Fuck me. Seeing those tears in her eyes made me want to drop down and give her anything and everything she wanted whether I wanted to or not. That pissed me off, but not at her, just at myself. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before opening them again.
“Fine,” I grumbled, feeling like shit because I really didn’t mean to upset her. I pushed myself up from the ground using the walking stick and stepped out of the shelter. She had to sleep sometime – I could always work on shit then. I took a few steps out into the sand before sitting down next to the fire. I tossed a few little bits of sticks and debris into the coals and watched them flame up but bored of that quickly.
I wanted a fucking drink.
I looked out over the beach and noticed a dark spot close to the tide’s edge. It was the charcoal remains of the bonfire I had made before the fever hit. I could tell there weren’t any human remains lying around out there and wondered what happened to them.
“What did you do with them?” I asked, just loud enough for her to hear me.
“With what?”
“The…um…bones and shit.”
“I buried them,” she answered simply.
My head snapped back to look at her.
“You did? Where?”
“On the north side of the beach,” she said. “Up near the edge of the jungle. I didn’t really want them very close. I used the oar to dig a hole – just like we did for the solar still. I didn’t dig it deep enough to…um…bury them all, and they…they didn’t all fit in one…um…grave…so I dug two.”
“Shit, baby – I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“You shouldn’t have had to do that.” I murder four bastards and she has to clean up after me. Fucking lovely.
“I didn’t want them…just sitting there. You weren’t in very good shape at the time to help out.”
“I know – that’s what I meant.”
“Stop it.”
“Stop what?”
“Stop beating yourself up for something you couldn’t control.” Raine tilted her head and raised her eyebrows, daring me to argue with her.
“I could have controlled it,” I said, rising to the challenge. “I shouldn’t have let that motherfucker cut me.”
“Bastian, there were four of them.”
“It doesn’t fucking matter how many there were!” I yelled. I didn’t really mean to be yelling at her, but she jumped back anyway. Images from my dreams flittered past my conscious mind. I slammed my fist against the sand and wished to God I had a fucking bottle of fucking anything. “I should have moved faster. I should have killed him with the first fucking punch. I should have ripped his goddamn throat out for fucking touching you, and I should have fucking been there when they showed up so none of that shit would have happened at all!”
She was beside me before I was done screaming, and at first I considered pushing her away. I wanted to because I didn’t deserve to have her next to me in the first place. I’d let her down. She could have been killed or had something far, far worse happen. I fucking let her down. I wasn’t there for her. The last thing she should offer me was any comfort. I wasn’t there when she needed me.
But there she was, kneeling in the sand next to me and wrapping her arms around my head, holding me against her chest while she stroked the side of my face with her fingertips. I squeezed my eyes shut and wrapped my arms around her. I buried my face in the spot between her neck and her shoulder.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” I mumbled. “I should have been there. They never should have touched you. I’ll never, never let anyone hurt you again, Raine. I swear to God. Never!”
“Shh, Bastian.” Raine’s hand stroked over my hair, around my ear, and down my rough jaw. “It’s all right. I’m all right, and you will be, too. You saved me, Bastian. You saved me from them.”
“They…they…” I swallowed hard, trying to figure out why words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. My hands were shaking, so I held her tighter, trying to stop the rush of adrenaline running through my system, but it didn’t help. My heart rate increased, and I was close to hyperventilating. Through pants, I pushed out some words, but I probably didn’t make any fucking sense. “They never…they shouldn’t have come so close to you…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I should have been there faster. I never…should have left you…those fucking bastards fucking touching you…”
“Bastian, please, calm down,” her voice whispered into my ear. “I’m okay. You saved me. They didn’t hurt me, Bastian. You were there in time.”
“But it was so close…I keep seeing them…in my dreams…and they’re…they’re…hurting you, and I can’t get to you.”
“Oh, Bastian…” I felt both her arms wrap around my head as she started to rock slightly back and forth, telling me over and over again that it was only a dream. She was safe. I had saved her. They hadn’t touched her like that.