She looked wistful, pulling Alex closer and leaning her head on his shoulder. He let her, to his credit, which was a big concession for him. The past few days had definitely made an impact on him.
“I remember thinking, with both my babies, that I would miss being pregnant. I would miss that connection, feeling their little body inside of mine. It was me and my baby against the world, and once they were born, I worried about losing that. But when the baby’s born, you’re so busy loving them and caring for them and getting to know them as the wonderful little human beings they are, you don’t get a chance to miss them. You just get used to sharing them.”
Maia squeezed my hand, and I looked over at her. She had tears in her eyes. I knew what she was thinking.
What if I’m her baby?
With each new day, it became more obvious that the pain of not knowing where she fit in the world was bearing down on her. Being surrounded by birth and death and love and loss was only reminding her of what she might be missing out on.
“She’s going to be fine,” Bridget said quietly.
It took me a moment to realise she was talking about Jas. “Yeah. Of course she is.”
I wondered how Vinnie was holding up.
MAIA WAS ASLEEP, SPRAWLED across the three chairs to my right. Her hair was pooled behind her, one hand tucked under her chin. She looked beautiful, even in this light. I stood across the room, leaning against the wall, on my third cup of coffee. It had been five hours and still no sign of the new arrival. Jas must be exhausted.
The screamer down the hall had finally given birth an hour ago, and they’d moved her and baby to another room. One other woman had been admitted, but there wasn’t much action from her yet.
Vinnie had come out a couple of times for a break, and Bridget had gone in to be with Jas. He was tired and scared. He said Jas wasn’t acting like herself. He said she was in a lot of pain, demanding an epidural, even though that wasn’t in her birth plan. When he reminded her of that, she swore at him. Like a sailor. I’d never even heard Jas swear before, but Vinnie said she came out with a few words that had even made him cringe.
The woman up the hall had nothing on Jas. She’d been screaming like a banshee for half an hour. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take of this. I sure as hell didn’t know how Maia could sleep through it all, but I was jealous that she could. I was on tenterhooks.
Alex had taken a walk down to the cafeteria to see if he could find us some food, so I sat down beside Bridget. She put her arm around me and leaned her head on my shoulder.
“I think the waiting is the hardest part,” she said quietly, so as not to disturb Maia.
Jas let out another yell from down the hall.
“Or maybe the second hardest part.”
I took another sip of my coffee. I was about maxed out on the stuff. Any more and the ratio of caffeine to blood in my system would be nearing critical mass. I had to make this one last.
“Em was such a beautiful baby.”
I glanced down at her. I’d been wondering if this was bringing back memories for her.
“All soft blonde curls and big eyes,” she smiled. “But my favourite part of her was the little spot on the back of her neck. It was so soft and she smelled so good. I couldn’t stop kissing it.”
I reached down and set the coffee cup on the floor beside my chair and turned to her, pulling her into my arms. She settled her head into my neck and we sat there like that for a good few minutes in silence. I could feel the pain, seeping through her, into me. I had no idea what it was like to lose a child, but I imagine it’s like losing a part of yourself. I desperately wanted to ease that pain, tell her that it was possible – only possible – that Maia could in fact be Emily. I wanted to see the hope in her eyes again, because I hadn’t seen it there for so long.
But I didn’t want to cause her any more heartache. It was also possible that Maia was not Emily.
I drew away from her, and she wiped her eyes. I had no idea she’d been crying, but it didn’t surprise me.
“You okay?” I murmured. “Can I do anything?”
She shook her head, smiling through the tears. “Just memories. You know how it is.”
Yeah, I knew. I gave her another brief hug, then she settled in the chair beside me again, and we both stared at Maia, still sleeping on the chairs opposite us.
“She looks peaceful,” Bridget said, echoing my thoughts.
“She does. She hasn’t been sleeping well lately. I guess it just all caught up with her.”
I reached down and picked up my coffee again, cradling the cup in my lap.
“You two are perfect for each other.”