more it seemed to grow. Alex and I stood up at the same time, drawn towards it.
“What the hell is that?” he mumbled, as we found ourselves standing in front of a door.
The light pulsated, waxing and waning as if searching for a release. Its pulsing matched the nervous fluttering of my heart. This light was meant for me. I reached for the door and pushed it open, and the glow engulfed us both.
The room shrank in on itself, and then exploded, shattering into a shower of stars above me. It was as if the moon and the stars and the ocean had somehow combined, a symphony of nature calling me home. It cocooned me, flooding me with an overwhelming sense of peace. My body shivered, a delicious feeling of contentment, as time expanded and contracted. My arms outstretched, space slipped through my fingers like grains of sand. The room tilted as the invisible chains of gravity fell away and the floor disappeared, sending me floating skyward.
I closed my eyes and love flowed through me – boundless, ageless, infinite – and all my worries and fears floated away like a feather on a summer breeze. I was complete, my heart filled with joy. Memories rushed back, filling the void inside my head, my heart, my soul. I felt them darting around, searching for their rightful places, the returning residents of a cerebral city. Millions of moments, needle-sharp, tickled my brain.
Everything became clear. I saw it all. I remembered everything.
I knew who I was and where I belonged. I saw my family, my childhood. I remembered kisses and laughter, tears and loss. I saw long days at the beach, learning to surf. Wandering home from school with Jas, sharing a Coke. Seeing my Dad leave the house for the last time. Mum telling stories of dragons and fairies while she brushed my hair. Alex teaching me to ride a bike. Heath walking towards me in the hallway at school. I saw the bonfire on the beach, where I first asked him out. I saw myself giving him my heart, my soul, and a million other memories, small ones and big ones, ones that made me want to laugh out loud, and ones that made my soul ache.
And I saw Joel’s housewarming party.
Fighting with Heath. Alex not answering his phone. Deciding to walk home. Headlights behind me, two guys my age that I didn’t know. Refusing the lift they offered. Trying to run, but not getting far before the car nudged me off the road as if I weighed nothing. Falling into the ditch, a blinding pain in my head, momentarily eclipsing the panic. A face hovering above me. The smell of the car – a mixture of stale sweat, booze and something else I couldn’t put my finger on. Dragging me out of the car and throwing me down the hill. The hard ground, littered with tree roots. Unbearable pain and fear. I’d called out to Heath in my mind, screaming for help even though I knew no sound had left my mouth.
Then, all-engulfing blackness.
I remembered waking up somewhere strange, with the pain gone. I saw a scared girl who looked like me but couldn’t remember her name. And I saw myself here, with Heath.
Heath.
It all became so clear. Hindsight and foresight blended, giving me the picture I’d longed for all that time. It was so obvious. Why couldn’t I see it for what it really was? What was stopping me?
It wasn’t a hospital, it was a waiting room. I was supposed to rest there until I was stronger, until my memory came back, until someone came for me. Then I was supposed to move on.
But I could hear him calling me. It was as if he were on the other end of the phone, but the reception was bad, the wires never really connected. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but I knew he needed me. I didn’t even know who he was, I just knew I had to find him.